Scared Bunny

Why is it that people feel the need to build up the self-esteem of every guy that goes through a divorce? I am not happy that I got a divorce, but I also know I was headed for a serious meltdown if I hadn't gotten one. Hell, maybe I am still headed for one. I don't know. But trying to convince me that every waitress at dinner is flirting with me is a stretch. Especially when they are paid to look like younger, hotter Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders. They get paid to flirt. That's what those skimpy outfits are for. If flirting weren't part of the game they'd dress them in sweats.

And not every girl that does flirt with you is going to raise your self-esteem. Right now I am no prize, but there are still some women I am superficial enough to know it's not really a compliment when they think you will go out with them. Just like some women would laugh at me if I asked them out, I cringe when some women are trying to get my attention.

Maybe I am throwing out some sign that I am just available, which is weird just to see on the screen. I don't feel available. I also don't feel unavailable. What I feel is like I am in a holding pattern waiting to see what can happen and what is supposed to happen. Part of me feels like a hook-up would be a mid-air collision, and not too many people survive those.

I'm not dead. I still have feelings and urges. But what I don't feel like I have is the courage to follow up on those feelings. My strength isn't back for anything meaningful. And it's hard for me anymore to do things that have no meaning. Plus I am 8 months from the split still comparing every woman to my ex. I can't get involved to any degree and be doing that. It's just not right or fair.

I had a stretch between marriages, and before Heather, where I just didn't give a fuck. I had some good times. I had some bad times. I had some weird times. But they were times and none of them did anything like what my last 3 relationships have done. At no point during those relationships was I scared. And, truly, at no point since the start with Heather have I felt safe.

Is it all just unresolved from Heather? Is it separate issues from all 3? Is it something that traces back before Heather that she brought out that has just stayed on the surface? Whatever it is, I have to get past it and soon. It is impacting all aspects of my life and I can't have that. I'll do whatever it takes to get it right if I can just get some guidance.

I need peace and I need it now.

Labels: dating, divorce, pain, relationships, self-esteem