Answer this for me
Tuesday, December 18, 2007
They started giving me pills in college. I couldn't tell you what they were except they were small, red and made me overheat in a town that already hit the hundreds at a job involving heavy lifting. They also had the wonderful side-effects of causing minor trembling of my hands and constant thirst. As you can imagine this makes certain things, like playing poker, interesting, as people assume I am shaking because I'm scared when I'm really just shaking because I'm shaking. Even better, all of these side-effects is permanent. From the age 21 on I have had hands that shake like an old man and, regardless of my weight or physical condition, I sweat like a pig.
Now I am on more pills and, as you can imagine, they too have the same side-effects. They make the conditions worse and, yes, they too are permanent. There are times I cannot write or eat with a fork because my hands are shaking. I am not sure most people can imagine how embarrassing that is for a man in his 30's at a business lunch. I've seen the look in the eyes of strangers and associates wondering what is wrong with me. Sometimes to vent the physical tension that builds from all these shakes and twitches I am forced to let my leg hop. You can sometimes get away with that without anyone thinking anything of it. But, in general, some part of my body is always in motion.
I can tell something nobody else has noticed as well. It is affecting my voice. I can hear the pitch vary and there are times I feel as if I can barely talk at all. Given that I have a job where selling is key, this is not a good thing. Most of my day is meant to be spent making deals, arranging deals, facilitating deals or closing deals. I do this with my voice. I was a champion in speech and debate, and now I sound so unsure I couldn't win an argument with my son.
I guess the question is this: "Is all of this worthwhile?" In my case it is too late because it is permanent, progressive and likely to combine with a genetic trait in the men in my family. But when this all started, should I not have been given the choice to decide if I wanted to have hands that shook so badly I can sometimes not take a decent photo of my family and friends? I am already so bad that many people around me assume I have Parkinson's (thanks Michael J. Fox).
I have to tell you I am more likely to believe the medicine is and was a mistake. The positive results are minimal and the side-effects fairly extreme. I haven't even mentioned the damage these kinds of drugs can do to your liver. My anxiety comes and goes regardless of whether or not I take those pills. In fact, forgetting to take them is less likely to be a trigger than remembering I forgot. And since they damage the liver, I'm not supposed to drink. But a couple of beers (a noted depressant) will relax me more than the pills ever could.
Of course, beer is a bad drug, possibly because I can get it at the store for $6. What they have me on are good drugs because they are provided by Walgreens for the cost of my co-pay (a shitload more than $6 when you add all 5 drugs). See, if I "need" a couple of beers at night, I am an alcoholic, and it's bad to be an addict. But these pills aren't addictive. Just don’t stop taking them suddenly or you will feel very physically ill for an extended period...
I have gone literally months without drinking beer, and never had a problem. Even after drinking some every night for months I have stopped cold and never felt a craving or any illness. But once I did run out of medication in college. I almost ended up in the hospital. My doctor was very angry with me for letting such a thing happen. Shouldn't I have been mad at him for giving me pills that if I missed them would make me ill?
I have gone literally months without drinking beer, and never had a problem. Even after drinking some every night for months I have stopped cold and never felt a craving or any illness. But once I did run out of medication in college. I almost ended up in the hospital. My doctor was very angry with me for letting such a thing happen. Shouldn't I have been mad at him for giving me pills that if I missed them would make me ill?
I have also drunk way too much beer and gotten sick. The end result was some puking (more than just a little); a rough night's sleep and dry mouth with a headache in the morning. Now, what would happen if I took way too many of these pills they give me? If I got lucky I'd have some puking (more than just a little), a rough night's sleep and dry mouth with a headache in the morning. More than likely I'd be in a hospital, assuming someone got to me in time, on life support while they tried to figure out if there was anything left of my brain.
A big part of me is looking back at the last 16-years of my life and, short of having my son, they were wasted. I tried medication but, in reality, it in ineffective at best and is pure placebo, meaning those with true problems will just get frustrated. I have done various damages to my body and I believe the most serious were medically induced. I believed there was an answer in the pills, and now that they have had me on them for all this time they say "there is no pill to make your anxiety go away". Then what is the fucking point? Did they do this all just to get me in the system, milk me and my insurance for years and see how long it would take me to figure out the game?
I am a man who has dated strippers, former strippers and probably a couple of future strippers. Those girls are generally masters of mind games and playing with your head and your heart. But I have to tell you that, compared to the psychiatric community, they are nothing. I have seen psychiatrists keep people on medications for decades. Eventually a stripper either has all you have to offer or she's found someone with more to offer.
Do you want to know why so many people keep going back to hospitals and keep attempting suicide? It is because they have become institutionalized. They believe in a system because that system has convinced them it is their only hope. It is like a kid with Santa Clause. They believe even when their mind has told them not to because they just want so badly for it to be true. I swear to you it is more like a franchise cult than a medical practice. The difference is, nobody would dare take a TV commercial for a cult seriously, yet people are going in to their doctor every day asking for the new drug they saw on TV last night that will make their life all sunshine and butterflies.''
And that pill won't do a damn thing the other pill didn't do.
posted by R. U. Serious at 12/18/2007 08:25:00 PM
I'm R. U. Serious
From United States
I have nothing to say. I plead the 5th.
1 Comments:
Noticed you haven't blogged in a while...I hope everything is okay with you.....
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