Scared Bunny

I love the way people are trying to get me to start dating again.

Don't get me wrong. I still appreciate a hot woman. And I am still a hornball just like the next guy. But I am not interested in dating. I have found that if I stop for even a minute, and don't keep myself occupied, my anxiety jumps and then I'm a mess. I even enjoy making cold calls at work because it fights off the anxiety. But the causes of my anxiety would be right in front of me if I were dating. The anxiety isn't about Tricia. It's about me. She didn't personally cause them. The fact that I was dating and then married caused them.

But people, including my shrink, keep asking me if I've tried this, that or the other thing. Let me ask you this; can you see me being a church guy? I have a blog full of the word fuck and comments about anal sex. While lots of church guys are like that in private, I am just like that period. And bars? You think I would ever trust a woman I picked up in a bar? I would assume any time she went to a bar without me she was trying to get picked up. After all, I did it.

But the best suggestion was online. With one exception (Heather, or She Who Shall Not Be Named) every single story in this blog involves an online hookup to at least some degree. So we kind of have a track record there. We have the women who were married and told me they weren't. We have the women who were married but said they were separated. We have hard core no lube anal girl. We have a woman who I broke up with who, despite pledging she wanted to marry me was claiming to be in love with another guy less than a week later. And… Well, you get the idea.

Unless my new psychiatrist comes up with a med that blocks the physical symptoms of anxiety, there is no way I can date unless it's one off and I never think about them again. I don't do that very well though. If I like them I get attached. Then the anxiety hits because I don't feel worthy. It hits because I don't trust. It hits because I am expecting to get hurt again.

People don't understand that. It's not always my thoughts that are triggering this bullshit. I am pretty nervous physically sometimes even when I am not thinking about anything negative. Even when it's thought triggered it may not be a negative thought. Sometimes I need to be doing something, but at the same time can't get myself motivated to do it because I am so anxious I just feel like walking around almost in circles.

I'm seriously worried about myself, and I am not sure people see that. I can't show it at work because I could lose my job. At home nobody is there. I sure as hell can't call friends and say “Guess what. I'm turning circles in the living room!” It's bad enough my dog does that when he takes a dump.

I am isolated because I have to be with someone that makes me feel safe just to not feel insane. People don't understand that and how do you tell someone “Sorry. I don't feel safe with you emotionally.” That is a pretty harsh thing to say, to be honest. But with all but a handful of people, it is the absolute truth.

It's not always that they scare me either. It is that I need to draw on their strength to feel safe. My son calms me some because he won't hurt me. But he can only do so much to comfort and protect me emotionally. My mother… well, she is the root of much of my neurosis, so the fact she may be better now doesn't change that. My Dad is sometimes the only one I feel safe around within the family.

It's all so complicated and confusing. It's bad enough I have even wondered about ECT to see if it will slow my thoughts. My quick wits have always been a source of pride, but my conscious cannot keep up and keeping bad ideas under control is impossible. The mind may only be able to think one thing at a time, but what it thinks can be hard to control. My therapist has tricks that help when I'm there, but they don't seem up to the task in the real world.

One of these days I have to get better. Because I can't live the rest of my life like this.

Labels: anxiety, dating, life, medication, relationships