Scared Bunny

The strangest things get to me.

There are some commercials out from Ikea that show a couple at bedtime. Oddly, it's not the idea of a couple that hits me. It's not even the fact the couple is in bed together. While those are both things I miss, I make it through those things ok. They get to me obviously, just like any reminder of a loss would. But I have been through enough that I can handle that pain without much of a problem.

The part that gets to me, in both ads, is what the wife does when she is in bed. In the first she climbs in to bed with her husband already asleep, and pulls his arm over her to go to sleep. In the other they are both asleep and she does the same thing. That little gesture really gets to me.

I miss holding someone. I lie alone in my bed, with my arms around a pillow, but it just isn't the same. I miss rolling over and having someone there. I miss having someone in my arms. Even more, I miss being held.

There is a sense of security I get from being held that I have never gotten any other way. When someone is holding you you can tell whether or not they love you. You feel as if they will always be with you. You never want that feeling to end.

Every time I see those commercials I feel a sense of loss.

Labels: commercials, life, relationships, sadness

I guess if you paid any attention to this blog you noticed that I like to write. Sometimes it's all that keeps me sane. Sometimes it is the only outlet I have. And sometimes the blog is like the only person I have to talk to.

And like most people who like to write think they have a novel in them. I have been kicking around ideas for years. Nobody seems to get my main idea besides me, which is OK. I don't mind that. I just want to get it out of my system.

But people who know me tell me that that novel is not what I should write. What they want to read is my life story. Hell, read early comments to the blog. People though the original stories were just a novel being tried out. People especially want the story from my first divorce forward. They probably want the whole shooting match, but I am not going to write about my marriage. I feel like that would be wrong.

And, as I have said, I won't write about my second marriage either.

That leaves a lot of very interesting stories, but no ending. There is no happy ending, and there is no tragic ending. All I have are the stories. Some people like the stories. Some people find them offensive. Some people think I am talking about them. And some of those people are right. But that just doesn't sound like a book to me. Then again, "The Secret" was a bestseller and basically all it says is to have a positive attitude and focus on your goals. It's a short book but, shit, I could say that in a greeting card.

So I have considered writing something that just doesn't include my marriages. The problem is that it would leave such a hole. When you read the stories I used to always write you have no sense for why I did what I did and how I got that way. I could fix that but it would mean including my childhood (making me look like a victim) and my first marriage (where I was an asshole and I am not willing to exploit that relationship). And I just know that whatever comes next for me, leaving out my second marriage would leave the story so obviously incomplete that any reader would wonder what happened.

The thing is, I am beginning to think I need to write and write it all. The whole mess. I feel like it has to all be compiled in one place to get it out and get over it. I am haunted by my past and I don't think anyone understands because nobody knows the whole thing. Even in therapy you can't tell the whole story. It is too long and complicated. 40 minutes at a time, including the bullshit from the therapist, would make it take years. And I realize now that I don't have years. To have this all bottled up is asking for trouble. While I am strangely calm right now, I know that is not a permanent condition for me. It is simply a pause in a storm. If I truly want to stop living from emotional storm to emotional storm, I need get the eye of the storm out of my soul.

So I am faced with a great decision and a monumental task. And I have to get this right because I know my soul is on the line.

Labels: book, emotions, insanity, life, relationships, writing

Why is it that people feel the need to build up the self-esteem of every guy that goes through a divorce? I am not happy that I got a divorce, but I also know I was headed for a serious meltdown if I hadn't gotten one. Hell, maybe I am still headed for one. I don't know. But trying to convince me that every waitress at dinner is flirting with me is a stretch. Especially when they are paid to look like younger, hotter Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders. They get paid to flirt. That's what those skimpy outfits are for. If flirting weren't part of the game they'd dress them in sweats.

And not every girl that does flirt with you is going to raise your self-esteem. Right now I am no prize, but there are still some women I am superficial enough to know it's not really a compliment when they think you will go out with them. Just like some women would laugh at me if I asked them out, I cringe when some women are trying to get my attention.

Maybe I am throwing out some sign that I am just available, which is weird just to see on the screen. I don't feel available. I also don't feel unavailable. What I feel is like I am in a holding pattern waiting to see what can happen and what is supposed to happen. Part of me feels like a hook-up would be a mid-air collision, and not too many people survive those.

I'm not dead. I still have feelings and urges. But what I don't feel like I have is the courage to follow up on those feelings. My strength isn't back for anything meaningful. And it's hard for me anymore to do things that have no meaning. Plus I am 8 months from the split still comparing every woman to my ex. I can't get involved to any degree and be doing that. It's just not right or fair.

