Scared Bunny

Fridays suck.

I know you all read that and said, “What the fuck!” but they really do suck.

The thing is work on Friday goes on forever. It seems like everything is moving in slow motion. I feel like it’s been a full workday and its only 2PM. I just got up to stretch my legs and they felt like I had been sitting for hours, even though it had been maybe an hour.

And people are different on Friday. Nobody wants to get anything done, so if you need someone to do something forget about it. Everyone here was fucking rowdy as hell this morning. I got reprimanded and complained about for a fraction of what was going on. Granted they don’t have to deal with “Use your inside voice” lady, but still…

And I’m still pissed about that. I’m not your fucking toddler lady. I do not have an “inside” voice. You can ask me to speak more quietly, but I just have the one voice which I use in a variety of volumes depending on the situation. Sometimes it will actually be a little loud. At the time it was slightly above normal. Maybe she was nursing a hangover or something, but the rest of us weren’t exactly impressed.

I don’t think it’s a coincidence that “It Was a Good Day” comes in at exactly four minutes, twenty seconds.

Getting anything done on a Friday is impossible. And if the weather is good, you are royally screwed. Then everyone who has any time off saved up will be out, and people with no accountability will follow them. Here all the managers are gone so the whole floor is like an empty maze of cubicles waiting for a giant hamster to come through. Giant hamsters would be fucking scary. I used to have hamsters. They bite hard and they can be mean little fuckers. One bit my brother’s finger and held on as my brother tried to get his finger out of the cage. He took a serious beating before he finally let go. Gerbils are nicer.

Someone gave me fake flowers at work with a card saying :

CONGRATULATIONS

You are the new recipient of the award recognizing you are the

VERY BEST

______________________________________
Insert accomplishment here

AGAIN

CONGRATULATIONS

Nobody knows or will admit to giving it to me, and nobody seems to know why I got it. I almost feel like I’m supposed to pass it on to someone else without them knowing who sent it. Maybe it was part of making me feel part of the team. It could also be part of making me feel insane and paranoid. That makes a lot of sense too. Just because I’m paranoid does not mean they are not out to get me.

Well, I am out of random topics for the day, so this is all you get. No sex. Get over it.

Labels: 4:20, awards, confusion, Friday, Ice Cube, life, work

I have a job where I am allowed to work at home whenever I want. So, what did they do when they said I behaved erratically? They had me work at home.

Now, a temporary solution is to have me do something I could have been doing all the time anyway. I am having trouble seeing why having me do this is such a big deal since I could have just been converted to a home office.

I have come to the conclusion that corporate America is run by people on various narcotics.

And they say I'm the one with the problem.

Labels: business, medication, work

All of this started literally because I was too tired to stay at my desk. I couldn't just sit there because I would fall asleep. I'd say that's a medical problem. So I got up and did the only thing I could do, which was talk to people. It seems people find the idea of sitting on Twizzlers to warm them up odd (trust me, they're better warm) and others thing that the fact that Twinkies burn in a microwave is dangerous.

it's not like I was sitting on peoples' food or burning Twinkies.

People are just too fucking boring for thier own good.

Labels: life, Twinkies, Twizzlers, work

They have sent me some forms for my doctor. I guess they want to know if I can work. The poor lady has met me once and now she has to deal with all this. I know I can work, I just need meds that control my anxiety and don't make me groggy. They have to exist.

Maybe I can just telecommute. I have always had permission to work from home, so why not formalize it? Throw in a fax machine, phone line, Hi-Speed internet and some other stuff and all the sudden I have ahome office. Makes sense to me, but what do I know.

I am scared, but I'm not. Part of me realizes this is really just another episode that would make my life a good book.

I wonder who'd play me in the movie.

Labels: anxiety, insanity, life, medication, work

I have to say life is interesting.

This time last year I was totally single and not even dating. I was on a self-imposed break from anything remotely resembling a relationship. I was not as much healing from the last relationship as I was trying to heal enough to be worth a good woman. I had been through a relationship I considered, and still consider, the strangest I have ever been in. I realized I was not in a good place for a relationship, and that something inside me had to change.

I was working at home and had virtually no face-to-face contact with anyone that wasn’t either paid to talk to me or happened to live near me. I sometimes would get a call and it had been so long since I had spoken that I almost couldn’t make a sound. I had friends, but only one of them was real. I was avoiding dealing with a lot of people from my distant and recent past because I didn’t see any reason to be involved with people who were either unhealthy or pushed my psyche to be unhealthy.

I had a job that barely provided for me, and dealt with sometimes not being paid at all. I had an employer that had promised me the world and delivered nothing. My boss had quit to get away with the bullshit, as had everyone else that did what I did. I was learning that contracts are made to be broken, and some people simply can’t manage. And I was dealing with the possibility I would have to stay in the job because of mistakes from my past.

Now I am dealing with the possibility of a divorce. I am married to a woman I love dearly, but I am learning that just taking time off to heal doesn’t mean you do heal. I have discovered that I have a disorder I never realized I had, and that being isolated masked the symptoms. I have seen that I never handled many of the problems from my past, and have learned what caused so many of them were something beyond my control. I have been taught that it’s possible I am not the piece of shit I have always believed I was.

I have a job where not only have they delivered what they promised; I am seeing the possibility of making more money than I ever dreamed possible. I am learning that success can be as scary as failure. I have a position where not only do I deal with co-workers every day; I speak with dozens of complete strangers daily. I am finding that I enjoy working and thrive on achievement. I have a boss who appreciates hard work as long as your efforts lead to production. We are measured based not on whether or not the boss likes us, but on how we perform. I am in a position where instead of being broke, I might have more than I know what to do with.

