Scared Bunny

I guess I need to write more often. If I don't people think something is wrong. While I appreciate their concern, that’s usually not the case. Of course some people just seem to like what I write for some unknown reason.

So, to have something to write about I had a great idea. There are these commercials out now about how people are being rejected by eHarmony. If you have read everything in this blog you need to get a life. Just kidding, you know that I think eHarmony must be some kind of cult based on what those people keep saying on the commercials. I also think they give them Ecstasy before filming. But seriously, get a life if you really read all this shit.

Anyway, my plan was this. I was going to fill out their test and then, when they rejected me, I was going to trash them and discuss how crazy I am. But the bastards didn't say no. I have to say to those who were rejected, you must be really fucked up. How the hell did you answer those questions? If you or anyone you know was rejected, read this blog. Read what I have done and been through. It seems to me I am about the least safe bet in a relationship you could find. But, apparently, there are millions of you even more fucked up than I am! Seriously, read this whole damn blog. I'll even refrain from making fun of you for doing it just this once. At least to your face.

So then I have this account with eHarmony. And they're on TV all the time saying that, for free, they'll let me see my matches. That got me thinking because I have a theory. The only semi-good looking couples they’ve had are on those commercials. I'm really being generous there. But when they say you get to check out your matches, they just mean their profiles. Want to see a pic? Got $59? Didn't think so. So my plan to make fun of who they'd match someone like me with is totally shot because, let's be honest, everyone lies in their profiles. What we all want to know is if the person is hot.

Then I started getting requests from women wanting to communicate with me. I thought, OK, maybe if they initiate it you can reply and see a pic. Not only do you not get a pic, you can't reply. See, that’s how they afford all those fucking commercials. They figure after you spend all that time filling out the test you'll pay just to justify the time you just wasted. Frankly, I can think of better ways to spend $60. So now there are all these women who think I am ignoring them. Then again, they paid for this shit, so they may very well be nuts and or desperate. In short, perfect for me.

But, no, I am not giving them $60.

So what am I doing for companionship? Nothing. Not a damn thing.

I am really not ready for a relationship. In fact, the idea truly scares me still. Even as my anxiety overall is better, certain things still trigger quick attacks. And almost all of those things have to do with relationships and marriage. And since I am not exactly good at dating around... You'd think I’d be good at it by now, but I don't even have much experience. Every time I tried I freaked out. I think I may be too blunt for dating. Maybe blunt isn't the word. It's open. I am far too eager to share. People don’t really want that. And I am too willing to give. Secretly that isn't what people want either.

The scary part for me is that I'd almost need those “We knew the first time we met” sparks you see in their commercials. Of course I had that once…

Labels: dating, eHarmony, life

Why is it that people feel the need to build up the self-esteem of every guy that goes through a divorce? I am not happy that I got a divorce, but I also know I was headed for a serious meltdown if I hadn't gotten one. Hell, maybe I am still headed for one. I don't know. But trying to convince me that every waitress at dinner is flirting with me is a stretch. Especially when they are paid to look like younger, hotter Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders. They get paid to flirt. That's what those skimpy outfits are for. If flirting weren't part of the game they'd dress them in sweats.

And not every girl that does flirt with you is going to raise your self-esteem. Right now I am no prize, but there are still some women I am superficial enough to know it's not really a compliment when they think you will go out with them. Just like some women would laugh at me if I asked them out, I cringe when some women are trying to get my attention.

Maybe I am throwing out some sign that I am just available, which is weird just to see on the screen. I don't feel available. I also don't feel unavailable. What I feel is like I am in a holding pattern waiting to see what can happen and what is supposed to happen. Part of me feels like a hook-up would be a mid-air collision, and not too many people survive those.

I'm not dead. I still have feelings and urges. But what I don't feel like I have is the courage to follow up on those feelings. My strength isn't back for anything meaningful. And it's hard for me anymore to do things that have no meaning. Plus I am 8 months from the split still comparing every woman to my ex. I can't get involved to any degree and be doing that. It's just not right or fair.

I had a stretch between marriages, and before Heather, where I just didn't give a fuck. I had some good times. I had some bad times. I had some weird times. But they were times and none of them did anything like what my last 3 relationships have done. At no point during those relationships was I scared. And, truly, at no point since the start with Heather have I felt safe.