I had a stretch between marriages, and before Heather, where I just didn't give a fuck. I had some good times. I had some bad times. I had some weird times. But they were times and none of them did anything like what my last 3 relationships have done. At no point during those relationships was I scared. And, truly, at no point since the start with Heather have I felt safe.

Is it all just unresolved from Heather? Is it separate issues from all 3? Is it something that traces back before Heather that she brought out that has just stayed on the surface? Whatever it is, I have to get past it and soon. It is impacting all aspects of my life and I can't have that. I'll do whatever it takes to get it right if I can just get some guidance.

I need peace and I need it now.

Labels: dating, divorce, pain, relationships, self-esteem

I am in a weird mood right now.

To be honest I am in neither a good mood nor a bad mood. I have been exchanging emails with someone and knowing they are happy and I’m not doesn’t make me feel better. I know it’s selfish but I kind of felt like it was twisting the knife, even though it was just a statement of fact. I don’t want to be with the person, but I want to be missed. I want them to want to be with me even though they can’t be. I am being a selfish bastard and I know it, but it’s true.

I am not numb. I’ve been there, and that is usually a medication issue. I feel, but I don’t know what I feel. I’m not anxious. I’m not depressed. I want certain things to happen, but that isn’t an emotion. I am, in the truest sense of the word, just being. I am keeping myself busy and have plans to do so over the weekend as well. I have a plan to start my weight loss. I have an idea on my exercise. In short I am doing what I need to do. But it’s not giving me satisfaction, nor is it making me feel weak or helpless.

I am making moves for the future that, if they pay off, will help alleviate so much stress. On the other hand I am aware that much of my fate is beyond my control. I am aware, but only mildly afraid. I can only do so much and the rest is up to the universe. Maybe that book “The Secret” is right. Keep on trying and have the right attitude and it comes back to you. When I was down I got nowhere. We’ll see what this gets me.

I have but one goal. I have to get financially strong enough that my son wants for nothing. When he said he would miss me this weekend it didn’t make me cry. I was happy for once, because he never says that. I can tell he really wants to be with me, which is more than I can say for most people. One day he will be someone great. He may not be famous, but he will be a great man other men will look up to. And I will look on with pride wondering how he ever got there.

Labels: life, medication, relationships, stress

I was reading one of those: How does your birth order impact your personality in relationships pieces, and now I'm confused.

First, understand my dilemma. I was a first born. BUT, there were multiple miscarriages before me. Then my mother remarried and I was a middle child. Then my siblings were kidnapped and I was an only child again. But they were found, so I was back in the middle. Then the younger one was kidnapped again, and I was the youngest.

So where, exactly, do I fit?

My therapist says most of what makes your personality is formed by age 5, so we can eliminate everything starting with the remarriage. But was I a first born, middle child, youngest or only child. Surely the miscarriages affected how I was raised. But does that mean I was pushed more toward an only or a first born. Was a coddled like a last born? I am confused.

Even worse, I meet the criteria for a First, part of a second and most of only. The charm thing for a third is something I have been told, but I feel I have lost that over the last couple of years. In fact, a friend of mine pointed out when we went to watch a fight that I have no charm at all when it comes to women. Frankly I didn't give a shit since I wasn't looking to meet anyone. Maybe they are all just expecting men to push and try too hard and I'm not going to do it.

It's very strange for me because I am not at all interested in dating or a relationship. Everywhere you go, when you meet someone of the opposite sex you are expected to try to impress them. What they get from me is the same thing a casual guy friend would get. I make smart ass remarks and if you make an ass of yourself I laugh at you and make fun of you for the rest of the night over it. In short, I treat everyone like a guy. And, even worse, I am not interested in making these people friends usually because I know I'll never see them again. Why would I? I don't live in a bar, grocery store, restaurant…

I am not looking for a girlfriend, a hook-up, a friend with benefits or anything. That part of me right now is TOTALLY dead. I know the faithful readers, or those who read the real old archives will have a hard time believing this, but I have almost no interest in sex. And I think that if I did develop an interest nothing would come of it. It would be lame to end up in bed with me right now. I'd never make a move on you and spend an hour or more tossing while I tried to fall asleep.

This is a person I don't understand or really like. Neither of those is a change, but the person is a change. I'm told I am making progress, but maybe I just put myself out there less. I don't even really know anymore. I do know that I am not the same person, and whatever defines who we are has me in a spot where I can be multiple people and not like any of them.

I think it's time to take off my shoes and rest my feet. Maybe that will relax me.

Labels: birth order, dating, life, relationships

I love the way people are trying to get me to start dating again.

