Scared Bunny

People read what I write about putting the past behind me and they think that means I’m doing OK. I have to be honest. It doesn’t mean that. I have to move beyond the past because if you dwell on it you will relive it again and again. I do believe that what we focus on we attract to ourselves. Whether you believe in Jesus with "As ye sew so shall ye reap", or you believe in the concept of karma where your past lives dictate your future lives. Everything I have seen tells me that the past affects the future, and I see that I kept putting myself in these bad positions out of loneliness or desperation.

Anyone that knows me, or reads this blog and it’s penchant for anal sex stories, knows that I am far from a holy roller. But I was reminded of the story of Joseph. His brothers threw him in a well, sold him as a slave and probably kicked him in the nuts. But years later when they came face to face with him he was able to save them from starvation because he didn’t let his past dictate his future. He mind of seemed like an arrogant little snot as a youngster, but what he was doing was focusing on a positive future, and that is what he got.

When I think back about the bad relationships I have had, I recognize one thing. All of those people were in their own way locked in their past. They relived their pain day after day because they couldn’t let go. And for 37 years I did the same thing. In fact, the last 5 years I believe sincerely are karma for a big chunk of my life where I mistreated someone. And if karma works minute for minute I have five more years to go.

That’s a pretty fucking scary thought. On one hand I survived 5 years, and even had some fun during that time. I did lots of things that should have killed me and made it through alive. I even dated Heather, which is a challenge nobody should undertake. On the other the pain really has built over time and while I may be smarter now, don’t confuse that with the notion I am better than I was back then. I have to trust that I can steer my life and my thoughts away from the mess I’ve made. I want my son to see me as a strong man who lives a fulfilled life, and not a man full of depression and anxiety.

So to the person who commented and deleted it yesterday, I’m not really OK. I’m a long way from OK. I just think I know where OK is and how to get there. I also know that I’m human and I’m going to get hurt many times during the trip, but that’s OK too. Chicks dig scars.