Scared Bunny

OK, I have to preface this one again. This is not targeted at anything anyone has said, or anything that has happened. In fact, this wasn’t “caused” by anyone or anything other than my mind.

As you know if you read this, I have an issue with hearing about sex from someone I am involved with. While other people have no problem with it, it does bug me. And I know it’s hard for the people around me. I also know that anyone who reads my blog gets a lot of stories about my past, so they feel like I am being a hypocrite. But I have to say one thing in defense of that. I have never, and will never, write a post like that when I am involved with someone. To me it just seems disrespectful. I have even considered deleting the posts that are out there but haven’t because it would feel like I was trying to hide my past, even though I admit I am ashamed of most of it.

But the reason it bugs me I have always pegged on insecurity. To a certain degree that is true. It does feel like if someone I am with is talking about sex with someone else they must be thinking about it. And in my mind that means they want that person more than me. I am not saying that’s a fair assessment, but it is how my mind works for now, and until I get through an awful lot of therapy.

But it occurred to me there is another big reason it bugs me, and I feel like a chick for thinking like this. It bugs me because it makes it feel like the sex we have in our relationship is not special. If sex is just another thing you do, and just something you talk in detail about with everyone, then it’s not special. It makes it feel like it’s no different than shopping or washing the car. It’s just another topic of discussion. And with my insecurity I need it to be important. If the sex isn’t important, then I’m not important.

I took one of those quick and dirty personality type tests yesterday, and it hit the nail on the head when it comes to relationships. I am basically a needy bastard who has to be protected and has to be made to feel special and important. If I don’t feel that I am going to freak out. It also said that sex for a person like me is not about the sex. In fact, it’s not so much a physical act as an emotional act. In a relationship it will be a main way that we express love. So if you cheapen the act in any way, or make it seem unimportant, then it makes it very hard to feel loved.

And outside of a relationship it has been a way I was able to feel special when I really didn’t feel that special normally. When I look back at my whole romantic life I can see how that has been true. I can also see how it makes being with me very difficult. If I need someone who is very open to sharing their feelings (which I do so they can feed my need to feel loved) they are likely going to be open in other ways as well. That means hearing things that will then, in my twisted mind, cheapen that love.

I can look at what I have been through in relationships and see that the type of person I need in one area contradicts what I need in another. As a result nobody can keep me happy while still being true to themselves.

There’s a lot more I really realized about myself when I read the test results, but one really stuck out: “Will stay in the wrong relationship for a long time rather than face the conflict of ending it”. Well, damn, if that’s not me to a T (remember Heather) then I don’t know what is.

Labels: dating, insecurity, life, personality+tests, relationships, sex