Scared Bunny

My therapist has a phrase she likes to use. She says I am “invested” in being miserable.

Now, understand she doesn’t say this to be mean. She known my childhood and understands I was raised to believe that stress, anxiety and fear were the norm. She also knows I had more than my share of reasons to be depressed, so until I decide to make the change in what I want my life to be like I will always be anxious and depressed.

There is something I have never admitted here. Despite the fact that I have a rule to never date exes, I have and if I wasn’t working real hard to avoid it I probably would again. I know I say that when it’s broken you usually can’t fix it, but I have tried in the past. It never worked. In fact, it usually fell apart faster. But I have trouble meeting people. I am a shy person usually, especially with women. I have so little game a female friend of a friend said my no game was my game.

But what I have been told to do is stop selling myself short. Funny thing is, many of the same things I am being told to do are things the women I was with said in reference to themselves. I have got to stop selling myself short. I have to accept that I am a pretty decent catch. I have a calm and soothing way about me while at the same time a biting satire that can double you over.

My therapist wants me to date. She wants me to try to meet attractive women, with brains and careers. She suggests starting online but that scares me. Other friends say bookstores, grocery stores and museums. Whatever it is it’s time to stop looking at the past and look forward.

So this blog may undergo a very drastic change.

Labels: dating, emotions, life, psychology

I have to say life is interesting.

This time last year I was totally single and not even dating. I was on a self-imposed break from anything remotely resembling a relationship. I was not as much healing from the last relationship as I was trying to heal enough to be worth a good woman. I had been through a relationship I considered, and still consider, the strangest I have ever been in. I realized I was not in a good place for a relationship, and that something inside me had to change.

I was working at home and had virtually no face-to-face contact with anyone that wasn’t either paid to talk to me or happened to live near me. I sometimes would get a call and it had been so long since I had spoken that I almost couldn’t make a sound. I had friends, but only one of them was real. I was avoiding dealing with a lot of people from my distant and recent past because I didn’t see any reason to be involved with people who were either unhealthy or pushed my psyche to be unhealthy.

I had a job that barely provided for me, and dealt with sometimes not being paid at all. I had an employer that had promised me the world and delivered nothing. My boss had quit to get away with the bullshit, as had everyone else that did what I did. I was learning that contracts are made to be broken, and some people simply can’t manage. And I was dealing with the possibility I would have to stay in the job because of mistakes from my past.

Now I am dealing with the possibility of a divorce. I am married to a woman I love dearly, but I am learning that just taking time off to heal doesn’t mean you do heal. I have discovered that I have a disorder I never realized I had, and that being isolated masked the symptoms. I have seen that I never handled many of the problems from my past, and have learned what caused so many of them were something beyond my control. I have been taught that it’s possible I am not the piece of shit I have always believed I was.

I have a job where not only have they delivered what they promised; I am seeing the possibility of making more money than I ever dreamed possible. I am learning that success can be as scary as failure. I have a position where not only do I deal with co-workers every day; I speak with dozens of complete strangers daily. I am finding that I enjoy working and thrive on achievement. I have a boss who appreciates hard work as long as your efforts lead to production. We are measured based not on whether or not the boss likes us, but on how we perform. I am in a position where instead of being broke, I might have more than I know what to do with.

With all of these changes I am sometimes finding that I am confused. While I always had low self-esteem, I was able to appear confident. Now there are times I just can’t fake it. I have to do my best to hide it because the world hates a loser, and nobody will trust a man who doesn’t trust himself. I always assumed that if I found a woman that truly loved me and that I truly loved that it would automatically work. I am realizing that the person we are can dictate our present. I am learning that the past has power if we let it, and I have been giving the past control of my present.

In short, I am in a learning mode. I have to learn how to be in a learning mode while remaining strong as a father and employee. I am also realizing that I am not as strong as I want to be, and I can only take on so much. I am also learning that I can control my thoughts; I just don’t do it very well just yet. I am learning that I really do have to work for therapy to work, and that what I thought was work was just spinning my wheels. I am also learning how my childhood impacted me and why. And eventually I will learn how to retrain my mind.

I am emotionally drained and mentally exhausted sometimes. Not only do I have to work all day, even down times are not down time. I have to constantly be on guard to keep my thoughts where they should be. There’s not a moment where I’m not working on something, and when I do stop I pay the price almost instantly and then I find myself working again. Yes I’m admitting I am exhausted. But I’d rather be exhausted and see progress than be rested and live the life I did for 36 years.

Labels: anxiety, changes, life, psychology, relationships, success, therapy, work