Scared Bunny

I have to say life is interesting.

This time last year I was totally single and not even dating. I was on a self-imposed break from anything remotely resembling a relationship. I was not as much healing from the last relationship as I was trying to heal enough to be worth a good woman. I had been through a relationship I considered, and still consider, the strangest I have ever been in. I realized I was not in a good place for a relationship, and that something inside me had to change.

I was working at home and had virtually no face-to-face contact with anyone that wasn’t either paid to talk to me or happened to live near me. I sometimes would get a call and it had been so long since I had spoken that I almost couldn’t make a sound. I had friends, but only one of them was real. I was avoiding dealing with a lot of people from my distant and recent past because I didn’t see any reason to be involved with people who were either unhealthy or pushed my psyche to be unhealthy.

I had a job that barely provided for me, and dealt with sometimes not being paid at all. I had an employer that had promised me the world and delivered nothing. My boss had quit to get away with the bullshit, as had everyone else that did what I did. I was learning that contracts are made to be broken, and some people simply can’t manage. And I was dealing with the possibility I would have to stay in the job because of mistakes from my past.

Now I am dealing with the possibility of a divorce. I am married to a woman I love dearly, but I am learning that just taking time off to heal doesn’t mean you do heal. I have discovered that I have a disorder I never realized I had, and that being isolated masked the symptoms. I have seen that I never handled many of the problems from my past, and have learned what caused so many of them were something beyond my control. I have been taught that it’s possible I am not the piece of shit I have always believed I was.

I have a job where not only have they delivered what they promised; I am seeing the possibility of making more money than I ever dreamed possible. I am learning that success can be as scary as failure. I have a position where not only do I deal with co-workers every day; I speak with dozens of complete strangers daily. I am finding that I enjoy working and thrive on achievement. I have a boss who appreciates hard work as long as your efforts lead to production. We are measured based not on whether or not the boss likes us, but on how we perform. I am in a position where instead of being broke, I might have more than I know what to do with.

With all of these changes I am sometimes finding that I am confused. While I always had low self-esteem, I was able to appear confident. Now there are times I just can’t fake it. I have to do my best to hide it because the world hates a loser, and nobody will trust a man who doesn’t trust himself. I always assumed that if I found a woman that truly loved me and that I truly loved that it would automatically work. I am realizing that the person we are can dictate our present. I am learning that the past has power if we let it, and I have been giving the past control of my present.

In short, I am in a learning mode. I have to learn how to be in a learning mode while remaining strong as a father and employee. I am also realizing that I am not as strong as I want to be, and I can only take on so much. I am also learning that I can control my thoughts; I just don’t do it very well just yet. I am learning that I really do have to work for therapy to work, and that what I thought was work was just spinning my wheels. I am also learning how my childhood impacted me and why. And eventually I will learn how to retrain my mind.

I am emotionally drained and mentally exhausted sometimes. Not only do I have to work all day, even down times are not down time. I have to constantly be on guard to keep my thoughts where they should be. There’s not a moment where I’m not working on something, and when I do stop I pay the price almost instantly and then I find myself working again. Yes I’m admitting I am exhausted. But I’d rather be exhausted and see progress than be rested and live the life I did for 36 years.

Labels: anxiety, changes, life, psychology, relationships, success, therapy, work

One reason I am having trouble writing right now is something that is hard to explain. I feel like everything on my life, with the exception of work, is on hold.

If you read this crap regularly, you know I am in therapy. Without bogging down with details of my childhood and my psychological profile, my therapist believes that certain core beliefs that are established at a very young age were seriously warped by what was going on around me at the time. I have to say it makes a lot of sense. It would explain why I am so prone to anxiety, why I view the world as a hostile place, why I have played the victim so many times and even why I am so contradictory when it comes to sexual behavior.

The problem is that now I have to learn a lot of things that most of you probably don’t even consider things that are learned. I have to admit I usually don’t even respect therapists, but this is one that does have my respect and trust. Right now she has just had to teach me how not to be anxious all the time, which is a struggle at times. Even that sentence triggered some anxiety. Then she can work on helping me develop the beliefs I need for healthy relationships and a more normal life.

I feel like I can’t do so many things until that is completed though. I am apprehensive about relationships of all sorts. I don’t want to make any major decisions while I am still in the learning process because learning the types of things established at 3 or 4 has me feeling like an emotional child. I just don’t trust my own judgment, which probably is a good thing given some of the decisions I have made.

Plus there is the fact Tricia and I exist in some sort of limbo. We are not together, yet not apart. I have not yet filed for the divorce because we do both have feelings for each other and it just doesn’t feel right to file. I am not going to tie her down though. I love her enough to let her go if that is what she wants or needs. At the same time, if she is not ready for the divorce yet I am certainly not going to file.

