Scared Bunny

I am in a weird mood right now.

To be honest I am in neither a good mood nor a bad mood. I have been exchanging emails with someone and knowing they are happy and I’m not doesn’t make me feel better. I know it’s selfish but I kind of felt like it was twisting the knife, even though it was just a statement of fact. I don’t want to be with the person, but I want to be missed. I want them to want to be with me even though they can’t be. I am being a selfish bastard and I know it, but it’s true.

I am not numb. I’ve been there, and that is usually a medication issue. I feel, but I don’t know what I feel. I’m not anxious. I’m not depressed. I want certain things to happen, but that isn’t an emotion. I am, in the truest sense of the word, just being. I am keeping myself busy and have plans to do so over the weekend as well. I have a plan to start my weight loss. I have an idea on my exercise. In short I am doing what I need to do. But it’s not giving me satisfaction, nor is it making me feel weak or helpless.

I am making moves for the future that, if they pay off, will help alleviate so much stress. On the other hand I am aware that much of my fate is beyond my control. I am aware, but only mildly afraid. I can only do so much and the rest is up to the universe. Maybe that book “The Secret” is right. Keep on trying and have the right attitude and it comes back to you. When I was down I got nowhere. We’ll see what this gets me.

I have but one goal. I have to get financially strong enough that my son wants for nothing. When he said he would miss me this weekend it didn’t make me cry. I was happy for once, because he never says that. I can tell he really wants to be with me, which is more than I can say for most people. One day he will be someone great. He may not be famous, but he will be a great man other men will look up to. And I will look on with pride wondering how he ever got there.

Labels: life, medication, relationships, stress

I love the way people are trying to get me to start dating again.

Don't get me wrong. I still appreciate a hot woman. And I am still a hornball just like the next guy. But I am not interested in dating. I have found that if I stop for even a minute, and don't keep myself occupied, my anxiety jumps and then I'm a mess. I even enjoy making cold calls at work because it fights off the anxiety. But the causes of my anxiety would be right in front of me if I were dating. The anxiety isn't about Tricia. It's about me. She didn't personally cause them. The fact that I was dating and then married caused them.

But people, including my shrink, keep asking me if I've tried this, that or the other thing. Let me ask you this; can you see me being a church guy? I have a blog full of the word fuck and comments about anal sex. While lots of church guys are like that in private, I am just like that period. And bars? You think I would ever trust a woman I picked up in a bar? I would assume any time she went to a bar without me she was trying to get picked up. After all, I did it.

But the best suggestion was online. With one exception (Heather, or She Who Shall Not Be Named) every single story in this blog involves an online hookup to at least some degree. So we kind of have a track record there. We have the women who were married and told me they weren't. We have the women who were married but said they were separated. We have hard core no lube anal girl. We have a woman who I broke up with who, despite pledging she wanted to marry me was claiming to be in love with another guy less than a week later. And… Well, you get the idea.

Unless my new psychiatrist comes up with a med that blocks the physical symptoms of anxiety, there is no way I can date unless it's one off and I never think about them again. I don't do that very well though. If I like them I get attached. Then the anxiety hits because I don't feel worthy. It hits because I don't trust. It hits because I am expecting to get hurt again.

People don't understand that. It's not always my thoughts that are triggering this bullshit. I am pretty nervous physically sometimes even when I am not thinking about anything negative. Even when it's thought triggered it may not be a negative thought. Sometimes I need to be doing something, but at the same time can't get myself motivated to do it because I am so anxious I just feel like walking around almost in circles.

I'm seriously worried about myself, and I am not sure people see that. I can't show it at work because I could lose my job. At home nobody is there. I sure as hell can't call friends and say “Guess what. I'm turning circles in the living room!” It's bad enough my dog does that when he takes a dump.

I am isolated because I have to be with someone that makes me feel safe just to not feel insane. People don't understand that and how do you tell someone “Sorry. I don't feel safe with you emotionally.” That is a pretty harsh thing to say, to be honest. But with all but a handful of people, it is the absolute truth.

It's not always that they scare me either. It is that I need to draw on their strength to feel safe. My son calms me some because he won't hurt me. But he can only do so much to comfort and protect me emotionally. My mother… well, she is the root of much of my neurosis, so the fact she may be better now doesn't change that. My Dad is sometimes the only one I feel safe around within the family.

