Scared Bunny

I don’t think some people realize just how hard it really is to put the past behind you.

These days you can locate just about anyone you have ever come in to contact with if you are willing to try. And it seems everyone has a MySpace or a Facebook where they are talking about what is going on in their lives. That's all well and good if it's an old friend you want to get in touch with. But what if it is someone you need to stay in your past?

Lately I have struggled with my past. What I have never really mentioned here is that, with the exception of one woman, all of the women who truly make up my past are in this area. Even my first real girlfriend from high school lives near here, and I went to high school 800 miles away. Common sense tells me to run, but I can't. I am not going to do to my son what my father did to me. I am not going to put distance between us because it is more convenient.

Most of this weekend he wanted to just be next to me. It wasn't always comfortable because I was getting pretty hot, but the fact he wants to be there means so much. At the same time, I don't even want to be in the same state as my father, and I would be hard pressed not to hit him were we in the same room.

As I struggle at work and with my emotions I realize the easiest thing in the world would be to run. But I just can't do it. I may not be the greatest dad, but I am still a dad, and he deserves to have me there with him as he gets older. Financially I would be better off, and he would be better off, if I left. But there are things he needs money can’t buy that I just don't see him getting from his step-father.

This is a real struggle. I still believe in positivity but I am taking some real hard shots right now. I've fought through a lot before, but for some reason I feel more on the edge now than at any other time. I am in the middle of a perfect storm where my past errors have collided with an economy that makes my job difficult. My childhood magnifies money fears. I am afraid for both my son and myself right now. Deep down I know he will be OK. And deep down I know something will come up. But right now it’s scary and I am just beat down by it all.

I think what people don't get is that I am not tired of fighting this battle. I am tired of fighting. I am tired of fighting for my sanity. I am tired of fighting for my happiness. I am tired of fighting for my health. I am just tired of fighting. I once was told the most dangerous man in the world is a man with nothing to lose. Frankly, that is the point I feel I am approaching. It's as if I am losing what it will take to keep my son and that is the last straw. I feel like I've lost everything else.

I'd say that when the idea of living off of handouts and just wandering seems appealing, you are approaching rock bottom. And maybe I need to hit rock bottom. When the idea of joining the military to go fight a war you don't support seems like a plan, something is not right. Both of those plans have crossed my mind, and do so with more and more frequency. I am supposedly an intelligent and educated man, and these are the plans I am coming up with. Something is very wrong.

Is anybody listening?