Don't get me wrong. I still appreciate a hot woman. And I am still a hornball just like the next guy. But I am not interested in dating. I have found that if I stop for even a minute, and don't keep myself occupied, my anxiety jumps and then I'm a mess. I even enjoy making cold calls at work because it fights off the anxiety. But the causes of my anxiety would be right in front of me if I were dating. The anxiety isn't about Tricia. It's about me. She didn't personally cause them. The fact that I was dating and then married caused them.

But people, including my shrink, keep asking me if I've tried this, that or the other thing. Let me ask you this; can you see me being a church guy? I have a blog full of the word fuck and comments about anal sex. While lots of church guys are like that in private, I am just like that period. And bars? You think I would ever trust a woman I picked up in a bar? I would assume any time she went to a bar without me she was trying to get picked up. After all, I did it.

But the best suggestion was online. With one exception (Heather, or She Who Shall Not Be Named) every single story in this blog involves an online hookup to at least some degree. So we kind of have a track record there. We have the women who were married and told me they weren't. We have the women who were married but said they were separated. We have hard core no lube anal girl. We have a woman who I broke up with who, despite pledging she wanted to marry me was claiming to be in love with another guy less than a week later. And… Well, you get the idea.

Unless my new psychiatrist comes up with a med that blocks the physical symptoms of anxiety, there is no way I can date unless it's one off and I never think about them again. I don't do that very well though. If I like them I get attached. Then the anxiety hits because I don't feel worthy. It hits because I don't trust. It hits because I am expecting to get hurt again.

People don't understand that. It's not always my thoughts that are triggering this bullshit. I am pretty nervous physically sometimes even when I am not thinking about anything negative. Even when it's thought triggered it may not be a negative thought. Sometimes I need to be doing something, but at the same time can't get myself motivated to do it because I am so anxious I just feel like walking around almost in circles.

I'm seriously worried about myself, and I am not sure people see that. I can't show it at work because I could lose my job. At home nobody is there. I sure as hell can't call friends and say “Guess what. I'm turning circles in the living room!” It's bad enough my dog does that when he takes a dump.

I am isolated because I have to be with someone that makes me feel safe just to not feel insane. People don't understand that and how do you tell someone “Sorry. I don't feel safe with you emotionally.” That is a pretty harsh thing to say, to be honest. But with all but a handful of people, it is the absolute truth.

It's not always that they scare me either. It is that I need to draw on their strength to feel safe. My son calms me some because he won't hurt me. But he can only do so much to comfort and protect me emotionally. My mother… well, she is the root of much of my neurosis, so the fact she may be better now doesn't change that. My Dad is sometimes the only one I feel safe around within the family.

It's all so complicated and confusing. It's bad enough I have even wondered about ECT to see if it will slow my thoughts. My quick wits have always been a source of pride, but my conscious cannot keep up and keeping bad ideas under control is impossible. The mind may only be able to think one thing at a time, but what it thinks can be hard to control. My therapist has tricks that help when I'm there, but they don't seem up to the task in the real world.

One of these days I have to get better. Because I can't live the rest of my life like this.

Labels: anxiety, dating, life, medication, relationships

I'm scared to write.

I don't mean that in the way I have said certain stories aren't told because I am scared that the person or persons involved will unleash on me making me miserable and making this blog unreadable. The stories from my marriage aren't going to be told period, so why be scared. I don't write those stories because I don't want to. They are ours and ours alone.

But for some reason I have a problem when I even think about writing. I get scared and anxious. I hate that feeling. I have all these triggers, but to have writing, one thing I love and one thing I am good at, be one of them is making me miserable. I loved when hundreds of people read what I wrote every day. I even admit that I loved that some people would stay up and keep checking the page to see if I had written for the day yet.

I know that part of the problem is that when I write I think of her. When Scared Bunny stopped being a nightly read it was mostly because what I wanted to do was write for her. I know it seems strange, but it still seems my writing belongs to her, and I can't use it without her blessing. I don't mean her blessing telling stories. I mean her blessing to write at all. That's why I wrote those paid posts. I felt a little guilty writing them, but not near as guilty as I felt writing anything of substance.

A big part of me is trying to keep my whole life superficial right now. If I keep it shallow and I fall, the fall won't be too far. And I can't handle another fall.

Labels: fear, life, relationships, writing

You know, people that blog tend to write about all kinds of things. You see a whole lot of blogs about knitting or parenting. Everyone with a political opinion, and I think some who only think they do have one, feel the urge to write about it. There are cooking blogs, sex blogs (you know, like this one used to be), and photoblogs.

There are even blogs about emotions. How many blogs a day do you see about how depressed, unhappy, angry or even bored do you see when you hit next blog on that bar on top of most blogs? But, as you know if you read hear much you know that I play a little Blogshares on the side. And in all that play I had never even heard of something called the Freya. That is the artifact for love.

