Scared Bunny

Lots of times I get comments to this blog that readers never see. It's not that I delete them. Except for spam and a couple of very vicious posts, I leave the comments even if they are negative. Everyone is welcome to their opinion, and if someone is going to put themselves out the way I do, with a lot of my negative experiences discussed, I have to expect negative responses.

But most of the time the poster thinks better of what they have to say and deletes it as soon as it's posted. Of course I still get an email telling me what was said. I would say I am told who said it, but they are always anonymous. Again, I don't fault people for deciding to delete what they say either. That is their right. (Although I am disabling anonymous comments because I have someone that is intentionally abusive and I think people should own up to what they say).

One comment was very negative. It basically said I will always be alone because I am "full of fail". Sadly they deleted it because I would have left that comment because, not only are people welcome to their opinion, they are right. I am full of fail. Granted most of what I write focuses on the negative things because, let's be honest, a post about how wonderful things are is boring. People may not like what I write, and that's OK. But I don't want a blog that is basically "today I ...".

I have failed in every relationship I have had. Even when the other person wronged me, as has happened, I failed by choosing the wrong person and allowing them to hurt me. I admit freely that I am probably incapable of a healthy relationship. I don't know how to do it and, to be blunt, I have not been around enough to see what they take. I am stuck living with issues beyond just what I have posted here. I have a childhood I have tried very hard to deal with, but have failed miserably. I have been in and out of therapy to try to find someone who can help me. I have been on more medications than I can remember.

When I want to work on my past, I end up with present crises which overwhelm me. When I am trying to deal with my present I am not touching on root issues that keep me from growing. I dwell on people and events that are not part of my present reality, and that drags me down to the depths of depression and fear. I never learned how to put things behind me, and I lack the control of my mind to keep unhealthy thoughts in check.

Maybe I don't know how to be happy and content.

The reality is I am full of fail. And until I learn how to get past my past I will be alone.

Labels: alone, depression, failure, life, mental health