It’s as if I am single and married at the same time, and it just feels weird. With my first divorce I never felt “married” during the process. I realized I was a single person regardless of my legal status. We were not going to be getting back together, and I didn’t want us to get back together. I was not in a good place emotionally, but I was confident of where I stood and where we stood. This situation is very different. This time what is happening and has happened is not what either of us wants.

I even feel in limbo when it comes to where I live. If I am going to be single, I need to live in a smaller place, closer to work. But if I am married I will want to stay where the house is big, the schools are good and will just deal with the drive.

I am not going to force a decision though. I need to do what is right for Trica, the kids and I. And if that means I am in a state of limbo for a while while I learn, so be it. In the mean time I just have to sit by and learn how to accept uncertainty. I guess it’s a learning experience.

But it sucks that learning experiences have to be so hard.

Labels: confusion, life, limbo, uncertainty relationships

OK, I don’t want to write about me right now. I am using a personal journal for that. One only my therapist sees.

What I do want to write about is how other people are a problem in relationships. No, this isn’t a backhanded way to discuss Tricia and I. This is about a friend I have mentioned before that has a situation I guarantee will cause a problem for her.

Here are the brief details. She met a guy and they “fell in love”. They were “together” for 3 months, but almost none of that time was spent in the same state. See, he is a military guy and was first stationed elsewhere, then shipped to Iraq. And, no this isn’t about military guys or long distance relationships or even Iraq.

This is about his mom.

His mom loves this girl. She loves the idea of her son being with this girl. She is convinced they are meant for each other and that they will always be together. In short, she is on crack.

See, shortly after they split physically, there was a misunderstanding. The girl spent an evening watching a movie with a guy friend. Now, I am not going to get in to the guy friend thing here, but I will say what he did next was stupid as hell. She has a MySpace and he left a comment saying “Thanks for coming over. Hope I didn’t keep you up too late last night.” Now, imagine what the boyfriend, on his way to Iraq, thought when he saw that comment. He flipped! He assumed the worst and, to be honest, I would have too. If as soon as we are apart my girlfriend is at another guy’s house, I am thinking something bad.

Well, they broke up. More accurately, he dumped her. She explained to him the situation, and he said he believed her. But they did not kiss and make up. They remained apart. To this day he will not answer her emails, chat with her and he has her blocked on MySpace and his chat program.

But the girl has become friends with the mother. And she is still convinced that they belong together and will be together. She has told the girl to date, so she doesn’t get bored, but by date she kind of means going out more or less as friends. And she wants the girl to be available when her son “makes up his mind”, because, of course, he will decide they will be together.

Now, the mother wants the girl to bring her kids to visit this summer, and to go to Disneyland and… you get the idea. Now, consider this. The girl has decided to move on. She realizes they are not meant to be together and has no intention of waiting for him to “make up his mind”. When he ignored the 50th email and blocked her completely, he showed his mind is made up. So how does the friendship with the mom affect her?

Well, first, let me say that a “friend” is someone with very few off limit topics. If you can’t discuss who you are seeing with someone, they aren’t a friend. And a friend isn’t going to try to get you to wait for a man who has shown he doesn’t want you. A friend doesn’t act based on their beliefs or dreams for you, but based on what will make you happy.

Imagine being the next guy this girl is with. Would you be real comfortable with your girlfriend talking for hours on end with the mom of an ex who is convinced the two of you are going to get back together? Would you want your girlfriend spending all that time at the home of an ex’s mother? Heck, doesn’t involving the kids send messages that there is a chance for them?

See, I look at this whole situation and see it is going to cause problems. The mother, no matter what she says, is not going to abandon her beliefs and what she has been actively trying to accomplish. And her actions, to me, are clearly designed to keep treating this girl as her daughter-in-law. Notice, the invitation didn’t even consider the possibility that 2 months from now she will be seeing someone. To the mother that’s not possible because this girl is destined to be with her son. She is trying to find ways to keep the girl available for her son when he returns.

I guess I just can’t see how this “friendship” is anything remotely resembling a friendship. I look at the mom’s actions and see motive clear as day. I also have some experience with moms, and I have to say they almost always act based on what they want for their kids, and get tunnel vision if they have a strong belief like that.

I hope for this girl’s sake I am wrong, but I don’t see how she can move on with mom hanging around the way she is.