Ive reviewed as many blogs as every player in that game besides one person, and the only "love" blogs that stand out are teenagers talking about their boyfriends or girlfriends, and I swear the only reason those even exist is because kids have curfews. For adults like me, if we are in love we would much rather spend what little time we have doing something for the person we love.

Look at my writing. When I first met Tricia the frequency and quality of my posts dropped. And eventually the posts here ended and the ONLY posts I did were for her. But I would rather spend time talking to her or doing things for her than writing to her. That, for me, is what love is. I have this giant hole in my life trying to come up with something to fill it.

To be healthy I need to fill this hole with friends and healthy activities. I need to find a way to spend my time following the secret to happy life and focus on the things in life I want to make real. My mind can't be focused on loss and pain. It needs to be full of damn near anything else.

Blogs aren't designed for lovers. They may be a way to share with others what you intend for the one you love, but, ultimately, most of us are lonely at heart, and being part of the blogging community makes us part of something, which is more than we get from any of our other appliances when you get right down to it.

Labels: blogging, emotions, love, relationships

People have been wondering why I am posting commercial stuff and not personal stuff. The reason is the commercial things kind of keep me occupied and I need to say something, even if it’s just for money. But the personal stuff, I just don’t feel comfortable writing about.

I don’t want to write anything that seems to be excusing myself, or pointing blame. But if I do write everything that is how some people will take it. On the other hand, if I just write about how bad I was and the things I did I am not being true to what happened or to myself. It doesn’t help anything to beat myself up or place blame.

I am not going to try to use what happened in my marriage for entertainment. This is not like writing about some woman who I dated a couple of times who ended up being a freak. This is also not like a woman who hit me, stole from me and tried to get me arrested and then turned around and asked me to testify that she was a fit parent. What happened is far too personal for even this site.

I have always been brutally honest when I wrote here. Sometimes I said more than I probably should have. But in a couple of cases I have said nothing because what happened is too important and real for that kind of treatment. I just don’t have it in me to write a Lifetime Movie Network version of events with a clear villain and a hero. That’s not what this was like or what it’s all about.

I also have been real hesitant to write about what is going on in my life because it would center on therapy and my personal crap, and I do not want that to be confused as me making excuses for anything. The reality is I wake up every morning scared for no reason and after the morning medicines kick in I relax enough to barely make it through the day. Then I go home, which I dread doing, and as the meds wear off I get more and more stressed until I finally go to bed to escape it.

I am in a holding pattern while I wait to start with a new, much better, doctor who will hopefully manage my meds instead of leaving me out on my own to try to find a way to make them work well enough that I don’t go off the deep end. I also am in slower therapy because the 90 minute sessions she needs are harder to schedule and sometimes I have to miss a week.

I am waiting for my hard efforts at work during a brief period of motivation to pay off, which will alleviate a lot of financial stress.

In short, I am waiting to feel like something less than a ticking time bomb.

So until I get the nerve to write about why I am changing doctors, I guess this will have to do.

Unless you want to hire me to write something.

Labels: ads, anxiety, life, medication, personality+tests, relationships, writing

You know I have to say it kind of frustrates me when people want me to date, or assume I am dating, or any of that. Dating is the furthest thing from my mind right now. I am really just focusing on work, getting healthy and my son.

Even if I wanted to date I couldn’t do it. When I think about being in a relationship it is all I can do to not have a panic attack. I don’t mean dating as a concept. I mean I can see people dating and all that. But if I think about me actually being involved with someone the physical symptoms start up. It is God’s way or my mind’s way or whatever of telling me to stay single. It’s not exactly something I am happy about, but it sure does make the decision easy.

I am not in any condition to be in a relationship. It’s kind of funny though because I am doing real well at work. I am having fun with my son. For the most part I am taking care of myself, my house and everything like that. I am even getting a decent tan. But this one area of my life is just not right, and I have to accept that.

My therapy kicks in to high gear soon. They are going to be using hypnosis to get me relaxed enough to get past my mental barriers and find out why I am like this. I am not talking the “you will quack like a duck when I say watermelon”. This is the kind of hypnosis where they are really just trying to get you to relax and focus. My doctor thinks I will be very responsive because I seem to be able to enter the state already.

The cool thing is not that I would be able to have a relationship if it works though. I know it seems strange, but that is not why I am doing it. I am really just tired of the anxious feeling in the pit of my stomach. I just want to be healthy. I really am not doing this for any other reason. And I have to say this is the first time I ever went in to therapy with a specific goal.

In the past my goals, if I had any, were vague. The first time I wanted to know why I was so angry, and they gave me an answer. Of course they didn’t do anything to make it any better. They never even really got specific with the causes. But they did a bang up job of making me angrier and meaner.