With all of these changes I am sometimes finding that I am confused. While I always had low self-esteem, I was able to appear confident. Now there are times I just can’t fake it. I have to do my best to hide it because the world hates a loser, and nobody will trust a man who doesn’t trust himself. I always assumed that if I found a woman that truly loved me and that I truly loved that it would automatically work. I am realizing that the person we are can dictate our present. I am learning that the past has power if we let it, and I have been giving the past control of my present.

In short, I am in a learning mode. I have to learn how to be in a learning mode while remaining strong as a father and employee. I am also realizing that I am not as strong as I want to be, and I can only take on so much. I am also learning that I can control my thoughts; I just don’t do it very well just yet. I am learning that I really do have to work for therapy to work, and that what I thought was work was just spinning my wheels. I am also learning how my childhood impacted me and why. And eventually I will learn how to retrain my mind.

I am emotionally drained and mentally exhausted sometimes. Not only do I have to work all day, even down times are not down time. I have to constantly be on guard to keep my thoughts where they should be. There’s not a moment where I’m not working on something, and when I do stop I pay the price almost instantly and then I find myself working again. Yes I’m admitting I am exhausted. But I’d rather be exhausted and see progress than be rested and live the life I did for 36 years.

Labels: anxiety, changes, life, psychology, relationships, success, therapy, work

Here I sit at my desk. My empty desk.

As I stated, I planned on packing up today, and as soon as I finished my morning calls, that is exactly what I did. Now I have 6 packed crates, 7 packed boxes and a desk with nothing but a computer and a phone. In short, there is nothing here. But I am expected to work. I suppose I could send some emails, but that would be it. Can’t send letters because I had to pack the paper. Not any sales calls because the lists had to be packed. I can basically confer with about 4 people I am working with, and sit here at this computer.

According to policy I am supposed to sit here for another 4 hours. I don’t see that happening. There is nowhere near enough activity to keep me amused for 4 hours. Even if I leave for lunch we are talking 3 hours to kill. In school they always said I was dangerous if I got bored. Were I to actually try to stay here I think I might finally get to meet someone from Human Resources. Just not in a good way.

This is one of those days I wonder exactly what they are thinking. My team’s “move coordinator” stopped by and offered to help me pack. Obviously there was some concern that I wouldn’t have my shit together, so she offered to help. I let her pack a cabinet and round up some cases. She also put some stickers on stuff. Altogether the packing took 20 minutes.

And yet they wonder why I didn’t have it all packed days ago.

This seems to support my conclusion that the move is way overcomplicated. I have moved houses over a dozen times in my adult life. I have never had it seem as complicated as this. I am not good at moving. I am not good at packing. I am not good at unpacking. In fact, and my wife will confirm this, I am basically good at carrying heavy stuff and driving the big truck. Even with that as my frame of reference, it doesn’t seem like this should take so many people away from their real jobs, and force others to be unable to do diddly squat for over a week.

In other news, most of my extra writing has been going to Tales of Sister Grim. If you haven’t read it, check it out. I urge you to start with the first post and work from there, though, because it really can be confusing to follow otherwise.

The problem is, as things happen in real time I am so tempted to write them. No matter what happens, the people in the story seem to find a new and inventive way to shock me. The last week has several posts begging to be written, but I am still telling stories from late last year. I guess I will have to write there more often because I think they may well give me enough for a post a day.

I would write a book or a movie, but I get the feeling I’d get sued.

Labels: crazy, moving, overkill, sister grim, work

OK, so the move is going on, but I wasn’t in the office today. I decided to work from home, make my calls on the couch and all that shit. But I did check email, and guess what; the move has it’s own web site.

I would say things are pretty fucking nuts when a move has to have a web site for news and updates. I mean, seriously. We are basically putting shit in boxes and putting stickers on said boxes. Then it gets moved. When we get back to work next week all our shit will, in theory, be at what will become our new office. While I am not saying the logistics are easy for a big move, I think it is safe to say that, from my standpoint, this is a pretty simple concept.

However there must be something I am missing. The web site has all of the information they already gave us, as well as “up to the minute” updates. I am not really sure what kind of breaking news we can expect. Either we are being moved, or we are not. Beyond that, there isn’t any sort of “news” I need on the whole thing. I knew we had some people who had a vested interest in making this complicated, but I had no idea how many there are.

And the move has its first controversy. It seems there are 4 villas dedicated to our team. The 4th is for an as yet unhired salesman who will do a different kind of loan. They expect this person to be in place within a month or so, and it made sense for them to just free up the extra desk now. The person at said desk has different ideas though. He has decreed that he will be moving in August, and not now. So the two managers are set to square off. I am kind of looking forward to the battle. I guess there is something special about the villa this guy is in because one of my coworkers is upset that he can’t have it if this guy doesn’t move his shit.

And they wonder why I am not excited about being moved closer to all these people.

I am also unsure what the coffee situation is up there. I am betting there are a bunch of people who only drink coffee they got at some place like Starbucks. They just don’t seem like the type to make their own coffee, whether it is with shitty company coffee or good coffee brought from home. While this is good in the sense that it may mean I am away from the conflict, it does increase the likelihood that I will be having only the company coffee. And I’ll probably still have to make it myself.

Frankly, making me make that shit for myself is just cruel. It’s not like I don’t know that it’s crappy coffee. I know good coffee. At home I have good coffee. When I go out I try to get good coffee. So making me actually make that swill myself just seems mean. I swear I have even gone without some days lately because I just couldn’t do it to myself. I also feel a little guilty knowing others will also drink this crap, and that I made it for them.

Anyway, tomorrow I have to get up, go to work, actually do some real work and then pack. As soon as that’s done I am out of there for the weekend. And when I get back, I get to see the aftermath.

Heaven help us.

Labels: management, moving, overkill, power, work