Labels: advice, dating, exes, life, mothers, relationships

You know, I have to be honest. There have been only 2 things on my mind most of the time: my wife (I am having trouble sometimes saying ex-wife) and my work. That creates a blogging dilemma because I am not going to write about what we had, and work is not that interesting. I mean I am not really bored at work. I can keep myself amused. But it isn’t that interesting to anyone else. And I am serious that this blog is not the place to write about our relationship in the past or present tense.

So, I have had to think of other things. I had a couple of things I was going to write, but they don’t work for me right now. They might tomorrow, but right now they are not that interesting to me. And if I am not in to them, I just can’t write about them.

But one thing was on my mind. See, I was reminded last night that, at some point, both my wife and I will move on to other people. It’s not something I am too thrilled about, but I guess it’s reality. It does, however, raise a problem. See, I have this blog with tales of exploits that are, well, embarrassing. I wouldn’t ever discuss such things with a girlfriend because it would seem inappropriate. But, at the same time, there they are for the whole world to read.

I have honestly considered deleting them. There is no way I could ever keep my blogs all 500 of them) a secret. It wouldn’t be fair or right, especially if I intended to keep writing in them. It has to be hard to be with me and read about things like the crazy no lube hard anal sex girl. And, I know for a fact, hearing about my past makes some women feel like they aren’t good enough. They imagine I was with women that look like super models, and they feel self-conscious.

But, on the other hand, those stories also represent part of my past I need to remember. I was, and am, unhealthy in many ways. Those tales are reminders of what happens when you aren’t doing what you need to do to live a healthy life. If you read the very first entry you will also see that there was a time, more than one actually, where the blog served as a place for me to get it all out. I didn’t know anyone here to talk to, and needed to tell someone, anyone, what I was going through.

See, I have a dilemma. I will say right now I do not like hearing anything about the sexual/romantic past of someone I am with. It makes me feel very uncomfortable. I know they have a past, but details make me feel insecure. So I feel like having the details out there for everyone to read is not fair or right for someone I am with. But maybe they don’t mind. Maybe, to them, the past is just the past.

It’s not like I need to decide all this right now, but I will say it is weighing heavily on my mind.

OK, I have to start by saying that nobody should assume anything I write is directed at, or inspired by, my wife and our split. I am not going to ever write about her or us for amusement purposes. She and I cannot be together because of me, and that is very sad. But she is still a very special woman and I love her. I always will.

Also, understand I am not saying I am an expert on life and relationships. More often than not you would do better by doing the opposite of what I do. But I also am the first one to tell you that the majority of mistakes I have made were avoidable, and I also have a nasty habit of not doing what I say someone should do. In almost every instance where I had a relationship worthy of Scared Bunny I broke one or more of the rules set out in the 300+ pages of bullshit I’ve written here. Granted some of the rules were set as a direct result of the experiences I have had, but in a lot of cases I made an exception and paid the price for it.

The biggest thing I can say is that most of the time when I did something where things went crazy I had alarm bells going off all the time. When I dated Heather, the one in the very first story and the one who you all need to read about to understand why this blog exists, I knew I was in trouble. When you are in love it’s common to lose your appetite. Well, with her I not only had no appetite, I usually puked after every meal. I am serious. I was like one of those girls on the after school specials except I didn’t make myself puke on purpose. I was just always so scared that my stomach couldn’t take it. I went from 230 pounds to 185. My ex-wife (the first one) saw me and noted I had lost weight. Then she said “Is it a good weight loss?” Even she saw what a toll Heather was taking on me.

Most people tell you to listen to your heart. I will tell you to listen to your stomach. There is a feeling you get in the pit of your stomach when something isn’t right. I am not saying you will puke. I don’t puke much, and sometimes it’s not the relationship but other things health wise. But it’s not about puking. It’s about trusting that little voice in your head, or in your stomach, that is telling you you have a problem. Your heart can mislead you because you can be in love with the wrong person. But you are still in love with them. But there is usually a part of you that knows the match is not a good one.

I know you are now thinking I am a hypocrite, and I am. I think most of us will say you shouldn’t do things we have done. Hell, if you’re a parent you probably tell your kids every day not to do things you have done or still do. But that’s also because either you are wanting better for them, or because what’s OK for an adult is not OK for a kid. In a way that is what I do sometimes here. I am not going to tell you I will always 100% follow my own advice. Every now and then you do have to gamble. But I will say that I take those chances knowing full well that history says not to. And I will usually admit that I am breaking a rule, even if it’s a big one, if I write about it.

