Scared Bunny

I have finally found a cure to my anxiety. Well, not a cure, but a control. If I keep myself productive at work, I stay calm. I am not sure if writing will work or not, but I am going to try. What I do know is that working means making more money and more money means less stress. I am paid on a commission so, needless to say, I get worried some months. It's a curse. We have people here making millions, so there is an incentive to work. Others barely make enough to cover their base.

What is real funny is how I can make all that money. The key is sitting on the phone all day. So I'm at my desk with the Bluetooth headset just like the Time/Life operators from those old commercials selling books about plumbing. The difference is I am selling millions of dollars to people who own more than I will ever imagine owning. That and we don’t use those odd pictures of strangely blank white guys in our reading materials.

The funny thing is, sometimes I can be working and really achieving nothing, but it still relaxes me. It's my mind that is the problem. If it's kept busy it doesn't trigger the physical discomfort. It's a tricky thing to master though because I am a master at switching between multiple thoughts very quickly. I used to believe I could actually think of more than one thing at once, but I now realize I am just one of those blessed with a quick mental trigger. In the past it has been a great benefit, but now it is a pain. I flip back and forth from good (or sometimes blank) thoughts to bad ones.

It’s just tough right now for me. I am re-training my mind and I know now that no pill can do it and really no therapist. I have to do it myself. It's just like my getting back in shape. Every day I have to do that cardio whether I feel like it or not. I have to make myself get off the couch and get on the bike. Well, in the car, in the gym and then on the bike. I really think that I understand now why programs have partners and they urge people to join a gym with a buddy. It’s about accountability. Having someone with you going through it would make all the difference. That said, I don’t want some crazy chick as a sponsor. The sane women won’t touch me, and I don’t blame them. A male sponsor in intriguing, but the whole naked in the locker room thing is awkward.

At home it's harder. My house is empty and I can't ignore that. A home for 5 or more has 1, and that makes me depressed and anxious. I swear I want a studio when I move. OK, not that small, but I may even go 1 bedroom just because there is no need for another. My son loves to sleep either on the couch or in my huge bed, so why not (other than where to keep his stuff.). I can just feel the absence of people in that house. Now I understand why a house feels haunted. It's not ghosts. It's that the life that should be there just isn’t. That leaves us as intruders on their turf. No spirits are involved, but we sense spiritual emptiness, and it scares us.

Labels: anxiety, emotions, life, mind control