The second time I never found the right therapist. I wanted to “be healthy” but had no idea what that meant. I was always working on what was going on right that moment, even when I was doing ok with things. I needed a solution and understanding, and instead I got coping mechanisms related to things I wasn’t dealing with and advice to “get out more.

This time I know what I am trying to do, and my therapist is working with me on it. I want to first deal with anxiety, but not through just coping mechanisms but with a permanent treatment. If that means I need to revisit my past I will. If that means dealing with some ugly truths, I will. Only then can I learn why my ways of thinking are wrong and learn new better ways of seeing the world.

I think too many therapists are trying to find easier ways to deal with their patients’ issues. If the issues are minor then little coping tricks really can work. Some people just need someone to listen to them. It’s like the old ladies who get their hair done every week not because it needs done, but because they crave the physical contact.

I have a therapist who seems to like to get down in the trenches and fight the wars that need fought. I am not saying she couldn’t help a housewife who just feels unappreciated. I mean that she seems to have a mindset of finding real problems, real causes and real solutions. It makes me feel better about myself, and I see a light at the end of the tunnel.

It’s such a change, yet I still have so far to go.

Labels: anxiety, fear, life, relationships, single, therapy

OK, I have to preface this one again. This is not targeted at anything anyone has said, or anything that has happened. In fact, this wasn’t “caused” by anyone or anything other than my mind.

As you know if you read this, I have an issue with hearing about sex from someone I am involved with. While other people have no problem with it, it does bug me. And I know it’s hard for the people around me. I also know that anyone who reads my blog gets a lot of stories about my past, so they feel like I am being a hypocrite. But I have to say one thing in defense of that. I have never, and will never, write a post like that when I am involved with someone. To me it just seems disrespectful. I have even considered deleting the posts that are out there but haven’t because it would feel like I was trying to hide my past, even though I admit I am ashamed of most of it.

But the reason it bugs me I have always pegged on insecurity. To a certain degree that is true. It does feel like if someone I am with is talking about sex with someone else they must be thinking about it. And in my mind that means they want that person more than me. I am not saying that’s a fair assessment, but it is how my mind works for now, and until I get through an awful lot of therapy.

But it occurred to me there is another big reason it bugs me, and I feel like a chick for thinking like this. It bugs me because it makes it feel like the sex we have in our relationship is not special. If sex is just another thing you do, and just something you talk in detail about with everyone, then it’s not special. It makes it feel like it’s no different than shopping or washing the car. It’s just another topic of discussion. And with my insecurity I need it to be important. If the sex isn’t important, then I’m not important.

I took one of those quick and dirty personality type tests yesterday, and it hit the nail on the head when it comes to relationships. I am basically a needy bastard who has to be protected and has to be made to feel special and important. If I don’t feel that I am going to freak out. It also said that sex for a person like me is not about the sex. In fact, it’s not so much a physical act as an emotional act. In a relationship it will be a main way that we express love. So if you cheapen the act in any way, or make it seem unimportant, then it makes it very hard to feel loved.

And outside of a relationship it has been a way I was able to feel special when I really didn’t feel that special normally. When I look back at my whole romantic life I can see how that has been true. I can also see how it makes being with me very difficult. If I need someone who is very open to sharing their feelings (which I do so they can feed my need to feel loved) they are likely going to be open in other ways as well. That means hearing things that will then, in my twisted mind, cheapen that love.

I can look at what I have been through in relationships and see that the type of person I need in one area contradicts what I need in another. As a result nobody can keep me happy while still being true to themselves.

There’s a lot more I really realized about myself when I read the test results, but one really stuck out: “Will stay in the wrong relationship for a long time rather than face the conflict of ending it”. Well, damn, if that’s not me to a T (remember Heather) then I don’t know what is.

Labels: dating, insecurity, life, personality+tests, relationships, sex

I have to say life is interesting.

This time last year I was totally single and not even dating. I was on a self-imposed break from anything remotely resembling a relationship. I was not as much healing from the last relationship as I was trying to heal enough to be worth a good woman. I had been through a relationship I considered, and still consider, the strangest I have ever been in. I realized I was not in a good place for a relationship, and that something inside me had to change.

I was working at home and had virtually no face-to-face contact with anyone that wasn’t either paid to talk to me or happened to live near me. I sometimes would get a call and it had been so long since I had spoken that I almost couldn’t make a sound. I had friends, but only one of them was real. I was avoiding dealing with a lot of people from my distant and recent past because I didn’t see any reason to be involved with people who were either unhealthy or pushed my psyche to be unhealthy.