Pretty much, I see relationships the same as I see gambling. You go in to it deciding if the risk is worth the reward. Now, when it comes to the lottery, I almost never play unless the cash payout after taxes is about the same as the odds of winning. Every now and then though I get a wild hair up my ass and play when it’s not though. That’s how relationships are. You can go on just taking a chance when it really seems worth the risk up front, but every now and then most people say “What the hell” and take a chance on one that may not seem worth it on the surface. Unfortunately, just like with the lottery, more often than not I don’t win and “buying the ticket” didn’t pay off. But at least you had the fun of playing and dreaming those “what if” dreams. Now, in my case, it’s more like a pull on a $100 slot where it comes up all lemons, but that’s just me.

Anyway, right now I will tell you that any stories I write will either be about things way in the past or other people I know. I am not even thinking about getting involved with anyone. I am not only still heartbroken, I wouldn’t wish me on anyone right now. They can give me pills so I don’t always feel sad and scared, but I know that deep down I have some wounds that never healed. Until I have some closure on those, and probably some scar tissue forms to toughen me up, I shouldn’t be involved. I also am not really interested in even casual dating because I am scared I will get attached or she will, and then someone gets hurt. I have hurt enough people already.

Instead, I’ll be taking that energy and spend it on trying to figure out why I am like this and how to change. My time will be about work, my son and maybe a little poker. I do hope, though, that they figure out something to do about my hands being a little shaky because it freaks people out and makes playing cards a bitch.

Labels: advice, dating, hypocricy, life, puking, relationships

OK, I was talking to an old school friend the other day, and she starts telling me this story about her best friend.

She was one of those that had a guy best friend. They did everything together. He shopped with her. They hung out. They were the main person the other went to with relationship problems. In short, they did everything you would expect best friends to do. Or, more accurately, they did the kinds of things that 2 female best friends would do.

See, there are few straight guys that love going shopping together. Even fewer provide good relationship advice. The typical conversation between 2 guy best friends goes like this:

Guy 1: “Dude, my girlfriend is being such a bitch.”

Guy 2: “Dude, they’re all bitches.”

In short, the guy was not acting normal for a typical guy. While there are exceptions to the rule, his actions would not be considered typical male behavior for a friend.

But, for the sake of argument, we will say she just assumed he was more sensitive and enlightened than the typical guy.

So, one night he asks her to come watch a movie. They have done this a thousand times, so she doesn’t see anything strange. They sit down, watch the movie and just do what they have always done. Then his hand brushes up against her leg. Well, they are sitting kind of close, so she excuses it as an accident. But his hand doesn’t move. In fact, it not only stays against her leg, it moves on top of her leg. And before long, he is rubbing her leg. At this point she is feeling kind of weird because this is not normal friend behavior. It was also not normal when he brushed the hair away from her face and went in to kiss her neck.

But, what she didn’t get, and still doesn’t get, is that this IS normal guy behavior. The whole thing is normal guy behavior. It’s not that the guy did anything abnormal. He has been hanging around her because he likes her. Sure it took him a long time to actually make a move, but the move came, and it should have been expected. Hell, I knew where the story was going as soon as she told me her best friend was a guy. I have known a lot of women in my life with guy best friends, and except for the few where the guy was gay, the stories always end up with the girl somehow finding out that her “friend” wanted to be more than friends.

Now, on one hand, I really don’t care because it’s like that story about the turtle and the scorpion. A scorpion asks a turtle for a ride across a stream. The turtle says “No way. If I do that you’ll sting me.” But the scorpion reminds the turtle that if he does that they’ll both drown. The turtle agrees to give the scorpion a ride, and the scorpion climbs on. But half way across the stream the scorpion stings the turtle and they both start sinking. The turtle asks “How could you do that? Now we’ll both die!” And the scorpion replies, “It’s just my nature.”

It’s hard for me to be too upset with the guy because he was doing what is in his nature. Guys tend to want to be around women they are attracted to. I have known some guys with ugly female friends, but they usually use them as either wing women, to get to their friends, as a shoulder to cry on or as a slumpbuster. In short, they use them. And I can’t say that the woman is blameless because she had to see some signs along the way. There had to be times his eyes strayed a little or stayed locked just a split second too long.

But what annoyed me was when I asked her about how the guy friend had impacted her relationships. See, since they had been friends she hadn’t had any serious relationships. She had dated a few guys, but nothing ever came of it. Let’s see if we can figure out why. First, she never had any time to get to know those guys because she and her friend were always busy. That was funny to me because almost every woman I have known would ditch female friends in a heartbeat for a guy. But they will almost never ditch a male friend for a date.

Then there was the fact that, as she discussed the dates, the “friend” kept steering her towards the bad things about the guy. I mean, the guy was a double agent. He’s in there as a “friend” protecting her by eliminating his competition. In his mind, she was supposed to be with him so, naturally, every guy she dated wasn’t good enough. Even though he had low self-esteem (the guys that use the “friend” tactic usually do) he still sincerely believed they were meant to be together.

