Scared Bunny

Lots of times I get comments to this blog that readers never see. It's not that I delete them. Except for spam and a couple of very vicious posts, I leave the comments even if they are negative. Everyone is welcome to their opinion, and if someone is going to put themselves out the way I do, with a lot of my negative experiences discussed, I have to expect negative responses.

But most of the time the poster thinks better of what they have to say and deletes it as soon as it's posted. Of course I still get an email telling me what was said. I would say I am told who said it, but they are always anonymous. Again, I don't fault people for deciding to delete what they say either. That is their right. (Although I am disabling anonymous comments because I have someone that is intentionally abusive and I think people should own up to what they say).

One comment was very negative. It basically said I will always be alone because I am "full of fail". Sadly they deleted it because I would have left that comment because, not only are people welcome to their opinion, they are right. I am full of fail. Granted most of what I write focuses on the negative things because, let's be honest, a post about how wonderful things are is boring. People may not like what I write, and that's OK. But I don't want a blog that is basically "today I ...".

I have failed in every relationship I have had. Even when the other person wronged me, as has happened, I failed by choosing the wrong person and allowing them to hurt me. I admit freely that I am probably incapable of a healthy relationship. I don't know how to do it and, to be blunt, I have not been around enough to see what they take. I am stuck living with issues beyond just what I have posted here. I have a childhood I have tried very hard to deal with, but have failed miserably. I have been in and out of therapy to try to find someone who can help me. I have been on more medications than I can remember.

When I want to work on my past, I end up with present crises which overwhelm me. When I am trying to deal with my present I am not touching on root issues that keep me from growing. I dwell on people and events that are not part of my present reality, and that drags me down to the depths of depression and fear. I never learned how to put things behind me, and I lack the control of my mind to keep unhealthy thoughts in check.

Maybe I don't know how to be happy and content.

The reality is I am full of fail. And until I learn how to get past my past I will be alone.

Labels: alone, depression, failure, life, mental health

If I am going to be bi-polar I would at very least like the happy manic episodes instead of the anxious ones. Those people may have the rock bottom lows that I am getting with all the stress I am under, but at least they balance it out with some fun now and then. I would like some of that fun dammit. I would like to just be mindlessly happy for no reason. I'd like to be so blindly happy it's annoying to those around me. I’d like to be filled with joy no matter what is going on around me.

Yesterday I felt as low as I have been in a long time. I had a lot going wrong in my life and a lot to be afraid of. Today things are a little better, but I am still scared and have good reason to be. The world wants me to function like nothing is going on, but anyone that knows me knows that isn't true. There is a lot to be afraid of and only so much I can do to stop it.

People don’t get one thing my therapist loves to say. "Your mind is not your friend." It really is true. Left to it's own devices a mind like mine will either dwell on the past, sand descend in to depression, or fly off in to an unknown future, and trigger fear and anxiety. My doctor doesn't get that what I want from him IS to be numb. He says no doctor will do that, but plenty will. I'd rather be numb than scared. I’d rather be numb than cry.

I've been numb before and it wasn't that bad. I wasn't very social, but I didn't really care. When you’re truly numb you don’t need people. It’s relatively easy to get things done because only outside forces can stop you. I can push past anything that gets in my way. But I have to be able to tell myself to do it. When you are numb you can sometimes muster the energy to do it IF it really matters. When you are scared or anxious the level of need it takes is so much higher.

People also do not understand that anxiety and depression take you to the same place. When you are extremely depressed your life seems worthless and you see no reason to go on. When you are extremely anxious you will do anything to make that feeling stop, and that can eventually mean taking the ultimate step. I used to do a little cutting not so I could feel but so I was feeling something different.

Maybe people are just too used to problems being packaged so neatly. The closest most people get in to other people’s business is what they see on TV. And in an hour Oprah can bring in a doctor and cure your daughter of bulimia. At the end of 60 minutes Montel will make sure your child no longer dresses like a tramp. And on one trip around the dial Dr. Phil will guilt you in to changing your ways. For the twisted souls there is always Jerry Springer who will make sure your problems seem like nothing compared to the freaks he’s found in some trailer park.

I’m here to tell you I have been deep down in to other people’s lives, and there is a reason Oprah distances herself from the "little people" (the middle class, not midgets). Lots of people have lots of problems. And it’s real easy for their problems to become yours. Heather’s life was a disaster, and by the time we were done so was mine. That is not the only time I have been down that road. The solutions people offer each other are almost always very superficial because they know the real work can’t be done by someone else. They also know the risks of getting involved.

If people knew how messy it really can get maybe they’d have a better understanding of someone like me. But, on the other hand, if they did perhaps they would steer clear of us altogether because we seem to bring nothing but pain.

Labels: bi-polar, depression, life, numb

One thing people ask me a lot is how I am doing. I know why they ask though. People that know me I have been kind of walking in the razors edge for years. I never really got healthy when I went through therapy, and I had decided that I could get by with just medication and self-learning. Of course that really wasn’t the case, and isn’t for lots of people.

They have seen how things like what has happened can affect me. Well, not like what’s happened because most of them weren’t around for my first divorce and that was a very different situation. But they know how susceptible I am to depression and anxiety and they get worried. I appreciate their concern more than they will ever know, but, to be honest, thinking about how I am is a problem for me.

Right now I go in and out of anxious states every day. Sometimes they get real bad and other times I am just fine. Lots of times there is a trigger for the anxiety, and the things that trigger me that can be avoided I just avoid. That would be like songs that remind me what I gave up, or even certain TV shows. Hell, I can’t even think of listening to country music without a problem.