I had a job that barely provided for me, and dealt with sometimes not being paid at all. I had an employer that had promised me the world and delivered nothing. My boss had quit to get away with the bullshit, as had everyone else that did what I did. I was learning that contracts are made to be broken, and some people simply can’t manage. And I was dealing with the possibility I would have to stay in the job because of mistakes from my past.

Now I am dealing with the possibility of a divorce. I am married to a woman I love dearly, but I am learning that just taking time off to heal doesn’t mean you do heal. I have discovered that I have a disorder I never realized I had, and that being isolated masked the symptoms. I have seen that I never handled many of the problems from my past, and have learned what caused so many of them were something beyond my control. I have been taught that it’s possible I am not the piece of shit I have always believed I was.

I have a job where not only have they delivered what they promised; I am seeing the possibility of making more money than I ever dreamed possible. I am learning that success can be as scary as failure. I have a position where not only do I deal with co-workers every day; I speak with dozens of complete strangers daily. I am finding that I enjoy working and thrive on achievement. I have a boss who appreciates hard work as long as your efforts lead to production. We are measured based not on whether or not the boss likes us, but on how we perform. I am in a position where instead of being broke, I might have more than I know what to do with.

With all of these changes I am sometimes finding that I am confused. While I always had low self-esteem, I was able to appear confident. Now there are times I just can’t fake it. I have to do my best to hide it because the world hates a loser, and nobody will trust a man who doesn’t trust himself. I always assumed that if I found a woman that truly loved me and that I truly loved that it would automatically work. I am realizing that the person we are can dictate our present. I am learning that the past has power if we let it, and I have been giving the past control of my present.

In short, I am in a learning mode. I have to learn how to be in a learning mode while remaining strong as a father and employee. I am also realizing that I am not as strong as I want to be, and I can only take on so much. I am also learning that I can control my thoughts; I just don’t do it very well just yet. I am learning that I really do have to work for therapy to work, and that what I thought was work was just spinning my wheels. I am also learning how my childhood impacted me and why. And eventually I will learn how to retrain my mind.

I am emotionally drained and mentally exhausted sometimes. Not only do I have to work all day, even down times are not down time. I have to constantly be on guard to keep my thoughts where they should be. There’s not a moment where I’m not working on something, and when I do stop I pay the price almost instantly and then I find myself working again. Yes I’m admitting I am exhausted. But I’d rather be exhausted and see progress than be rested and live the life I did for 36 years.

Labels: anxiety, changes, life, psychology, relationships, success, therapy, work

OK, I don’t want to write about me right now. I am using a personal journal for that. One only my therapist sees.

What I do want to write about is how other people are a problem in relationships. No, this isn’t a backhanded way to discuss Tricia and I. This is about a friend I have mentioned before that has a situation I guarantee will cause a problem for her.

Here are the brief details. She met a guy and they “fell in love”. They were “together” for 3 months, but almost none of that time was spent in the same state. See, he is a military guy and was first stationed elsewhere, then shipped to Iraq. And, no this isn’t about military guys or long distance relationships or even Iraq.

This is about his mom.

His mom loves this girl. She loves the idea of her son being with this girl. She is convinced they are meant for each other and that they will always be together. In short, she is on crack.

See, shortly after they split physically, there was a misunderstanding. The girl spent an evening watching a movie with a guy friend. Now, I am not going to get in to the guy friend thing here, but I will say what he did next was stupid as hell. She has a MySpace and he left a comment saying “Thanks for coming over. Hope I didn’t keep you up too late last night.” Now, imagine what the boyfriend, on his way to Iraq, thought when he saw that comment. He flipped! He assumed the worst and, to be honest, I would have too. If as soon as we are apart my girlfriend is at another guy’s house, I am thinking something bad.

Well, they broke up. More accurately, he dumped her. She explained to him the situation, and he said he believed her. But they did not kiss and make up. They remained apart. To this day he will not answer her emails, chat with her and he has her blocked on MySpace and his chat program.

But the girl has become friends with the mother. And she is still convinced that they belong together and will be together. She has told the girl to date, so she doesn’t get bored, but by date she kind of means going out more or less as friends. And she wants the girl to be available when her son “makes up his mind”, because, of course, he will decide they will be together.

Now, the mother wants the girl to bring her kids to visit this summer, and to go to Disneyland and… you get the idea. Now, consider this. The girl has decided to move on. She realizes they are not meant to be together and has no intention of waiting for him to “make up his mind”. When he ignored the 50th email and blocked her completely, he showed his mind is made up. So how does the friendship with the mom affect her?

Well, first, let me say that a “friend” is someone with very few off limit topics. If you can’t discuss who you are seeing with someone, they aren’t a friend. And a friend isn’t going to try to get you to wait for a man who has shown he doesn’t want you. A friend doesn’t act based on their beliefs or dreams for you, but based on what will make you happy.

