Scared Bunny

This may be the funniest blog post in history.

Lots of times I get comments to this blog that readers never see. It's not that I delete them. Except for spam and a couple of very vicious posts, I leave the comments even if they are negative. Everyone is welcome to their opinion, and if someone is going to put themselves out the way I do, with a lot of my negative experiences discussed, I have to expect negative responses.

But most of the time the poster thinks better of what they have to say and deletes it as soon as it's posted. Of course I still get an email telling me what was said. I would say I am told who said it, but they are always anonymous. Again, I don't fault people for deciding to delete what they say either. That is their right. (Although I am disabling anonymous comments because I have someone that is intentionally abusive and I think people should own up to what they say).

One comment was very negative. It basically said I will always be alone because I am "full of fail". Sadly they deleted it because I would have left that comment because, not only are people welcome to their opinion, they are right. I am full of fail. Granted most of what I write focuses on the negative things because, let's be honest, a post about how wonderful things are is boring. People may not like what I write, and that's OK. But I don't want a blog that is basically "today I ...".

I have failed in every relationship I have had. Even when the other person wronged me, as has happened, I failed by choosing the wrong person and allowing them to hurt me. I admit freely that I am probably incapable of a healthy relationship. I don't know how to do it and, to be blunt, I have not been around enough to see what they take. I am stuck living with issues beyond just what I have posted here. I have a childhood I have tried very hard to deal with, but have failed miserably. I have been in and out of therapy to try to find someone who can help me. I have been on more medications than I can remember.

When I want to work on my past, I end up with present crises which overwhelm me. When I am trying to deal with my present I am not touching on root issues that keep me from growing. I dwell on people and events that are not part of my present reality, and that drags me down to the depths of depression and fear. I never learned how to put things behind me, and I lack the control of my mind to keep unhealthy thoughts in check.

Maybe I don't know how to be happy and content.

The reality is I am full of fail. And until I learn how to get past my past I will be alone.

Labels: alone, depression, failure, life, mental health

Heart of the Matter - Don Henley

I got the call today, I didn't wanna hear
But I knew that it would come
An old true friend of ours was talkin' on the phone
She said you found someone
And I thought of all the bad luck,
And the struggles we went through
And how I lost me and you lost you
What are these voices outside love's open door
Make us throw off our contentment
And beg for something more?

I'm learning to live without you now
But I miss you sometimes
The more I know, the less I understand
All the things I thought I knew, I'm learning again
I've been tryin' to get down to the Heart of the Matter
But my will gets weak
And my thoughts seem to scatter
But I think it's about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if you don't love me anymore

These times are so uncertain
There's a yearning undefined
...People filled with rage
We all need a little tenderness
How can love survive in such a graceless age
The trust and self-assurance that can lead to happiness
They're the very things we kill, I guess
Pride and competition cannot fill these empty arms
And the work I put between us,
Doesn't keep me warm

I'm learning to live without you now
But I miss you, Baby
The more I know, the less I understand
All the things I thought I figured out, I have to learn again
I've been tryin' to get down to the Heart of the Matter
But everything changes
And my friends seem to scatter
But I think it's about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if you don't love me anymore

There are people in your life who've come and gone
They let you down and hurt your pride
Better put it all behind you; life goes on
You keep carrin' that anger, it'll eat you inside

I've been tryin' to get down to the Heart of the Matter
But my will gets weak
And my thoughts seem to scatter
But I think it's about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if you don't love me anymore

I've been tryin' to get down to the Heart of the Matter
Because the flesh will get weak
And the ashes will scatter
So I'm thinkin' about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if you don't love me anymore

Labels: don henley, lyrics

Creep - Radiohead

When you were here before,
Couldn't look you in the eye
You're just like an angel,
Your skin makes me cry

You float like a feather
In a beautiful world
I wish I was special
You're so fucking special

But I'm a creep,
I'm a weirdo
What the hell am I doin' here?
I don't belong here

I don't care if it hurts,
I wanna have control
I want a perfect body
I want a perfect soul

I want you to notice
when I'm not around
You're so fucking special
I wish I was special

But I'm a creep
I'm a weirdo
What the hell am I doin' here?
I don't belong here, ohhhh, ohhhh

She's running out the door
She's running out
She run run run run...
run...

Whatever makes you happy
Whatever you want
You're so fucking special
I wish I was special

But I'm a creep,
I'm a weirdo
What the hell am I doin' here?
I don't belong here

I don't belong here...

Labels: creep, lyrics, radiohead

The strangest things get to me.

There are some commercials out from Ikea that show a couple at bedtime. Oddly, it's not the idea of a couple that hits me. It's not even the fact the couple is in bed together. While those are both things I miss, I make it through those things ok. They get to me obviously, just like any reminder of a loss would. But I have been through enough that I can handle that pain without much of a problem.

The part that gets to me, in both ads, is what the wife does when she is in bed. In the first she climbs in to bed with her husband already asleep, and pulls his arm over her to go to sleep. In the other they are both asleep and she does the same thing. That little gesture really gets to me.

I miss holding someone. I lie alone in my bed, with my arms around a pillow, but it just isn't the same. I miss rolling over and having someone there. I miss having someone in my arms. Even more, I miss being held.

There is a sense of security I get from being held that I have never gotten any other way. When someone is holding you you can tell whether or not they love you. You feel as if they will always be with you. You never want that feeling to end.

Every time I see those commercials I feel a sense of loss.

Labels: commercials, life, relationships, sadness