But the biggest trigger of anxiety is thinking about what has happened and thinking about anxiety. If you take a body that is accustomed to running on the adrenaline and tension of anxiety, it’s pretty easy to get it back to that state. If my doctor hadn’t got me started on distraction techniques I swear I’d be dead by now because the building of the anxiety would never stop.

It’s kind of like the song by Blue October, “Hate Me”:

I have to block out thoughts of you so I don’t lose my head
They crawl in like a cockroach leaving babies in my bed
Dropping little reels of tape to remind me that I’m alone
Playing movies in my head that make a porno feel like home

In the opening to the song they play audio of an answering machine message from the lead singer’s mother. She is concerned about him because she knows he’s been upset and she wants to make sure he’s taking his medication. I have gotten those calls before, and sometimes the people checking on me now remind me of them. They really do serve not as a comfort, but as a trigger. They really do remind you how alone you are and how bad things really are.

But to those who wonder, no, I’m not suicidal. I am dealing with a huge loss and it hurts like hell most of the time, but I also am always focused on the fact that I can be happy and healthy if I just learn how to do it. I am working with someone who does a great job at helping me cut through the static a person with a mind like mine has, and who teaches me how the same mind can use that power to get better if you let it.

I think there is only one person I am close to who has been there for all of my bullshit over the years, and while he and I talk, and I go to him sometimes when I need to get something out, he also has not once probed as to how I am. He has been through a loss I can’t even imagine, and is just now coming out of the darkness. And he and I are so similar sometimes it’s scary. He knows that sometimes words meant to help cut deeper than things said out of cruelty. When someone insults me usually I can look at that person and realize there is no validity in their opinion. But when a person who is worthwhile says something that reminds you where you are, it really can hurt more than it can help.

So the answer to anyone who wonders is: “I’m alive.” How am I? Depends on the day, the hour or even the second. I’m not happy. I’m not satisfied with where I am in life or what all has happened. I don’t suddenly think I am OK and all is well. And at no point do I look at anything that has happened and say I am right where I want to be. But I am dealing with a situation where the best I can hope for is to be numb, and sometimes that is the best I can do. It’s something I will get through, and maybe I really will emerge on the other side a different person.

Labels: anger, anxiety, depression, hurt, life, pain, well wishers

I have to take a second and write something serious.

If you are one of the few that have read here for a while you know I have been treated for depression and anxiety. It’s been going on for years, and really I can’t say that any of my stories here in the blog have much to do with it. I wouldn’t say that the stress from them is easy when you already have an anxiety problem, but the events didn’t cause it, they just added different ways for it to impact me, and created new triggers.

But when I got married I realized I needed to do something. Doctors are always gung ho to treat depression, but they tend to let anxiety just slip through the cracks. I had a prescription, but it wasn’t really to treat anything. I was supposed to take it if I needed it. Frankly the dose was too low for my size, so it barely did anything. I rarely took it, which the doctors like because they hate you to get addicted, and they think not taking it means you are doing OK.

In other words, doctors are stupid.

But, when I finally got a job that required me to leave the house, I got more stressed. I was used to being able to just sit in my comfy confines. The only people around me were people I invited to be around me. My wife thinks she and the kids stress me out, but they really don’t. Sure kids can be aggravating at times, but that doesn’t stress me out. I only stress about being the right kind of husband and father.

So I started taking medication for the anxiety. It helped somewhat, but every day I would stress out on my way to work. I couldn’t explain why, but I would get scared on the drive. I gave the meds more time to kick in, and they didn’t seem to help, so the doc made some switches. Now I am waiting for that to help, and it seems to be.

But the thing that has helped the most came in reading I have done. Basically, I have to choose to be stressed. People think their emotions cause their thoughts, but for me I think something and then I feel the emotions. If I can keep myself from having and dwelling on negative things, I won’t be scared or unhappy. It’s that simple.

I am not saying I know the best way to do that. I am trying to get in to a therapy specifically designed for that process in treating anxiety, but it’s been tough. The first therapist I found cancelled my first session. I considered that a bad sign. Plus, when I met her, she was incredibly ugly. I don’t want a hot therapist, but I need someone I can look in the face for the4-5 months the therapy lasts. I couldn’t have looked at her that long. I swear she made me cringe, and still does when I think about it.

Anyway, the point of all of this shit is this. We have all been dealt a specific hand. Then we have to find a way to play the cards we are dealt. For me I have been relying on medication, but that’s not really enough. It’s like drawing to an inside straight. The odds are against you that it will fill that hole. I had tried therapy, but all they did was listen to me. Ultimately, even with the help of this new therapy, I have accepted that all of the emotions and fears I have are a choice.

I choose to be paranoid because I choose to think that what has happened in the past will happen again. I choose to accept the way I was brought up even though I rationally know it was insanely conservative, closed minded and tainted my thoughts on many subjects. I have to accept that on a lot of things I am not really sure about right and wrong. I also have to accept that being unsure is OK, and I can keep on going while I am.

What it gets down to is this. You have to take responsibility for your thoughts and emotions. We all agree we are responsible for what we say and do, but what leads up to that we seem to dismiss as being “just who we are”. But we choose who we are. The world around us may have conditioned us, but we don’t have to keep that training as part of our soul. That is a choice.

As soon as I realized I had a choice to be happy, things got easier. Even though I can’t really control my thoughts as well as I like, and I haven’t replaced all the negative training, knowing that I can change makes life easier. Knowing that those negative thoughts can be stopped makes life easier. Recognizing I am causing my own stress before it gets too bad makes life easier.

I always said the people that claimed “happiness was a choice” must have had sheltered lives or were total idiots. Well, I didn’t have a sheltered life, and I am telling you. Happiness is a choice. That may make me an idiot, but at least I'll be a happy idiot.

Labels: anxiety, depression, happiness, life, medicine