Scared Bunny

People have been wondering why I am posting commercial stuff and not personal stuff. The reason is the commercial things kind of keep me occupied and I need to say something, even if it’s just for money. But the personal stuff, I just don’t feel comfortable writing about.

I don’t want to write anything that seems to be excusing myself, or pointing blame. But if I do write everything that is how some people will take it. On the other hand, if I just write about how bad I was and the things I did I am not being true to what happened or to myself. It doesn’t help anything to beat myself up or place blame.

I am not going to try to use what happened in my marriage for entertainment. This is not like writing about some woman who I dated a couple of times who ended up being a freak. This is also not like a woman who hit me, stole from me and tried to get me arrested and then turned around and asked me to testify that she was a fit parent. What happened is far too personal for even this site.

I have always been brutally honest when I wrote here. Sometimes I said more than I probably should have. But in a couple of cases I have said nothing because what happened is too important and real for that kind of treatment. I just don’t have it in me to write a Lifetime Movie Network version of events with a clear villain and a hero. That’s not what this was like or what it’s all about.

I also have been real hesitant to write about what is going on in my life because it would center on therapy and my personal crap, and I do not want that to be confused as me making excuses for anything. The reality is I wake up every morning scared for no reason and after the morning medicines kick in I relax enough to barely make it through the day. Then I go home, which I dread doing, and as the meds wear off I get more and more stressed until I finally go to bed to escape it.

I am in a holding pattern while I wait to start with a new, much better, doctor who will hopefully manage my meds instead of leaving me out on my own to try to find a way to make them work well enough that I don’t go off the deep end. I also am in slower therapy because the 90 minute sessions she needs are harder to schedule and sometimes I have to miss a week.

I am waiting for my hard efforts at work during a brief period of motivation to pay off, which will alleviate a lot of financial stress.

In short, I am waiting to feel like something less than a ticking time bomb.

So until I get the nerve to write about why I am changing doctors, I guess this will have to do.

Unless you want to hire me to write something.

Labels: ads, anxiety, life, medication, personality+tests, relationships, writing