Is it all just unresolved from Heather? Is it separate issues from all 3? Is it something that traces back before Heather that she brought out that has just stayed on the surface? Whatever it is, I have to get past it and soon. It is impacting all aspects of my life and I can't have that. I'll do whatever it takes to get it right if I can just get some guidance.

I need peace and I need it now.

Labels: dating, divorce, pain, relationships, self-esteem

My therapist has a phrase she likes to use. She says I am “invested” in being miserable.

Now, understand she doesn’t say this to be mean. She known my childhood and understands I was raised to believe that stress, anxiety and fear were the norm. She also knows I had more than my share of reasons to be depressed, so until I decide to make the change in what I want my life to be like I will always be anxious and depressed.

There is something I have never admitted here. Despite the fact that I have a rule to never date exes, I have and if I wasn’t working real hard to avoid it I probably would again. I know I say that when it’s broken you usually can’t fix it, but I have tried in the past. It never worked. In fact, it usually fell apart faster. But I have trouble meeting people. I am a shy person usually, especially with women. I have so little game a female friend of a friend said my no game was my game.

But what I have been told to do is stop selling myself short. Funny thing is, many of the same things I am being told to do are things the women I was with said in reference to themselves. I have got to stop selling myself short. I have to accept that I am a pretty decent catch. I have a calm and soothing way about me while at the same time a biting satire that can double you over.

My therapist wants me to date. She wants me to try to meet attractive women, with brains and careers. She suggests starting online but that scares me. Other friends say bookstores, grocery stores and museums. Whatever it is it’s time to stop looking at the past and look forward.

So this blog may undergo a very drastic change.

Labels: dating, emotions, life, psychology

I was reading one of those: How does your birth order impact your personality in relationships pieces, and now I'm confused.

First, understand my dilemma. I was a first born. BUT, there were multiple miscarriages before me. Then my mother remarried and I was a middle child. Then my siblings were kidnapped and I was an only child again. But they were found, so I was back in the middle. Then the younger one was kidnapped again, and I was the youngest.

So where, exactly, do I fit?

My therapist says most of what makes your personality is formed by age 5, so we can eliminate everything starting with the remarriage. But was I a first born, middle child, youngest or only child. Surely the miscarriages affected how I was raised. But does that mean I was pushed more toward an only or a first born. Was a coddled like a last born? I am confused.

Even worse, I meet the criteria for a First, part of a second and most of only. The charm thing for a third is something I have been told, but I feel I have lost that over the last couple of years. In fact, a friend of mine pointed out when we went to watch a fight that I have no charm at all when it comes to women. Frankly I didn't give a shit since I wasn't looking to meet anyone. Maybe they are all just expecting men to push and try too hard and I'm not going to do it.

It's very strange for me because I am not at all interested in dating or a relationship. Everywhere you go, when you meet someone of the opposite sex you are expected to try to impress them. What they get from me is the same thing a casual guy friend would get. I make smart ass remarks and if you make an ass of yourself I laugh at you and make fun of you for the rest of the night over it. In short, I treat everyone like a guy. And, even worse, I am not interested in making these people friends usually because I know I'll never see them again. Why would I? I don't live in a bar, grocery store, restaurant…

I am not looking for a girlfriend, a hook-up, a friend with benefits or anything. That part of me right now is TOTALLY dead. I know the faithful readers, or those who read the real old archives will have a hard time believing this, but I have almost no interest in sex. And I think that if I did develop an interest nothing would come of it. It would be lame to end up in bed with me right now. I'd never make a move on you and spend an hour or more tossing while I tried to fall asleep.

This is a person I don't understand or really like. Neither of those is a change, but the person is a change. I'm told I am making progress, but maybe I just put myself out there less. I don't even really know anymore. I do know that I am not the same person, and whatever defines who we are has me in a spot where I can be multiple people and not like any of them.

I think it's time to take off my shoes and rest my feet. Maybe that will relax me.

Labels: birth order, dating, life, relationships

I love the way people are trying to get me to start dating again.

Don't get me wrong. I still appreciate a hot woman. And I am still a hornball just like the next guy. But I am not interested in dating. I have found that if I stop for even a minute, and don't keep myself occupied, my anxiety jumps and then I'm a mess. I even enjoy making cold calls at work because it fights off the anxiety. But the causes of my anxiety would be right in front of me if I were dating. The anxiety isn't about Tricia. It's about me. She didn't personally cause them. The fact that I was dating and then married caused them.

