Scared Bunny

Fridays suck.

I know you all read that and said, “What the fuck!” but they really do suck.

The thing is work on Friday goes on forever. It seems like everything is moving in slow motion. I feel like it’s been a full workday and its only 2PM. I just got up to stretch my legs and they felt like I had been sitting for hours, even though it had been maybe an hour.

And people are different on Friday. Nobody wants to get anything done, so if you need someone to do something forget about it. Everyone here was fucking rowdy as hell this morning. I got reprimanded and complained about for a fraction of what was going on. Granted they don’t have to deal with “Use your inside voice” lady, but still…

And I’m still pissed about that. I’m not your fucking toddler lady. I do not have an “inside” voice. You can ask me to speak more quietly, but I just have the one voice which I use in a variety of volumes depending on the situation. Sometimes it will actually be a little loud. At the time it was slightly above normal. Maybe she was nursing a hangover or something, but the rest of us weren’t exactly impressed.

I don’t think it’s a coincidence that “It Was a Good Day” comes in at exactly four minutes, twenty seconds.

Getting anything done on a Friday is impossible. And if the weather is good, you are royally screwed. Then everyone who has any time off saved up will be out, and people with no accountability will follow them. Here all the managers are gone so the whole floor is like an empty maze of cubicles waiting for a giant hamster to come through. Giant hamsters would be fucking scary. I used to have hamsters. They bite hard and they can be mean little fuckers. One bit my brother’s finger and held on as my brother tried to get his finger out of the cage. He took a serious beating before he finally let go. Gerbils are nicer.

Someone gave me fake flowers at work with a card saying :

CONGRATULATIONS

You are the new recipient of the award recognizing you are the

VERY BEST

______________________________________
Insert accomplishment here

AGAIN

CONGRATULATIONS

Nobody knows or will admit to giving it to me, and nobody seems to know why I got it. I almost feel like I’m supposed to pass it on to someone else without them knowing who sent it. Maybe it was part of making me feel part of the team. It could also be part of making me feel insane and paranoid. That makes a lot of sense too. Just because I’m paranoid does not mean they are not out to get me.

Well, I am out of random topics for the day, so this is all you get. No sex. Get over it.

Labels: 4:20, awards, confusion, Friday, Ice Cube, life, work

One reason I am having trouble writing right now is something that is hard to explain. I feel like everything on my life, with the exception of work, is on hold.

If you read this crap regularly, you know I am in therapy. Without bogging down with details of my childhood and my psychological profile, my therapist believes that certain core beliefs that are established at a very young age were seriously warped by what was going on around me at the time. I have to say it makes a lot of sense. It would explain why I am so prone to anxiety, why I view the world as a hostile place, why I have played the victim so many times and even why I am so contradictory when it comes to sexual behavior.

The problem is that now I have to learn a lot of things that most of you probably don’t even consider things that are learned. I have to admit I usually don’t even respect therapists, but this is one that does have my respect and trust. Right now she has just had to teach me how not to be anxious all the time, which is a struggle at times. Even that sentence triggered some anxiety. Then she can work on helping me develop the beliefs I need for healthy relationships and a more normal life.

I feel like I can’t do so many things until that is completed though. I am apprehensive about relationships of all sorts. I don’t want to make any major decisions while I am still in the learning process because learning the types of things established at 3 or 4 has me feeling like an emotional child. I just don’t trust my own judgment, which probably is a good thing given some of the decisions I have made.

Plus there is the fact Tricia and I exist in some sort of limbo. We are not together, yet not apart. I have not yet filed for the divorce because we do both have feelings for each other and it just doesn’t feel right to file. I am not going to tie her down though. I love her enough to let her go if that is what she wants or needs. At the same time, if she is not ready for the divorce yet I am certainly not going to file.

It’s as if I am single and married at the same time, and it just feels weird. With my first divorce I never felt “married” during the process. I realized I was a single person regardless of my legal status. We were not going to be getting back together, and I didn’t want us to get back together. I was not in a good place emotionally, but I was confident of where I stood and where we stood. This situation is very different. This time what is happening and has happened is not what either of us wants.

I even feel in limbo when it comes to where I live. If I am going to be single, I need to live in a smaller place, closer to work. But if I am married I will want to stay where the house is big, the schools are good and will just deal with the drive.

I am not going to force a decision though. I need to do what is right for Trica, the kids and I. And if that means I am in a state of limbo for a while while I learn, so be it. In the mean time I just have to sit by and learn how to accept uncertainty. I guess it’s a learning experience.

But it sucks that learning experiences have to be so hard.

Labels: confusion, life, limbo, uncertainty relationships