Scared Bunny

One thing kind of surprises me. That is that most people never look at timestamps on entries. I can tell because people would wonder why the hell I write so late at night when I should be in bed. It's basically a bad case of insomnia. Once I do fall asleep I can sleep forever, but I am having a hell of a time falling asleep. I don't want to take any medication that will make waking up even harder.

So tonight I ended up watching a film I have seen before, High Roller: The Stu Unger Story. I doubt anyone that reads this has seen it, so here's a brief summary. Stu was possibly the best card player in history. He was a champion at both poker and gin.. His gin play was so strong that they even stopped allowing him to enter tournaments because other players wouldn't enter if he did. His poker was strong enough that he won the World Series 3 times, which no other player has done.

Of course there is another reason they made the film. He was a gambling and cocaine addict. He would lose more on sports betting than he won playing poker. He spent a fortune on cocaine. Over the course of his life he went from being a millionaire to bankrupt 4 times. He died at age 45 due to heart damage from the years of drug use.

I mention this because I sometimes wonder if my life will continue to be like that. No, I am not a gambling and cocaine addict. Hell, I have never done anything like that. But my life has been such a roller coaster. It seems every time I get up I mess it up or otherwise lose everything. I can honestly say that at one point or another I have lost everything except my son at one point or another, and sometimes I feel as if I have lost part of my relationship with him because we are apart most of the time. I also wonder how his being around me during these highs and lows has affected him.

But even though that is something I think about a lot, that isn't what I want to write about. See, I know that Stu died from drug abuse, but how much of a toll does the roller coaster life take on a person? I can tell you that you can feel physical reactions to the fall. Sometimes it actually feels as if you had physically fallen. Your heart races. Your stomach churns. It has to be doing damage. Is it going to shorten my life?

I can handle my mortality. I can even handle the idea I will live a shorter than normal life. But I do not want to die while my son is a child. I want to live long enough to see him graduate college. I want to be there when he gets married. I am honestly scared that I won't live long enough to see those things.

I need to find a way to stop the cycles, and I have no idea how to do that.

Labels: children, death, life, movies

I guess if you paid any attention to this blog you noticed that I like to write. Sometimes it's all that keeps me sane. Sometimes it is the only outlet I have. And sometimes the blog is like the only person I have to talk to.

And like most people who like to write think they have a novel in them. I have been kicking around ideas for years. Nobody seems to get my main idea besides me, which is OK. I don't mind that. I just want to get it out of my system.

But people who know me tell me that that novel is not what I should write. What they want to read is my life story. Hell, read early comments to the blog. People though the original stories were just a novel being tried out. People especially want the story from my first divorce forward. They probably want the whole shooting match, but I am not going to write about my marriage. I feel like that would be wrong.

And, as I have said, I won't write about my second marriage either.

That leaves a lot of very interesting stories, but no ending. There is no happy ending, and there is no tragic ending. All I have are the stories. Some people like the stories. Some people find them offensive. Some people think I am talking about them. And some of those people are right. But that just doesn't sound like a book to me. Then again, "The Secret" was a bestseller and basically all it says is to have a positive attitude and focus on your goals. It's a short book but, shit, I could say that in a greeting card.

So I have considered writing something that just doesn't include my marriages. The problem is that it would leave such a hole. When you read the stories I used to always write you have no sense for why I did what I did and how I got that way. I could fix that but it would mean including my childhood (making me look like a victim) and my first marriage (where I was an asshole and I am not willing to exploit that relationship). And I just know that whatever comes next for me, leaving out my second marriage would leave the story so obviously incomplete that any reader would wonder what happened.

The thing is, I am beginning to think I need to write and write it all. The whole mess. I feel like it has to all be compiled in one place to get it out and get over it. I am haunted by my past and I don't think anyone understands because nobody knows the whole thing. Even in therapy you can't tell the whole story. It is too long and complicated. 40 minutes at a time, including the bullshit from the therapist, would make it take years. And I realize now that I don't have years. To have this all bottled up is asking for trouble. While I am strangely calm right now, I know that is not a permanent condition for me. It is simply a pause in a storm. If I truly want to stop living from emotional storm to emotional storm, I need get the eye of the storm out of my soul.

So I am faced with a great decision and a monumental task. And I have to get this right because I know my soul is on the line.

Labels: book, emotions, insanity, life, relationships, writing

I guess I need to write more often. If I don't people think something is wrong. While I appreciate their concern, that’s usually not the case. Of course some people just seem to like what I write for some unknown reason.

So, to have something to write about I had a great idea. There are these commercials out now about how people are being rejected by eHarmony. If you have read everything in this blog you need to get a life. Just kidding, you know that I think eHarmony must be some kind of cult based on what those people keep saying on the commercials. I also think they give them Ecstasy before filming. But seriously, get a life if you really read all this shit.

Anyway, my plan was this. I was going to fill out their test and then, when they rejected me, I was going to trash them and discuss how crazy I am. But the bastards didn't say no. I have to say to those who were rejected, you must be really fucked up. How the hell did you answer those questions? If you or anyone you know was rejected, read this blog. Read what I have done and been through. It seems to me I am about the least safe bet in a relationship you could find. But, apparently, there are millions of you even more fucked up than I am! Seriously, read this whole damn blog. I'll even refrain from making fun of you for doing it just this once. At least to your face.

So then I have this account with eHarmony. And they're on TV all the time saying that, for free, they'll let me see my matches. That got me thinking because I have a theory. The only semi-good looking couples they’ve had are on those commercials. I'm really being generous there. But when they say you get to check out your matches, they just mean their profiles. Want to see a pic? Got $59? Didn't think so. So my plan to make fun of who they'd match someone like me with is totally shot because, let's be honest, everyone lies in their profiles. What we all want to know is if the person is hot.

Then I started getting requests from women wanting to communicate with me. I thought, OK, maybe if they initiate it you can reply and see a pic. Not only do you not get a pic, you can't reply. See, that’s how they afford all those fucking commercials. They figure after you spend all that time filling out the test you'll pay just to justify the time you just wasted. Frankly, I can think of better ways to spend $60. So now there are all these women who think I am ignoring them. Then again, they paid for this shit, so they may very well be nuts and or desperate. In short, perfect for me.

But, no, I am not giving them $60.

So what am I doing for companionship? Nothing. Not a damn thing.

I am really not ready for a relationship. In fact, the idea truly scares me still. Even as my anxiety overall is better, certain things still trigger quick attacks. And almost all of those things have to do with relationships and marriage. And since I am not exactly good at dating around... You'd think I’d be good at it by now, but I don't even have much experience. Every time I tried I freaked out. I think I may be too blunt for dating. Maybe blunt isn't the word. It's open. I am far too eager to share. People don’t really want that. And I am too willing to give. Secretly that isn't what people want either.

The scary part for me is that I'd almost need those “We knew the first time we met” sparks you see in their commercials. Of course I had that once…

Labels: dating, eHarmony, life