And all of that is kind of sneaky and underhanded, but I kind of think she was using him too. She was getting the benefits of a friend and a boyfriend without all of the hassles of a relationship. Now, she wasn’t getting any sex from him, but for all I know those one and two dates she did have were giving her enough to get her by. (We’re not the kind of friends that talk about sex, so I have no idea.) So while she was getting played, she was kind of playing him too.

I guess that, the thing is, in most cases when one person is playing someone, you have to look and see if the person getting played is doing a little playing themselves. Even the “innocent victim” usually has at very least let themselves get used, and may very well be less than innocent.

And, yes, I’ve done all the things I complain about, so I am a hypocrite.

Labels: friends, games, players, relationships, used

Once again I am in a position where I have no idea where this blog will lead.

My wife and I have split, and I see no hope for reconciliation. There is no way someone should be with me right now and I know it.

I am not going to ever write about her or our relationship again. What I felt and feel for her is not something for entertainment purposes. What we went through is not something to make light of. I love, and will always love, her. So don’t expect to see her story in my blog. It belongs nowhere but my heart.

I was also told people think I am creepy if I write about how I am going to therapy and o medication. Unfortunately that is my life right now. All I can do is try to get healthy so maybe I can be at least someone who people can stand to be around. I also need it for myself because I can’t live a life where I feel scared all the time, and I really don’t want to have to dull the pain with medication forever.

I also don’t se myself dating. It hurts too much to even think about it.

So what will I write?

I have no idea.

I wish my life was like the celebrity life.

If you read this blog you know I am going through some tough shit right now. And you also know that basically it’s my fault. I never got my anxiety dealt with and now my wife and kids are dealing with it. I have almost completely lost Tricia’s trust, and I am going to be spending all my energy to regain that trust. I will be the responsible, sensitive and understanding man she deserves. I have reworked how I handle my finances so she will know we are taken care of and we will be taken care of. I am really doing a lot she can’t see, and a lot inside my head and heart nobody will ever see but me. It may be too late, but I am not going to just give up.

But if I were a celebrity this would be easy. All I would have to do is say I am sorry for what I did and then check myself in to some kind of rehab facility. It’s not like I couldn’t benefit from a stay at one of those spas posing as a hospital. Daily therapy and medical visits would sure get me through the steps to heal faster than once a week therapy and doctor visits maybe every other month. Docs who give you whatever you ask for have to be easier than a doc who is being very careful what he prescribes you and slowly adjusts dosages and medications. Not having to work would sure be nice and alleviate some stress. And everyone would just have to forgive me and treat me like nothing happened.

I mean, that’s how it works, right? If you go to therapy you’re instantly redeemed in everyone’s eyes. Hell, if you really do have a problem you are a hero for getting it taken care of, get to write a book about it and become a regular on Oprah. This shit is just insane to me. I look at these fakes who say and do things they shouldn’t, and they game the system with a fake rehab stay and go on like nothing ever happened. Meanwhile, those of us with real lives who really do see we have problems work our asses off on them and accept willingly that the people we hurt may not forgive us or ever trust us again.

This makes a mockery of what I did before and what I am trying to do now. I didn’t mess up because I have a drug or alcohol problem. I do not need to be detoxed. What I need is to first own up to what I did, second see why my problem exists in the first place, third accept that not addressing it for 36+ years is my own damn fault and last, fix the damn problem. You know I had a friend tell me that if things got too tough to handle I didn’t need to tell the docs I wanted to kill myself. What I needed to do was get totally shitfaced drunk and walk in to the ER and tell them I am an alcoholic. Once in I could get the medical treatment I have been waiting for (for those counting, 24 hours till I see my doc as I write this).

It’s just dumb. Call it drug or alcohol abuse and suddenly people are understanding and sympathetic. The system will embrace you with open arms and, if you have insurance, you won’t have to wait at all to get what you need. But if you have anxiety, or depression or anything like that, you only become a priority if you try to kill yourself or someone else.

Don’t tell me alcoholics or addicts who don’t get help are killing themselves because anyone who has severe anxiety is killing themselves too. The human heart is not meant to race 24/7. You are supposed to be able to eat a well balanced diet daily without your stomach being so tied up in knots that you can’t make yourself eat.

