Scared Bunny

I have to take a second and write something serious.

If you are one of the few that have read here for a while you know I have been treated for depression and anxiety. It’s been going on for years, and really I can’t say that any of my stories here in the blog have much to do with it. I wouldn’t say that the stress from them is easy when you already have an anxiety problem, but the events didn’t cause it, they just added different ways for it to impact me, and created new triggers.

But when I got married I realized I needed to do something. Doctors are always gung ho to treat depression, but they tend to let anxiety just slip through the cracks. I had a prescription, but it wasn’t really to treat anything. I was supposed to take it if I needed it. Frankly the dose was too low for my size, so it barely did anything. I rarely took it, which the doctors like because they hate you to get addicted, and they think not taking it means you are doing OK.

In other words, doctors are stupid.

But, when I finally got a job that required me to leave the house, I got more stressed. I was used to being able to just sit in my comfy confines. The only people around me were people I invited to be around me. My wife thinks she and the kids stress me out, but they really don’t. Sure kids can be aggravating at times, but that doesn’t stress me out. I only stress about being the right kind of husband and father.

So I started taking medication for the anxiety. It helped somewhat, but every day I would stress out on my way to work. I couldn’t explain why, but I would get scared on the drive. I gave the meds more time to kick in, and they didn’t seem to help, so the doc made some switches. Now I am waiting for that to help, and it seems to be.

But the thing that has helped the most came in reading I have done. Basically, I have to choose to be stressed. People think their emotions cause their thoughts, but for me I think something and then I feel the emotions. If I can keep myself from having and dwelling on negative things, I won’t be scared or unhappy. It’s that simple.

I am not saying I know the best way to do that. I am trying to get in to a therapy specifically designed for that process in treating anxiety, but it’s been tough. The first therapist I found cancelled my first session. I considered that a bad sign. Plus, when I met her, she was incredibly ugly. I don’t want a hot therapist, but I need someone I can look in the face for the4-5 months the therapy lasts. I couldn’t have looked at her that long. I swear she made me cringe, and still does when I think about it.

Anyway, the point of all of this shit is this. We have all been dealt a specific hand. Then we have to find a way to play the cards we are dealt. For me I have been relying on medication, but that’s not really enough. It’s like drawing to an inside straight. The odds are against you that it will fill that hole. I had tried therapy, but all they did was listen to me. Ultimately, even with the help of this new therapy, I have accepted that all of the emotions and fears I have are a choice.

I choose to be paranoid because I choose to think that what has happened in the past will happen again. I choose to accept the way I was brought up even though I rationally know it was insanely conservative, closed minded and tainted my thoughts on many subjects. I have to accept that on a lot of things I am not really sure about right and wrong. I also have to accept that being unsure is OK, and I can keep on going while I am.

What it gets down to is this. You have to take responsibility for your thoughts and emotions. We all agree we are responsible for what we say and do, but what leads up to that we seem to dismiss as being “just who we are”. But we choose who we are. The world around us may have conditioned us, but we don’t have to keep that training as part of our soul. That is a choice.

As soon as I realized I had a choice to be happy, things got easier. Even though I can’t really control my thoughts as well as I like, and I haven’t replaced all the negative training, knowing that I can change makes life easier. Knowing that those negative thoughts can be stopped makes life easier. Recognizing I am causing my own stress before it gets too bad makes life easier.

I always said the people that claimed “happiness was a choice” must have had sheltered lives or were total idiots. Well, I didn’t have a sheltered life, and I am telling you. Happiness is a choice. That may make me an idiot, but at least I'll be a happy idiot.

Labels: anxiety, depression, happiness, life, medicine