But people, including my shrink, keep asking me if I've tried this, that or the other thing. Let me ask you this; can you see me being a church guy? I have a blog full of the word fuck and comments about anal sex. While lots of church guys are like that in private, I am just like that period. And bars? You think I would ever trust a woman I picked up in a bar? I would assume any time she went to a bar without me she was trying to get picked up. After all, I did it.

But the best suggestion was online. With one exception (Heather, or She Who Shall Not Be Named) every single story in this blog involves an online hookup to at least some degree. So we kind of have a track record there. We have the women who were married and told me they weren't. We have the women who were married but said they were separated. We have hard core no lube anal girl. We have a woman who I broke up with who, despite pledging she wanted to marry me was claiming to be in love with another guy less than a week later. And… Well, you get the idea.

Unless my new psychiatrist comes up with a med that blocks the physical symptoms of anxiety, there is no way I can date unless it's one off and I never think about them again. I don't do that very well though. If I like them I get attached. Then the anxiety hits because I don't feel worthy. It hits because I don't trust. It hits because I am expecting to get hurt again.

People don't understand that. It's not always my thoughts that are triggering this bullshit. I am pretty nervous physically sometimes even when I am not thinking about anything negative. Even when it's thought triggered it may not be a negative thought. Sometimes I need to be doing something, but at the same time can't get myself motivated to do it because I am so anxious I just feel like walking around almost in circles.

I'm seriously worried about myself, and I am not sure people see that. I can't show it at work because I could lose my job. At home nobody is there. I sure as hell can't call friends and say “Guess what. I'm turning circles in the living room!” It's bad enough my dog does that when he takes a dump.

I am isolated because I have to be with someone that makes me feel safe just to not feel insane. People don't understand that and how do you tell someone “Sorry. I don't feel safe with you emotionally.” That is a pretty harsh thing to say, to be honest. But with all but a handful of people, it is the absolute truth.

It's not always that they scare me either. It is that I need to draw on their strength to feel safe. My son calms me some because he won't hurt me. But he can only do so much to comfort and protect me emotionally. My mother… well, she is the root of much of my neurosis, so the fact she may be better now doesn't change that. My Dad is sometimes the only one I feel safe around within the family.

It's all so complicated and confusing. It's bad enough I have even wondered about ECT to see if it will slow my thoughts. My quick wits have always been a source of pride, but my conscious cannot keep up and keeping bad ideas under control is impossible. The mind may only be able to think one thing at a time, but what it thinks can be hard to control. My therapist has tricks that help when I'm there, but they don't seem up to the task in the real world.

One of these days I have to get better. Because I can't live the rest of my life like this.

Labels: anxiety, dating, life, medication, relationships

OK, I have to preface this one again. This is not targeted at anything anyone has said, or anything that has happened. In fact, this wasn’t “caused” by anyone or anything other than my mind.

As you know if you read this, I have an issue with hearing about sex from someone I am involved with. While other people have no problem with it, it does bug me. And I know it’s hard for the people around me. I also know that anyone who reads my blog gets a lot of stories about my past, so they feel like I am being a hypocrite. But I have to say one thing in defense of that. I have never, and will never, write a post like that when I am involved with someone. To me it just seems disrespectful. I have even considered deleting the posts that are out there but haven’t because it would feel like I was trying to hide my past, even though I admit I am ashamed of most of it.

But the reason it bugs me I have always pegged on insecurity. To a certain degree that is true. It does feel like if someone I am with is talking about sex with someone else they must be thinking about it. And in my mind that means they want that person more than me. I am not saying that’s a fair assessment, but it is how my mind works for now, and until I get through an awful lot of therapy.

But it occurred to me there is another big reason it bugs me, and I feel like a chick for thinking like this. It bugs me because it makes it feel like the sex we have in our relationship is not special. If sex is just another thing you do, and just something you talk in detail about with everyone, then it’s not special. It makes it feel like it’s no different than shopping or washing the car. It’s just another topic of discussion. And with my insecurity I need it to be important. If the sex isn’t important, then I’m not important.