It pisses me off that for people to take this shit seriously you have to attempt to kill yourself. All this other crap and you just say you have a problem and you’re a hero and you’ve “taken the first step towards recovery”. With panic and anxiety you have a problem and the general reaction is “so?” I have been told to “get over it” so many times in my life it’s not even funny. Ever hear someone tell a heroin addict “just stop taking heroin and you’ll be fine”?

I swear I am about to just say it is an alcohol problem and then maybe people will give a shit.

Well, Monday was my first session with my therapist. You remember how, in school, on the first day you didn't do shit. Hell, in college the TA would hand out and go over the syllabus and then you left. Well, this therapist was not like that.

She asked me why I was there. I explained my severe anxiety and how it caused me to hurt the woman I love, and she said "OK, let's go over your childhood and see why you have no self worth." Just like that we were in the serious shit.

OK, I didn't tell her 2 things. I never mentioned the fact I was made to believe I was sexually abused. And I never mentioned that my mother insisted I had watched as she was sexually abused and beaten. I figured I'd wait on that because I am not sure that what I was told happened was as important as what I remembered happening.

So I told her the whole story, from about 4 to about 14. And, as I went through it, she pointed out examples of how things that happened convinced me I was worth less than everyone else. She also told me how a couple of things pretty much had to have been terrifying to a child. I am not telling the stories here because the point of this blog is not sympathy. The point is to tell what happened in therapy.

Anyway, after we established I had no self-esteem and that I had traded anger as a defense mechanism for a life of fear, she talked to me about my marriage. She tried to get me to see how what I say and do makes Tricia feel. I am not going to say I was in her mind, because you really can't be. But I do se how all I have done hurts and frustrates her.

Basically what I got out of it is that, right now, I am not a good husband, because to be a good husband you have to have enough self respect and self esteem. Without it you will just wait for things to go wrong because that is what happens to people who are worthless.

She also tried to get me to learn to replace negative fantasies with positive ones, but that is some hard shit to do. Right now I am just trying to stop the negative thoughts. That alone isn't easy, and I swear if I do some of those things people watching me will think I'm nuts. But the people who know me already think I'm nuts, so I guess it doesn't matter.

The other piece of news came today when I decided to call he and get her thoughts on my meeting with my psychiatrist on Friday. I feel like I need to be more medicated.Hell, I'd take numb if it meant not having physical feelings of fear for no good reason.

Like almost every therapist I have met, she is not big on drugs. She thinks that masking the pain makes the work harder. However, in my case, she said I was so "emotionally fragile" that I needed to get more agrressive medication from my doc.

While that sounds like a plan, it kinda scares me that an anti-drug therapist thinks I need more drugs. I guess I just trust the experts.

Well, today is the day I start therapy, and I am scared to death.

I woke up this morning scared. I was literally afraid to get out of bed. In my mind, as soon as I got up bad things would start happening. It didn’t matter what aspect of my life I considered, I assumed something bad would happen. I just knew that I would have trouble at work, I would have trouble with Tricia, I would feel scared all day and get even more anxious because things would be going on around me and that would stress me out. I knew my medication would not help me relax and I would just be reminded I have 4 more days to cope with a treatment that doesn’t work. I even knew that Tricia would see my anxiety and take it personally, and it would reinforce her fears.

But the fact is none of that is rational. It may be logical, but it’s not rational. I read that online. It seems my employer has a resource where I can do some cognitive behavioral therapy online. I have wanted to check in to that but couldn’t find one. I was so scared today though that I actually was looking on their web site for a number to call to try to get something, anything, to calm my nerves. But there it was. The tool I wanted to see has been there for me. I am not saying it was a godsend. The fact is all it can do is remind me that there are solutions and give me some examples of what they are. It can’t talk me down when I am stressed or show me what I am doing wrong. Basically it can give me a preview of what I can do.

At first, though, I felt better. It really reinforced what I have been trying to explain to myself and other people. Basically, I have an irrational thought brought on by some sort of stimuli. That thought grows, I get anxious and, if it gets bad enough I have an anxiety attack. And, like it or not, I cannot just stop doing it. It would be like teaching me to throw left handed. I can learn it, but it will take time and work. 36 years of doing things one way isn’t something you can just stop doing because people want you to. Not when the thoughts are automatic. And, while everyone seems to think I can just not think these things, I can’t.

That is a big part of what scares me. Everyone wants to see results and they want to see them now. Until they see them they won’t trust me and a lot of people will not be supportive. But I can’t just flip a switch. If I could I would have done it a long time ago. Hell, think about someone addicted to something. Their cravings are something they have while they get over their addiction. Nobody expects them to just stop having the cravings because they have decided to stop. The thoughts are not something I can just stop. Every therapist I have seen or read from says that. And, honestly, the body’s reaction to those thoughts is something else I cannot control because it is a learned response. I can control my actions. I have to accept that. But I know my being afraid makes people uncomfortable and I know they can sense my fear. I feel like, because I am afraid, people assume I will mess up again. And if they assume it it’s just as bad as if I actually do it. I get treated the same way.