It's all so complicated and confusing. It's bad enough I have even wondered about ECT to see if it will slow my thoughts. My quick wits have always been a source of pride, but my conscious cannot keep up and keeping bad ideas under control is impossible. The mind may only be able to think one thing at a time, but what it thinks can be hard to control. My therapist has tricks that help when I'm there, but they don't seem up to the task in the real world.

One of these days I have to get better. Because I can't live the rest of my life like this.

Labels: anxiety, dating, life, medication, relationships

I have a job where I am allowed to work at home whenever I want. So, what did they do when they said I behaved erratically? They had me work at home.

Now, a temporary solution is to have me do something I could have been doing all the time anyway. I am having trouble seeing why having me do this is such a big deal since I could have just been converted to a home office.

I have come to the conclusion that corporate America is run by people on various narcotics.

And they say I'm the one with the problem.

Labels: business, medication, work

They have sent me some forms for my doctor. I guess they want to know if I can work. The poor lady has met me once and now she has to deal with all this. I know I can work, I just need meds that control my anxiety and don't make me groggy. They have to exist.

Maybe I can just telecommute. I have always had permission to work from home, so why not formalize it? Throw in a fax machine, phone line, Hi-Speed internet and some other stuff and all the sudden I have ahome office. Makes sense to me, but what do I know.

I am scared, but I'm not. Part of me realizes this is really just another episode that would make my life a good book.

I wonder who'd play me in the movie.

Labels: anxiety, insanity, life, medication, work

As you know, I post ads in my blogs. Yeah, I want some money from my writing because I'm scared to death to write the book everyone wants me to write.

So you would think that the ads would diminish the drama I used to get from telling true life stories. Guess again.

I had a complaint about the diamonds ad because I said I didn't have anyone to but them for. Well, Jeez, right now I don't. And after that I have even less likelihood of wanting to but one for someone.

No matter what I write I get drama. Ever wonder why I sometimes have trouble writing at all? I don't need even more reasons to be medicated. And these are people who know what I am going through. It's not even the random readers who think they know me!

Labels: anxiety, drama, medication, writing

Imagine this.

I have been seeing a doctor for like 3 years. For 3 years I told him that I didn't think the meds were treating my biggest problem,and he kept making changes that had nothing to do with what I was complaining about.

Finally I kept after him until he started making changes. He was the doc. I trusted him.

But, for reasons to be discussed later, I switched docs. And guess what, she looked at the meds I was on and said, basically, I was not on anything for what I was complaining about. Yes, I was on a handful of pills and almost every single one of them was for something that wasn't bothering me.

3 wasted years. 3 years of pushing people away because I was an emotional wreck due to the meds I was on.

Want to know why Scared Bunny happened? Well, maybe I'm not the only one to blame.

Labels: anxiety, doctors, medication, meds, psychiatry

People have been wondering why I am posting commercial stuff and not personal stuff. The reason is the commercial things kind of keep me occupied and I need to say something, even if it’s just for money. But the personal stuff, I just don’t feel comfortable writing about.

I don’t want to write anything that seems to be excusing myself, or pointing blame. But if I do write everything that is how some people will take it. On the other hand, if I just write about how bad I was and the things I did I am not being true to what happened or to myself. It doesn’t help anything to beat myself up or place blame.

I am not going to try to use what happened in my marriage for entertainment. This is not like writing about some woman who I dated a couple of times who ended up being a freak. This is also not like a woman who hit me, stole from me and tried to get me arrested and then turned around and asked me to testify that she was a fit parent. What happened is far too personal for even this site.

I have always been brutally honest when I wrote here. Sometimes I said more than I probably should have. But in a couple of cases I have said nothing because what happened is too important and real for that kind of treatment. I just don’t have it in me to write a Lifetime Movie Network version of events with a clear villain and a hero. That’s not what this was like or what it’s all about.

I also have been real hesitant to write about what is going on in my life because it would center on therapy and my personal crap, and I do not want that to be confused as me making excuses for anything. The reality is I wake up every morning scared for no reason and after the morning medicines kick in I relax enough to barely make it through the day. Then I go home, which I dread doing, and as the meds wear off I get more and more stressed until I finally go to bed to escape it.