I took one of those quick and dirty personality type tests yesterday, and it hit the nail on the head when it comes to relationships. I am basically a needy bastard who has to be protected and has to be made to feel special and important. If I don’t feel that I am going to freak out. It also said that sex for a person like me is not about the sex. In fact, it’s not so much a physical act as an emotional act. In a relationship it will be a main way that we express love. So if you cheapen the act in any way, or make it seem unimportant, then it makes it very hard to feel loved.

And outside of a relationship it has been a way I was able to feel special when I really didn’t feel that special normally. When I look back at my whole romantic life I can see how that has been true. I can also see how it makes being with me very difficult. If I need someone who is very open to sharing their feelings (which I do so they can feed my need to feel loved) they are likely going to be open in other ways as well. That means hearing things that will then, in my twisted mind, cheapen that love.

I can look at what I have been through in relationships and see that the type of person I need in one area contradicts what I need in another. As a result nobody can keep me happy while still being true to themselves.

There’s a lot more I really realized about myself when I read the test results, but one really stuck out: “Will stay in the wrong relationship for a long time rather than face the conflict of ending it”. Well, damn, if that’s not me to a T (remember Heather) then I don’t know what is.

Labels: dating, insecurity, life, personality+tests, relationships, sex

OK, I don’t want to write about me right now. I am using a personal journal for that. One only my therapist sees.

What I do want to write about is how other people are a problem in relationships. No, this isn’t a backhanded way to discuss Tricia and I. This is about a friend I have mentioned before that has a situation I guarantee will cause a problem for her.

Here are the brief details. She met a guy and they “fell in love”. They were “together” for 3 months, but almost none of that time was spent in the same state. See, he is a military guy and was first stationed elsewhere, then shipped to Iraq. And, no this isn’t about military guys or long distance relationships or even Iraq.

This is about his mom.

His mom loves this girl. She loves the idea of her son being with this girl. She is convinced they are meant for each other and that they will always be together. In short, she is on crack.

See, shortly after they split physically, there was a misunderstanding. The girl spent an evening watching a movie with a guy friend. Now, I am not going to get in to the guy friend thing here, but I will say what he did next was stupid as hell. She has a MySpace and he left a comment saying “Thanks for coming over. Hope I didn’t keep you up too late last night.” Now, imagine what the boyfriend, on his way to Iraq, thought when he saw that comment. He flipped! He assumed the worst and, to be honest, I would have too. If as soon as we are apart my girlfriend is at another guy’s house, I am thinking something bad.

Well, they broke up. More accurately, he dumped her. She explained to him the situation, and he said he believed her. But they did not kiss and make up. They remained apart. To this day he will not answer her emails, chat with her and he has her blocked on MySpace and his chat program.

But the girl has become friends with the mother. And she is still convinced that they belong together and will be together. She has told the girl to date, so she doesn’t get bored, but by date she kind of means going out more or less as friends. And she wants the girl to be available when her son “makes up his mind”, because, of course, he will decide they will be together.

Now, the mother wants the girl to bring her kids to visit this summer, and to go to Disneyland and… you get the idea. Now, consider this. The girl has decided to move on. She realizes they are not meant to be together and has no intention of waiting for him to “make up his mind”. When he ignored the 50th email and blocked her completely, he showed his mind is made up. So how does the friendship with the mom affect her?

Well, first, let me say that a “friend” is someone with very few off limit topics. If you can’t discuss who you are seeing with someone, they aren’t a friend. And a friend isn’t going to try to get you to wait for a man who has shown he doesn’t want you. A friend doesn’t act based on their beliefs or dreams for you, but based on what will make you happy.

Imagine being the next guy this girl is with. Would you be real comfortable with your girlfriend talking for hours on end with the mom of an ex who is convinced the two of you are going to get back together? Would you want your girlfriend spending all that time at the home of an ex’s mother? Heck, doesn’t involving the kids send messages that there is a chance for them?

See, I look at this whole situation and see it is going to cause problems. The mother, no matter what she says, is not going to abandon her beliefs and what she has been actively trying to accomplish. And her actions, to me, are clearly designed to keep treating this girl as her daughter-in-law. Notice, the invitation didn’t even consider the possibility that 2 months from now she will be seeing someone. To the mother that’s not possible because this girl is destined to be with her son. She is trying to find ways to keep the girl available for her son when he returns.

