Scared Bunny

You know I have to say it kind of frustrates me when people want me to date, or assume I am dating, or any of that. Dating is the furthest thing from my mind right now. I am really just focusing on work, getting healthy and my son.

Even if I wanted to date I couldn’t do it. When I think about being in a relationship it is all I can do to not have a panic attack. I don’t mean dating as a concept. I mean I can see people dating and all that. But if I think about me actually being involved with someone the physical symptoms start up. It is God’s way or my mind’s way or whatever of telling me to stay single. It’s not exactly something I am happy about, but it sure does make the decision easy.

I am not in any condition to be in a relationship. It’s kind of funny though because I am doing real well at work. I am having fun with my son. For the most part I am taking care of myself, my house and everything like that. I am even getting a decent tan. But this one area of my life is just not right, and I have to accept that.

My therapy kicks in to high gear soon. They are going to be using hypnosis to get me relaxed enough to get past my mental barriers and find out why I am like this. I am not talking the “you will quack like a duck when I say watermelon”. This is the kind of hypnosis where they are really just trying to get you to relax and focus. My doctor thinks I will be very responsive because I seem to be able to enter the state already.

The cool thing is not that I would be able to have a relationship if it works though. I know it seems strange, but that is not why I am doing it. I am really just tired of the anxious feeling in the pit of my stomach. I just want to be healthy. I really am not doing this for any other reason. And I have to say this is the first time I ever went in to therapy with a specific goal.

In the past my goals, if I had any, were vague. The first time I wanted to know why I was so angry, and they gave me an answer. Of course they didn’t do anything to make it any better. They never even really got specific with the causes. But they did a bang up job of making me angrier and meaner.

The second time I never found the right therapist. I wanted to “be healthy” but had no idea what that meant. I was always working on what was going on right that moment, even when I was doing ok with things. I needed a solution and understanding, and instead I got coping mechanisms related to things I wasn’t dealing with and advice to “get out more.

This time I know what I am trying to do, and my therapist is working with me on it. I want to first deal with anxiety, but not through just coping mechanisms but with a permanent treatment. If that means I need to revisit my past I will. If that means dealing with some ugly truths, I will. Only then can I learn why my ways of thinking are wrong and learn new better ways of seeing the world.

I think too many therapists are trying to find easier ways to deal with their patients’ issues. If the issues are minor then little coping tricks really can work. Some people just need someone to listen to them. It’s like the old ladies who get their hair done every week not because it needs done, but because they crave the physical contact.

I have a therapist who seems to like to get down in the trenches and fight the wars that need fought. I am not saying she couldn’t help a housewife who just feels unappreciated. I mean that she seems to have a mindset of finding real problems, real causes and real solutions. It makes me feel better about myself, and I see a light at the end of the tunnel.

It’s such a change, yet I still have so far to go.

Labels: anxiety, fear, life, relationships, single, therapy