I’m scared because the way people are going to react to me is completely beyond my control. I can only do what is right, and have no control over whether or not that even matters to them. It feels like most people have their minds made up already. The self-pitying part of me just wants a little slack. But the rational me knows that they are just reacting to how I have conditioned them. Expect John to screw up because that is what he does. Making it worse, here is one of the most common thought patterns people like me have

“I must be loved by everyone and everyone must approve of everything I do.”

Frankly I would just take not being hated and distrusted right now, but that isn’t an option for me.

Fuck, I am not supposed to get down on myself. It doesn’t help. But when people around me have problems that I contributed to, and I don’t have a solution, I feel like a pathetic piece of shit.

I am so tired of being like I am.

I hate being like this. I hate how it makes me feel. I hate what I do. I hate what it does to those who love me. I just hate it.

My life has been like a perfect storm of how to end up fucked up. Take a childhood that was a mess and filled with drama. Add in a college breakdown. Mix with a therapist who decides to see what rage episodes look like on a weekly basis, and let stand for 10 years. Then mix in a cheating wife, cheating girlfriends, one psychotic thief and a pathological liar. Stir with one guy who doesn’t ever really do what he needs to do to get past the pain and stops treatment before he’s ready. What you have with all that is what I am.

See, the thing is, all of the fucked up shit that happened to me wouldn’t be a problem if I had at any point really worked at getting healthy. I had 10 years where I knew I was fucked up. But I was too busy being angry to do anything about it. 10 fucking years. All that time wasted. Not only did I hurt the people around me, I wasted a shitload of my life because I was too busy being hurt and angry. What could I have done with that time? I will never know the answer to that. It’s hard for me to not just drive myself nuts when I think about that question though.

Then I had a moment of clarity brought on by my first real panic attack. I just could not keep living angry all the time, and I had to do something. I took a drastic step. But in retrospect I am not sure it was the right one. Getting help was a good idea, but the help I got wasn’t right and wasn’t enough. See, what I did was basically trade one fucked up mindset for another. And while the new mindset seemed so much better to a lot of people, it really wasn’t. I am still scared to death, except I just hold it in for a long time instead of venting it. The way I vented was wrong, but internalizing is too.

Tricia is an amazing woman. She can see I am holding stuff in. She just usually thinks it’s about her and her wonderful kids when it’s not. They don’t stress me out. I love having them around. They have all worked to show me that I can live a full and happy life and not hide away from the world. And they have also showed me how I wasn’t letting Casey enjoy life to the fullest. While I can keep myself from really living, doing that to Casey just isn’t right. And if I am able to give Casey a more fulfilling childhood, that will be because of Tricia.

What stresses me out is all inside me. I am scared of and by the past. Those who forget the past are doomed to repeat it, but so are those who obsess about it. I could have driven the love of my life away just because I expected her to hurt me anyway. I could have guaranteed I’d get hurt by acting like I was going to get hurt. Anxiety isn’t a defense mechanism it is like self-mutilation. In my case all it does is hurt, and usually not because anything has happened. I could accept anxiety if it was fear of imminent danger. But fear of the possibility, no matter how remote, of potential harm is crippling.

Yet, strangely, tonight I sit here alone at my home, but calm. See, the fact is that if Tricia really didn’t want to be with me, if she really wanted to be with him, she would be. And while I still need help because I am not healthy, the feeling is amazing. Hell, I am a little anxious only because I keep expecting to be anxious. I am so accustomed to getting anxious, especially when we are apart, that I expect it to hit. But it doesn’t, because I can still feel her arms around me. I can feel her fingers in my hair. And I know she does that because she loves me.

I admit it will be hard every minute until she is back home for good. But before it was always because I was scared of losing her while we were apart. All of you that know her don’t understand why I thought that. You never really could understand it, and I respect that. Now I understand why you said what you said, and felt what you felt. Because now I see and feel her love in a way I never did before.

OK, my last post was confusing.

I wrote it after a very specific conversation, and I should know better. The fact is, It made it sound like things are settled and they aren't. Far from it. I wish they were, but they just aren't.

I have told all of you a simple truth. I need help. And for those who care, i start therapy Monday. I have no idea how that will go though because some therapists suck. I had just wanted a specific therapy but the doctor wants to see if it is what she thinks I need.

