Scared Bunny

I am in a weird mood right now.

To be honest I am in neither a good mood nor a bad mood. I have been exchanging emails with someone and knowing they are happy and I’m not doesn’t make me feel better. I know it’s selfish but I kind of felt like it was twisting the knife, even though it was just a statement of fact. I don’t want to be with the person, but I want to be missed. I want them to want to be with me even though they can’t be. I am being a selfish bastard and I know it, but it’s true.

I am not numb. I’ve been there, and that is usually a medication issue. I feel, but I don’t know what I feel. I’m not anxious. I’m not depressed. I want certain things to happen, but that isn’t an emotion. I am, in the truest sense of the word, just being. I am keeping myself busy and have plans to do so over the weekend as well. I have a plan to start my weight loss. I have an idea on my exercise. In short I am doing what I need to do. But it’s not giving me satisfaction, nor is it making me feel weak or helpless.

I am making moves for the future that, if they pay off, will help alleviate so much stress. On the other hand I am aware that much of my fate is beyond my control. I am aware, but only mildly afraid. I can only do so much and the rest is up to the universe. Maybe that book “The Secret” is right. Keep on trying and have the right attitude and it comes back to you. When I was down I got nowhere. We’ll see what this gets me.

I have but one goal. I have to get financially strong enough that my son wants for nothing. When he said he would miss me this weekend it didn’t make me cry. I was happy for once, because he never says that. I can tell he really wants to be with me, which is more than I can say for most people. One day he will be someone great. He may not be famous, but he will be a great man other men will look up to. And I will look on with pride wondering how he ever got there.

Labels: life, medication, relationships, stress