Scared Bunny

If I am going to be bi-polar I would at very least like the happy manic episodes instead of the anxious ones. Those people may have the rock bottom lows that I am getting with all the stress I am under, but at least they balance it out with some fun now and then. I would like some of that fun dammit. I would like to just be mindlessly happy for no reason. I'd like to be so blindly happy it's annoying to those around me. I’d like to be filled with joy no matter what is going on around me.

Yesterday I felt as low as I have been in a long time. I had a lot going wrong in my life and a lot to be afraid of. Today things are a little better, but I am still scared and have good reason to be. The world wants me to function like nothing is going on, but anyone that knows me knows that isn't true. There is a lot to be afraid of and only so much I can do to stop it.

People don’t get one thing my therapist loves to say. "Your mind is not your friend." It really is true. Left to it's own devices a mind like mine will either dwell on the past, sand descend in to depression, or fly off in to an unknown future, and trigger fear and anxiety. My doctor doesn't get that what I want from him IS to be numb. He says no doctor will do that, but plenty will. I'd rather be numb than scared. I’d rather be numb than cry.

I've been numb before and it wasn't that bad. I wasn't very social, but I didn't really care. When you’re truly numb you don’t need people. It’s relatively easy to get things done because only outside forces can stop you. I can push past anything that gets in my way. But I have to be able to tell myself to do it. When you are numb you can sometimes muster the energy to do it IF it really matters. When you are scared or anxious the level of need it takes is so much higher.

People also do not understand that anxiety and depression take you to the same place. When you are extremely depressed your life seems worthless and you see no reason to go on. When you are extremely anxious you will do anything to make that feeling stop, and that can eventually mean taking the ultimate step. I used to do a little cutting not so I could feel but so I was feeling something different.

Maybe people are just too used to problems being packaged so neatly. The closest most people get in to other people’s business is what they see on TV. And in an hour Oprah can bring in a doctor and cure your daughter of bulimia. At the end of 60 minutes Montel will make sure your child no longer dresses like a tramp. And on one trip around the dial Dr. Phil will guilt you in to changing your ways. For the twisted souls there is always Jerry Springer who will make sure your problems seem like nothing compared to the freaks he’s found in some trailer park.

I’m here to tell you I have been deep down in to other people’s lives, and there is a reason Oprah distances herself from the "little people" (the middle class, not midgets). Lots of people have lots of problems. And it’s real easy for their problems to become yours. Heather’s life was a disaster, and by the time we were done so was mine. That is not the only time I have been down that road. The solutions people offer each other are almost always very superficial because they know the real work can’t be done by someone else. They also know the risks of getting involved.

If people knew how messy it really can get maybe they’d have a better understanding of someone like me. But, on the other hand, if they did perhaps they would steer clear of us altogether because we seem to bring nothing but pain.

Labels: bi-polar, depression, life, numb