Imagine being the next guy this girl is with. Would you be real comfortable with your girlfriend talking for hours on end with the mom of an ex who is convinced the two of you are going to get back together? Would you want your girlfriend spending all that time at the home of an ex’s mother? Heck, doesn’t involving the kids send messages that there is a chance for them?

See, I look at this whole situation and see it is going to cause problems. The mother, no matter what she says, is not going to abandon her beliefs and what she has been actively trying to accomplish. And her actions, to me, are clearly designed to keep treating this girl as her daughter-in-law. Notice, the invitation didn’t even consider the possibility that 2 months from now she will be seeing someone. To the mother that’s not possible because this girl is destined to be with her son. She is trying to find ways to keep the girl available for her son when he returns.

I guess I just can’t see how this “friendship” is anything remotely resembling a friendship. I look at the mom’s actions and see motive clear as day. I also have some experience with moms, and I have to say they almost always act based on what they want for their kids, and get tunnel vision if they have a strong belief like that.

I hope for this girl’s sake I am wrong, but I don’t see how she can move on with mom hanging around the way she is.

Labels: advice, dating, exes, life, mothers, relationships

OK, I have to start by saying that nobody should assume anything I write is directed at, or inspired by, my wife and our split. I am not going to ever write about her or us for amusement purposes. She and I cannot be together because of me, and that is very sad. But she is still a very special woman and I love her. I always will.

Also, understand I am not saying I am an expert on life and relationships. More often than not you would do better by doing the opposite of what I do. But I also am the first one to tell you that the majority of mistakes I have made were avoidable, and I also have a nasty habit of not doing what I say someone should do. In almost every instance where I had a relationship worthy of Scared Bunny I broke one or more of the rules set out in the 300+ pages of bullshit I’ve written here. Granted some of the rules were set as a direct result of the experiences I have had, but in a lot of cases I made an exception and paid the price for it.

The biggest thing I can say is that most of the time when I did something where things went crazy I had alarm bells going off all the time. When I dated Heather, the one in the very first story and the one who you all need to read about to understand why this blog exists, I knew I was in trouble. When you are in love it’s common to lose your appetite. Well, with her I not only had no appetite, I usually puked after every meal. I am serious. I was like one of those girls on the after school specials except I didn’t make myself puke on purpose. I was just always so scared that my stomach couldn’t take it. I went from 230 pounds to 185. My ex-wife (the first one) saw me and noted I had lost weight. Then she said “Is it a good weight loss?” Even she saw what a toll Heather was taking on me.

Most people tell you to listen to your heart. I will tell you to listen to your stomach. There is a feeling you get in the pit of your stomach when something isn’t right. I am not saying you will puke. I don’t puke much, and sometimes it’s not the relationship but other things health wise. But it’s not about puking. It’s about trusting that little voice in your head, or in your stomach, that is telling you you have a problem. Your heart can mislead you because you can be in love with the wrong person. But you are still in love with them. But there is usually a part of you that knows the match is not a good one.

I know you are now thinking I am a hypocrite, and I am. I think most of us will say you shouldn’t do things we have done. Hell, if you’re a parent you probably tell your kids every day not to do things you have done or still do. But that’s also because either you are wanting better for them, or because what’s OK for an adult is not OK for a kid. In a way that is what I do sometimes here. I am not going to tell you I will always 100% follow my own advice. Every now and then you do have to gamble. But I will say that I take those chances knowing full well that history says not to. And I will usually admit that I am breaking a rule, even if it’s a big one, if I write about it.

Pretty much, I see relationships the same as I see gambling. You go in to it deciding if the risk is worth the reward. Now, when it comes to the lottery, I almost never play unless the cash payout after taxes is about the same as the odds of winning. Every now and then though I get a wild hair up my ass and play when it’s not though. That’s how relationships are. You can go on just taking a chance when it really seems worth the risk up front, but every now and then most people say “What the hell” and take a chance on one that may not seem worth it on the surface. Unfortunately, just like with the lottery, more often than not I don’t win and “buying the ticket” didn’t pay off. But at least you had the fun of playing and dreaming those “what if” dreams. Now, in my case, it’s more like a pull on a $100 slot where it comes up all lemons, but that’s just me.

Anyway, right now I will tell you that any stories I write will either be about things way in the past or other people I know. I am not even thinking about getting involved with anyone. I am not only still heartbroken, I wouldn’t wish me on anyone right now. They can give me pills so I don’t always feel sad and scared, but I know that deep down I have some wounds that never healed. Until I have some closure on those, and probably some scar tissue forms to toughen me up, I shouldn’t be involved. I also am not really interested in even casual dating because I am scared I will get attached or she will, and then someone gets hurt. I have hurt enough people already.

