Scared Bunny

OK, I don’t want to write about me right now. I am using a personal journal for that. One only my therapist sees.

What I do want to write about is how other people are a problem in relationships. No, this isn’t a backhanded way to discuss Tricia and I. This is about a friend I have mentioned before that has a situation I guarantee will cause a problem for her.

Here are the brief details. She met a guy and they “fell in love”. They were “together” for 3 months, but almost none of that time was spent in the same state. See, he is a military guy and was first stationed elsewhere, then shipped to Iraq. And, no this isn’t about military guys or long distance relationships or even Iraq.

This is about his mom.

His mom loves this girl. She loves the idea of her son being with this girl. She is convinced they are meant for each other and that they will always be together. In short, she is on crack.

See, shortly after they split physically, there was a misunderstanding. The girl spent an evening watching a movie with a guy friend. Now, I am not going to get in to the guy friend thing here, but I will say what he did next was stupid as hell. She has a MySpace and he left a comment saying “Thanks for coming over. Hope I didn’t keep you up too late last night.” Now, imagine what the boyfriend, on his way to Iraq, thought when he saw that comment. He flipped! He assumed the worst and, to be honest, I would have too. If as soon as we are apart my girlfriend is at another guy’s house, I am thinking something bad.

Well, they broke up. More accurately, he dumped her. She explained to him the situation, and he said he believed her. But they did not kiss and make up. They remained apart. To this day he will not answer her emails, chat with her and he has her blocked on MySpace and his chat program.

But the girl has become friends with the mother. And she is still convinced that they belong together and will be together. She has told the girl to date, so she doesn’t get bored, but by date she kind of means going out more or less as friends. And she wants the girl to be available when her son “makes up his mind”, because, of course, he will decide they will be together.

Now, the mother wants the girl to bring her kids to visit this summer, and to go to Disneyland and… you get the idea. Now, consider this. The girl has decided to move on. She realizes they are not meant to be together and has no intention of waiting for him to “make up his mind”. When he ignored the 50th email and blocked her completely, he showed his mind is made up. So how does the friendship with the mom affect her?

Well, first, let me say that a “friend” is someone with very few off limit topics. If you can’t discuss who you are seeing with someone, they aren’t a friend. And a friend isn’t going to try to get you to wait for a man who has shown he doesn’t want you. A friend doesn’t act based on their beliefs or dreams for you, but based on what will make you happy.

Imagine being the next guy this girl is with. Would you be real comfortable with your girlfriend talking for hours on end with the mom of an ex who is convinced the two of you are going to get back together? Would you want your girlfriend spending all that time at the home of an ex’s mother? Heck, doesn’t involving the kids send messages that there is a chance for them?

See, I look at this whole situation and see it is going to cause problems. The mother, no matter what she says, is not going to abandon her beliefs and what she has been actively trying to accomplish. And her actions, to me, are clearly designed to keep treating this girl as her daughter-in-law. Notice, the invitation didn’t even consider the possibility that 2 months from now she will be seeing someone. To the mother that’s not possible because this girl is destined to be with her son. She is trying to find ways to keep the girl available for her son when he returns.

I guess I just can’t see how this “friendship” is anything remotely resembling a friendship. I look at the mom’s actions and see motive clear as day. I also have some experience with moms, and I have to say they almost always act based on what they want for their kids, and get tunnel vision if they have a strong belief like that.

I hope for this girl’s sake I am wrong, but I don’t see how she can move on with mom hanging around the way she is.

Labels: advice, dating, exes, life, mothers, relationships

OK, I have to start by saying that nobody should assume anything I write is directed at, or inspired by, my wife and our split. I am not going to ever write about her or us for amusement purposes. She and I cannot be together because of me, and that is very sad. But she is still a very special woman and I love her. I always will.

Also, understand I am not saying I am an expert on life and relationships. More often than not you would do better by doing the opposite of what I do. But I also am the first one to tell you that the majority of mistakes I have made were avoidable, and I also have a nasty habit of not doing what I say someone should do. In almost every instance where I had a relationship worthy of Scared Bunny I broke one or more of the rules set out in the 300+ pages of bullshit I’ve written here. Granted some of the rules were set as a direct result of the experiences I have had, but in a lot of cases I made an exception and paid the price for it.

The biggest thing I can say is that most of the time when I did something where things went crazy I had alarm bells going off all the time. When I dated Heather, the one in the very first story and the one who you all need to read about to understand why this blog exists, I knew I was in trouble. When you are in love it’s common to lose your appetite. Well, with her I not only had no appetite, I usually puked after every meal. I am serious. I was like one of those girls on the after school specials except I didn’t make myself puke on purpose. I was just always so scared that my stomach couldn’t take it. I went from 230 pounds to 185. My ex-wife (the first one) saw me and noted I had lost weight. Then she said “Is it a good weight loss?” Even she saw what a toll Heather was taking on me.

Most people tell you to listen to your heart. I will tell you to listen to your stomach. There is a feeling you get in the pit of your stomach when something isn’t right. I am not saying you will puke. I don’t puke much, and sometimes it’s not the relationship but other things health wise. But it’s not about puking. It’s about trusting that little voice in your head, or in your stomach, that is telling you you have a problem. Your heart can mislead you because you can be in love with the wrong person. But you are still in love with them. But there is usually a part of you that knows the match is not a good one.

I know you are now thinking I am a hypocrite, and I am. I think most of us will say you shouldn’t do things we have done. Hell, if you’re a parent you probably tell your kids every day not to do things you have done or still do. But that’s also because either you are wanting better for them, or because what’s OK for an adult is not OK for a kid. In a way that is what I do sometimes here. I am not going to tell you I will always 100% follow my own advice. Every now and then you do have to gamble. But I will say that I take those chances knowing full well that history says not to. And I will usually admit that I am breaking a rule, even if it’s a big one, if I write about it.

Pretty much, I see relationships the same as I see gambling. You go in to it deciding if the risk is worth the reward. Now, when it comes to the lottery, I almost never play unless the cash payout after taxes is about the same as the odds of winning. Every now and then though I get a wild hair up my ass and play when it’s not though. That’s how relationships are. You can go on just taking a chance when it really seems worth the risk up front, but every now and then most people say “What the hell” and take a chance on one that may not seem worth it on the surface. Unfortunately, just like with the lottery, more often than not I don’t win and “buying the ticket” didn’t pay off. But at least you had the fun of playing and dreaming those “what if” dreams. Now, in my case, it’s more like a pull on a $100 slot where it comes up all lemons, but that’s just me.

Anyway, right now I will tell you that any stories I write will either be about things way in the past or other people I know. I am not even thinking about getting involved with anyone. I am not only still heartbroken, I wouldn’t wish me on anyone right now. They can give me pills so I don’t always feel sad and scared, but I know that deep down I have some wounds that never healed. Until I have some closure on those, and probably some scar tissue forms to toughen me up, I shouldn’t be involved. I also am not really interested in even casual dating because I am scared I will get attached or she will, and then someone gets hurt. I have hurt enough people already.

Instead, I’ll be taking that energy and spend it on trying to figure out why I am like this and how to change. My time will be about work, my son and maybe a little poker. I do hope, though, that they figure out something to do about my hands being a little shaky because it freaks people out and makes playing cards a bitch.

Labels: advice, dating, hypocricy, life, puking, relationships