Scared Bunny

People read what I write about putting the past behind me and they think that means I’m doing OK. I have to be honest. It doesn’t mean that. I have to move beyond the past because if you dwell on it you will relive it again and again. I do believe that what we focus on we attract to ourselves. Whether you believe in Jesus with "As ye sew so shall ye reap", or you believe in the concept of karma where your past lives dictate your future lives. Everything I have seen tells me that the past affects the future, and I see that I kept putting myself in these bad positions out of loneliness or desperation.

Anyone that knows me, or reads this blog and it’s penchant for anal sex stories, knows that I am far from a holy roller. But I was reminded of the story of Joseph. His brothers threw him in a well, sold him as a slave and probably kicked him in the nuts. But years later when they came face to face with him he was able to save them from starvation because he didn’t let his past dictate his future. He mind of seemed like an arrogant little snot as a youngster, but what he was doing was focusing on a positive future, and that is what he got.

When I think back about the bad relationships I have had, I recognize one thing. All of those people were in their own way locked in their past. They relived their pain day after day because they couldn’t let go. And for 37 years I did the same thing. In fact, the last 5 years I believe sincerely are karma for a big chunk of my life where I mistreated someone. And if karma works minute for minute I have five more years to go.

That’s a pretty fucking scary thought. On one hand I survived 5 years, and even had some fun during that time. I did lots of things that should have killed me and made it through alive. I even dated Heather, which is a challenge nobody should undertake. On the other the pain really has built over time and while I may be smarter now, don’t confuse that with the notion I am better than I was back then. I have to trust that I can steer my life and my thoughts away from the mess I’ve made. I want my son to see me as a strong man who lives a fulfilled life, and not a man full of depression and anxiety.

So to the person who commented and deleted it yesterday, I’m not really OK. I’m a long way from OK. I just think I know where OK is and how to get there. I also know that I’m human and I’m going to get hurt many times during the trip, but that’s OK too. Chicks dig scars.

There are certain things in my life I am scared I will always associate with certain people. Maybe I hold on to things too long, but there are parts of town I just won’t go to because it hurts too bad. There are certain zip and area codes I hate to use. I still remember an old phone number from a long ago ex and when I see the last 4 digits I feel a sense of regret. I smell certain perfumes and remember someone who wore them. I eat at certain restaurants and remember taking someone there.

It doesn’t even have to make sense. I lived in a certain area code for 2 years. I could tell you my address, phone number, where we shopped, but when I see that area code I think about someone I met years later who had that area code and I feel a sense of loss.

There are places I will never travel again. I liked them, but they belong to the past and going would be a reminder. (No, Heather, you didn't get Vegas. You weren't that strong. I'd even go back to that bar, dance again and go to the after party. And this time if the girl tried to take my date, her date would end up on the floor.) These are places that I associate with something real, and not something that was purely one-sided. These are places that just the thought of visiting brings a tear to my eye and a flood of memories. The person who shares these memories knows who she is.

But all of these things are also in the past and I have to somehow find a way to put them behind me. The past is real. It happened. But allowing yourself to feel the pain over and over is to give in to fantasy. That pain is not real. Even the memories are not real. They are our distortions of what happened and by dwelling on them we allow them to hurt us as if we were living through the pain again.

That it what I am working on and where I am in life. I never let go of a lot of my past, and not just the recent past. I need to move forward and have a healthy life. You can't do that holding on so tight to everything that has come before.

I've decided not to be the sum of what has happened in the past and instead be what happens from one minute to the next.