Scared Bunny

I started many times to write an entry. A lot of things I have seen and heard would have made good entries. But today something happened that I knew would happen, but wasn’t really ready for.

If you have read all my entries I have probably mentioned on more than one occasion that the mother-in-law from my first marriage was not a woman I had a good relationship. In fact, we never got along, and I had known her since I was in middle school. I was always a bit of an outsider, and she was always striving to be among the popular families. As you can imagine that guaranteed a clash, so when I married her daughter there were going to be problems.

But today she succumbed to sickness she has had as long as I have known her. It was the first time my son, who is 8, ever really had to deal with death. He had lost his great-grandmother, but they were never close, and that loss was much more about his seeing the effect it had on the family. This time it was dealing with the loss of a woman he knew well and loved.

This is a woman that he would spend days at a time with when his mother had to travel. She would make plans for weeks as to what they would be doing. She would make sure to have new toys, games and puzzles at her house, even though she had no other use for them. And she would spend this time keeping him occupied even though her health was never the best and he has endless energy.

When his mother would need to leave for a few days and he would need to go to school she would sometimes volunteer to stay at his house and watch him so they could travel and he could still make it to school. While they didn’t live states away, they are easily an hour from where he lives, and away from what little she knew of the metroplex. But she always volunteered.

I used to resent a lot of that time because it was time he could have spent with me. I was selfish and truly wanted al the extra time for myself. I would even convince myself that she only volunteered because she didn’t want me to have that time. Our relationship has not gotten better over the years since the divorce, and I admit I thought the worst.

But today, when I had to tell my son that his beloved meemaw had passed away, he just wanted to cry and be held. He needed to be held. A woman he truly loved is gone, and he knows that he will never again get that time with her. He told me how much he would miss meemaw watching him during the day so he could see peepaw at night. And I knew that he had a bond with her that was very special. With that precious little boy in my arms crying on my shoulder I knew I had wronged that woman in my head and my heart. And there is no way I can take any of it back or make up for it.

So, Kathy, I am truly sorry for all I did, said and thought. You will be missed, and when you left a small part of a little boy’s heart went with you. I know you are looking down and always will be. Know that he loved you dearly, and he always will.