I guess I just can’t see how this “friendship” is anything remotely resembling a friendship. I look at the mom’s actions and see motive clear as day. I also have some experience with moms, and I have to say they almost always act based on what they want for their kids, and get tunnel vision if they have a strong belief like that.

I hope for this girl’s sake I am wrong, but I don’t see how she can move on with mom hanging around the way she is.

Labels: advice, dating, exes, life, mothers, relationships

OK, I have to start by saying that nobody should assume anything I write is directed at, or inspired by, my wife and our split. I am not going to ever write about her or us for amusement purposes. She and I cannot be together because of me, and that is very sad. But she is still a very special woman and I love her. I always will.

Also, understand I am not saying I am an expert on life and relationships. More often than not you would do better by doing the opposite of what I do. But I also am the first one to tell you that the majority of mistakes I have made were avoidable, and I also have a nasty habit of not doing what I say someone should do. In almost every instance where I had a relationship worthy of Scared Bunny I broke one or more of the rules set out in the 300+ pages of bullshit I’ve written here. Granted some of the rules were set as a direct result of the experiences I have had, but in a lot of cases I made an exception and paid the price for it.

The biggest thing I can say is that most of the time when I did something where things went crazy I had alarm bells going off all the time. When I dated Heather, the one in the very first story and the one who you all need to read about to understand why this blog exists, I knew I was in trouble. When you are in love it’s common to lose your appetite. Well, with her I not only had no appetite, I usually puked after every meal. I am serious. I was like one of those girls on the after school specials except I didn’t make myself puke on purpose. I was just always so scared that my stomach couldn’t take it. I went from 230 pounds to 185. My ex-wife (the first one) saw me and noted I had lost weight. Then she said “Is it a good weight loss?” Even she saw what a toll Heather was taking on me.

Most people tell you to listen to your heart. I will tell you to listen to your stomach. There is a feeling you get in the pit of your stomach when something isn’t right. I am not saying you will puke. I don’t puke much, and sometimes it’s not the relationship but other things health wise. But it’s not about puking. It’s about trusting that little voice in your head, or in your stomach, that is telling you you have a problem. Your heart can mislead you because you can be in love with the wrong person. But you are still in love with them. But there is usually a part of you that knows the match is not a good one.

I know you are now thinking I am a hypocrite, and I am. I think most of us will say you shouldn’t do things we have done. Hell, if you’re a parent you probably tell your kids every day not to do things you have done or still do. But that’s also because either you are wanting better for them, or because what’s OK for an adult is not OK for a kid. In a way that is what I do sometimes here. I am not going to tell you I will always 100% follow my own advice. Every now and then you do have to gamble. But I will say that I take those chances knowing full well that history says not to. And I will usually admit that I am breaking a rule, even if it’s a big one, if I write about it.

Pretty much, I see relationships the same as I see gambling. You go in to it deciding if the risk is worth the reward. Now, when it comes to the lottery, I almost never play unless the cash payout after taxes is about the same as the odds of winning. Every now and then though I get a wild hair up my ass and play when it’s not though. That’s how relationships are. You can go on just taking a chance when it really seems worth the risk up front, but every now and then most people say “What the hell” and take a chance on one that may not seem worth it on the surface. Unfortunately, just like with the lottery, more often than not I don’t win and “buying the ticket” didn’t pay off. But at least you had the fun of playing and dreaming those “what if” dreams. Now, in my case, it’s more like a pull on a $100 slot where it comes up all lemons, but that’s just me.

Anyway, right now I will tell you that any stories I write will either be about things way in the past or other people I know. I am not even thinking about getting involved with anyone. I am not only still heartbroken, I wouldn’t wish me on anyone right now. They can give me pills so I don’t always feel sad and scared, but I know that deep down I have some wounds that never healed. Until I have some closure on those, and probably some scar tissue forms to toughen me up, I shouldn’t be involved. I also am not really interested in even casual dating because I am scared I will get attached or she will, and then someone gets hurt. I have hurt enough people already.

Instead, I’ll be taking that energy and spend it on trying to figure out why I am like this and how to change. My time will be about work, my son and maybe a little poker. I do hope, though, that they figure out something to do about my hands being a little shaky because it freaks people out and makes playing cards a bitch.

Labels: advice, dating, hypocricy, life, puking, relationships