Scared Bunny

Right now only one thing is keeping me alive. Every time I consider killing myself I can think of all of those pills. I can think of ramming that Lexus in a cement pylon at 100 mph. I can see hanging myself from the attic. I can even see slashing my wrists. But more than that I see the sweet smiling face of that beautiful child I am raising. I can’t even consider doing anything that would erase that smile from his face. I can’t imagine him growing up with just that hint of pain that you see in some people’s eyes when you know something bad happened to them.

I have known people who have that sad look in their eyes that, no matter what is going on around them and how happy they are at that moment, there is a sadness that tells you something dark in their past will always keep them from ever being truly happy. There is someone like that on my mind right now. I can see it in her eyes. Eyes that burn deep in to my soul. And perhaps it is because I know it exists in my eyes that it is impossible for me to let her go.

For she and I I know why there is a sadness that pervades our souls. And in our cases I also know why she has an anger, and why I had an anger, that just erupts at times. I have a sweet little 8 year old son that deserves to grow up without that sadness, and who should never feel that burning anger. And it is because of that face, the most precious face I have ever seen, that I am alive. He has no idea how crucial he is to my survival, and I will never tell him. But that face is the reason there is one more person on their earth than there would be right now.