I also go back to my other doctor Friday of next week. I have been to embarassed to admit what is wrong with my medication, but here goes. Once I started my new job my anxiety kicked in full force. It was and is very hard for me to transition from working at home to working in an office. Plus I am not at all used to having people who work with me that are competing for the same business I am after.

That anxiety feeling is ALWAYS with me. I have lied about that because everyone thinks that it comes from something they did or are doing. It's not. It is a constant. My meds were OK when I was a hermit. Now they aren't. So I need them reworked. Mostly I need something for the physical feelings of fear. Those feelings are driving me nuts even when I am happy as hell. They just pop up and they stay until they feel like leaving. Nothing usually triggers them, and not much seems to alleviate them. It just takes the edge off to take medication. I need more than that.

Anyway, here are the facts. I need to stop acting like this. It's not right and nobody deserves to have to put up with it. I can't act like I am always under attack and am always at risk. I understand what I do. I understand most of why I do it. I just don't know how to stop. That is why I am getting help.

I love Tricia. But when I love I just expect to lose. That's not fair to her or the kids. I stopped even trying to love for a while because I just assumed I would get hurt. And I thought that I had learned during that time. I was wrong. And that mistake is not something I can excuse for myself.

So there you have it. I am fucked up. I hope I won't always be.

Well, I know everyone that knows both of us hates me. I don’t blame you. I hate me too. The difference is, of course, I have always hated me. Most of you just started now.

The fact is I am an emotional mess. You all know how insecure I am. I made so many mistakes I can’t even count them. The biggest one is that I have no concept of trust. I could sit here and make excuses for that, but they are all bullshit. No matter what someone does to me, I am responsible for what I do. I hold it all in out of fear and because I think that is what I am supposed to do. And then it gets to be too much. Nobody understands why I get upset when I do, and I can’t explain it.

I am not a healthy person. Oh, I know I am better than I was. None of you knew me then. Imagine my outbursts 10 times as insane and 100 times more common. I had 30 years of anger inside me, and I never really let it go. It would just erupt and I held on to it. My anger kept me safe because it made me dangerous. I can see that in some people now and I feel bad for them because the fact is, they are just scared. All anger is is a defense mechanism triggered by fear.

I will tell you, I am still scared. I have never really had anyone be honest and faithful to me. I have done a lot of reading about conditioning and I see what my problem is. If you keep giving someone the same result to a situation, they will come to expect it. I see it in Khan. When he sees a man holding a leash he expects to get beat. It is incredibly sad. For me, when I cannot see and touch my love, or when she is with another man, I expect to get betrayed. That is not fair, and it’s not right.

The reason I decided long before all this to go in to therapy was to break that conditioning. I am tired of being scared all the time. I have been lying to everyone about being OK. I live my life scared. I know no good way to explain it. I can just say to imagine you are on the scariest ride you ever ride, and you are at the scariest point for you. That is how I feel all the time. You want to know why a missed dose of medication wrecks me? It’s because the meds are barely taking the edge off. They are the difference for me between living and dying, and I know it.

I am not going to try to ask any of you to forgive me because forgiveness is something I don’t deserve. Frankly I am amazed that anyone would even talk to me. Well, I guess only Tricia is, and that says something. We have both been hurt and angry, and have both said and done some mean things. But we also both never stopped loving each other. I know some of you really don’t think we belong together and don’t want us together. That is OK, and it’s your opinion. But if you can’t support what we are trying to do, at least don’t try to pry us apart.

We both see we need to respect the fact the other has things that have to be dealt with, and we are both willing to support each other while we deal with them. This is not going to be easy. We both have a lot more baggage than average. And neither of us has ever really dealt with a lot of it. It will take a lot of work and courage. I doubt any of you really understand what I mean by that because you aren’t in our minds. But for both of us what goes on inside our mind is often something we don’t wish on anyone.

I don’t know how this is going to end. I know that for it to work we both have a lot we have to do, and we have both been there before and both know there are times we will just want to give up. Our job is to help each other so we don’t give up. Before neither of us really had support from the people we needed supporting us. This time I hope it’s different. I also know we will both have to accept some very tough decisions.

You don’t have to agree with what we decide. I know you say and do what you do because you care about Tricia. Just please respect what we both want and what we believe in, and support her. She will need encouragement at times, as will I. And I can speak for myself when I say that people who aren’t being supportive won’t be around me. You can disagree with me all you want, but I am not going to let someone stand in my way of being the man I need to be to be with Tricia.

I know it is hard to believe, but I love Tricia with all my heart. I reacted like I did because I felt like that love was betrayed and I was not respected. But I wouldn’t even still be here if I didn’t love her.