Instead, I’ll be taking that energy and spend it on trying to figure out why I am like this and how to change. My time will be about work, my son and maybe a little poker. I do hope, though, that they figure out something to do about my hands being a little shaky because it freaks people out and makes playing cards a bitch.

Labels: advice, dating, hypocricy, life, puking, relationships

OK, I was talking to an old school friend the other day, and she starts telling me this story about her best friend.

She was one of those that had a guy best friend. They did everything together. He shopped with her. They hung out. They were the main person the other went to with relationship problems. In short, they did everything you would expect best friends to do. Or, more accurately, they did the kinds of things that 2 female best friends would do.

See, there are few straight guys that love going shopping together. Even fewer provide good relationship advice. The typical conversation between 2 guy best friends goes like this:

Guy 1: “Dude, my girlfriend is being such a bitch.”

Guy 2: “Dude, they’re all bitches.”

In short, the guy was not acting normal for a typical guy. While there are exceptions to the rule, his actions would not be considered typical male behavior for a friend.

But, for the sake of argument, we will say she just assumed he was more sensitive and enlightened than the typical guy.

So, one night he asks her to come watch a movie. They have done this a thousand times, so she doesn’t see anything strange. They sit down, watch the movie and just do what they have always done. Then his hand brushes up against her leg. Well, they are sitting kind of close, so she excuses it as an accident. But his hand doesn’t move. In fact, it not only stays against her leg, it moves on top of her leg. And before long, he is rubbing her leg. At this point she is feeling kind of weird because this is not normal friend behavior. It was also not normal when he brushed the hair away from her face and went in to kiss her neck.

But, what she didn’t get, and still doesn’t get, is that this IS normal guy behavior. The whole thing is normal guy behavior. It’s not that the guy did anything abnormal. He has been hanging around her because he likes her. Sure it took him a long time to actually make a move, but the move came, and it should have been expected. Hell, I knew where the story was going as soon as she told me her best friend was a guy. I have known a lot of women in my life with guy best friends, and except for the few where the guy was gay, the stories always end up with the girl somehow finding out that her “friend” wanted to be more than friends.

Now, on one hand, I really don’t care because it’s like that story about the turtle and the scorpion. A scorpion asks a turtle for a ride across a stream. The turtle says “No way. If I do that you’ll sting me.” But the scorpion reminds the turtle that if he does that they’ll both drown. The turtle agrees to give the scorpion a ride, and the scorpion climbs on. But half way across the stream the scorpion stings the turtle and they both start sinking. The turtle asks “How could you do that? Now we’ll both die!” And the scorpion replies, “It’s just my nature.”

It’s hard for me to be too upset with the guy because he was doing what is in his nature. Guys tend to want to be around women they are attracted to. I have known some guys with ugly female friends, but they usually use them as either wing women, to get to their friends, as a shoulder to cry on or as a slumpbuster. In short, they use them. And I can’t say that the woman is blameless because she had to see some signs along the way. There had to be times his eyes strayed a little or stayed locked just a split second too long.

But what annoyed me was when I asked her about how the guy friend had impacted her relationships. See, since they had been friends she hadn’t had any serious relationships. She had dated a few guys, but nothing ever came of it. Let’s see if we can figure out why. First, she never had any time to get to know those guys because she and her friend were always busy. That was funny to me because almost every woman I have known would ditch female friends in a heartbeat for a guy. But they will almost never ditch a male friend for a date.

Then there was the fact that, as she discussed the dates, the “friend” kept steering her towards the bad things about the guy. I mean, the guy was a double agent. He’s in there as a “friend” protecting her by eliminating his competition. In his mind, she was supposed to be with him so, naturally, every guy she dated wasn’t good enough. Even though he had low self-esteem (the guys that use the “friend” tactic usually do) he still sincerely believed they were meant to be together.

And all of that is kind of sneaky and underhanded, but I kind of think she was using him too. She was getting the benefits of a friend and a boyfriend without all of the hassles of a relationship. Now, she wasn’t getting any sex from him, but for all I know those one and two dates she did have were giving her enough to get her by. (We’re not the kind of friends that talk about sex, so I have no idea.) So while she was getting played, she was kind of playing him too.

I guess that, the thing is, in most cases when one person is playing someone, you have to look and see if the person getting played is doing a little playing themselves. Even the “innocent victim” usually has at very least let themselves get used, and may very well be less than innocent.

And, yes, I’ve done all the things I complain about, so I am a hypocrite.

Labels: friends, games, players, relationships, used