I am in a holding pattern while I wait to start with a new, much better, doctor who will hopefully manage my meds instead of leaving me out on my own to try to find a way to make them work well enough that I don’t go off the deep end. I also am in slower therapy because the 90 minute sessions she needs are harder to schedule and sometimes I have to miss a week.

I am waiting for my hard efforts at work during a brief period of motivation to pay off, which will alleviate a lot of financial stress.

In short, I am waiting to feel like something less than a ticking time bomb.

So until I get the nerve to write about why I am changing doctors, I guess this will have to do.

Unless you want to hire me to write something.

Labels: ads, anxiety, life, medication, personality+tests, relationships, writing

I hate that this blog is getting to be so much about anxiety. It’s kind of boring to most people, and not as much fun to write about as the crazy ex stories. That said I want to write and have a few guidelines:

1- Relationship stuff is just between me and my wife. I write that for her, and not for general entertainment. Hence, it doesn’t belong here.
2- Kids and works have to be really funny to include.
3- No more talk about the exes. The past is behind me and it cannot hurt me anymore. Plus, why dwell on the many Ms. Wrongs when I have found Ms. Right?
4- No fiction

Add in the fact that true comedy pretty much always goes to “Tales off Sister Grim”, “This Is a Cult” or “Scary Personals”, and what you have left is what I am feeling at the moment I want to write. Frankly, that is often anxiety.

More accurately I am coming off an anxiety attack. It’s harder than hell to write truly anxious. But I want to get out what I was feeling. It’s selfish of me to use this space like that since most of you found the blog after searching “anal sex loving midget strippers”. If you want those stories go way back in the archives. Frankly I say start with the first post.

I had to tell my wife why I stayed in bed so long today. What it gets down to is that the safest I ever feel is curled up with her in bed. It’s not hard to get out of bed because I’m sleepy. It’s hard because that’s the best place for me to control my thoughts and relax my fears. Now, that sucks for her because, unless we have the kids, she will usually stay in bed until I get up since the clock is on my side of the bed.

It sounds pathetic for a man of my age to basically be afraid of getting out of bed, but I am. My wife asked what I am afraid of and I couldn’t really say. The best answer is everything. I am good at my job but it scares me because doing it well isn’t always easy, and success can be out of your control. I am afraid I am not a good enough husband and father. I am honestly afraid of feeling afraid. The anxiety and fear scare me. I hate that feeling. I am afraid of feeling it.

Anxiety is a self feeding animal. You get a twinge of anxiety and your body takes over. If your mind has bad thoughts, your body gets anxious. If the body is anxious and the mind has a bad thought it assumes the thought represents a risk, based on the signals of the body. Having anxiety is like always waiting to be hit. You are braced for it and expecting it. The tension builds and builds as you dwell on the fact you are going to get hit. Except the hit usually never comes.

I didn’t realize just how sheltered I was working at home all the time, but I was. Even though the work was the same as now, it was less stressful because I was in a place I knew I was safe. Nobody was in my environment I didn’t invite. And the hostility always came by phone or email, so I could just choose to ignore it. I can’t do that now. Yes I still mostly work on the phone and email, but I have so many more people involved if I ignore it I hear from someone else, so it’s even worse.

I deal with so many more people now, and I have to get used to that. And more people count on me. In the past if I was having a bad day I really could just blow it off because I was only hurting me. Now with people at home and work counting on me, I can’t do that very much. It’s hard to break a coping mechanism that worked pretty well, but I have no choice. Besides, being a hermit isn’t exactly a healthy coping mechanism.

So now I am trying to get meds adjusted, get cognitive behavioral therapy and treatment for a physical condition that may or may not be related to anxiety. I am making myself live the life I want to live even when it’s scary. I am seeing that just because we are apart doesn’t mean I need to be scared. Just because I have always been hurt doesn’t mean I always will be.

All of these things are rational reactions and beliefs. But the problem with anxiety is that it’s not rational. I have read of people who have their medication next to the bed so they can take them first thing. Their faith in the medication probably does more to eliminate the anxiety than the medication itself. But, hell, I’d try it if I didn’t think my dog would eat them or my cat think they were toys. Frankly I think I am on doses too low for my size, but I’m no doctor.

All I know is that I am going to find a way to end this so I can live the life God has for me. Despite all my mistakes, he’s put me in an amazing position right now. My main job is to not fuck it up.

Your thoughts?

Labels: anxiety, fear, life, medication, panic