Scared Bunny

I was reading one of those: How does your birth order impact your personality in relationships pieces, and now I'm confused.

First, understand my dilemma. I was a first born. BUT, there were multiple miscarriages before me. Then my mother remarried and I was a middle child. Then my siblings were kidnapped and I was an only child again. But they were found, so I was back in the middle. Then the younger one was kidnapped again, and I was the youngest.

So where, exactly, do I fit?

My therapist says most of what makes your personality is formed by age 5, so we can eliminate everything starting with the remarriage. But was I a first born, middle child, youngest or only child. Surely the miscarriages affected how I was raised. But does that mean I was pushed more toward an only or a first born. Was a coddled like a last born? I am confused.

Even worse, I meet the criteria for a First, part of a second and most of only. The charm thing for a third is something I have been told, but I feel I have lost that over the last couple of years. In fact, a friend of mine pointed out when we went to watch a fight that I have no charm at all when it comes to women. Frankly I didn't give a shit since I wasn't looking to meet anyone. Maybe they are all just expecting men to push and try too hard and I'm not going to do it.

It's very strange for me because I am not at all interested in dating or a relationship. Everywhere you go, when you meet someone of the opposite sex you are expected to try to impress them. What they get from me is the same thing a casual guy friend would get. I make smart ass remarks and if you make an ass of yourself I laugh at you and make fun of you for the rest of the night over it. In short, I treat everyone like a guy. And, even worse, I am not interested in making these people friends usually because I know I'll never see them again. Why would I? I don't live in a bar, grocery store, restaurant…

I am not looking for a girlfriend, a hook-up, a friend with benefits or anything. That part of me right now is TOTALLY dead. I know the faithful readers, or those who read the real old archives will have a hard time believing this, but I have almost no interest in sex. And I think that if I did develop an interest nothing would come of it. It would be lame to end up in bed with me right now. I'd never make a move on you and spend an hour or more tossing while I tried to fall asleep.

This is a person I don't understand or really like. Neither of those is a change, but the person is a change. I'm told I am making progress, but maybe I just put myself out there less. I don't even really know anymore. I do know that I am not the same person, and whatever defines who we are has me in a spot where I can be multiple people and not like any of them.

I think it's time to take off my shoes and rest my feet. Maybe that will relax me.

Labels: birth order, dating, life, relationships