Therapy begins
Wednesday, April 11, 2007
Well, Monday was my first session with my therapist. You remember how, in school, on the first day you didn't do shit. Hell, in college the TA would hand out and go over the syllabus and then you left. Well, this therapist was not like that.
She asked me why I was there. I explained my severe anxiety and how it caused me to hurt the woman I love, and she said "OK, let's go over your childhood and see why you have no self worth." Just like that we were in the serious shit.
OK, I didn't tell her 2 things. I never mentioned the fact I was made to believe I was sexually abused. And I never mentioned that my mother insisted I had watched as she was sexually abused and beaten. I figured I'd wait on that because I am not sure that what I was told happened was as important as what I remembered happening.
So I told her the whole story, from about 4 to about 14. And, as I went through it, she pointed out examples of how things that happened convinced me I was worth less than everyone else. She also told me how a couple of things pretty much had to have been terrifying to a child. I am not telling the stories here because the point of this blog is not sympathy. The point is to tell what happened in therapy.
Anyway, after we established I had no self-esteem and that I had traded anger as a defense mechanism for a life of fear, she talked to me about my marriage. She tried to get me to see how what I say and do makes Tricia feel. I am not going to say I was in her mind, because you really can't be. But I do se how all I have done hurts and frustrates her.
Basically what I got out of it is that, right now, I am not a good husband, because to be a good husband you have to have enough self respect and self esteem. Without it you will just wait for things to go wrong because that is what happens to people who are worthless.
She also tried to get me to learn to replace negative fantasies with positive ones, but that is some hard shit to do. Right now I am just trying to stop the negative thoughts. That alone isn't easy, and I swear if I do some of those things people watching me will think I'm nuts. But the people who know me already think I'm nuts, so I guess it doesn't matter.
The other piece of news came today when I decided to call he and get her thoughts on my meeting with my psychiatrist on Friday. I feel like I need to be more medicated.Hell, I'd take numb if it meant not having physical feelings of fear for no good reason.
Like almost every therapist I have met, she is not big on drugs. She thinks that masking the pain makes the work harder. However, in my case, she said I was so "emotionally fragile" that I needed to get more agrressive medication from my doc.
While that sounds like a plan, it kinda scares me that an anti-drug therapist thinks I need more drugs. I guess I just trust the experts.
She asked me why I was there. I explained my severe anxiety and how it caused me to hurt the woman I love, and she said "OK, let's go over your childhood and see why you have no self worth." Just like that we were in the serious shit.
OK, I didn't tell her 2 things. I never mentioned the fact I was made to believe I was sexually abused. And I never mentioned that my mother insisted I had watched as she was sexually abused and beaten. I figured I'd wait on that because I am not sure that what I was told happened was as important as what I remembered happening.
So I told her the whole story, from about 4 to about 14. And, as I went through it, she pointed out examples of how things that happened convinced me I was worth less than everyone else. She also told me how a couple of things pretty much had to have been terrifying to a child. I am not telling the stories here because the point of this blog is not sympathy. The point is to tell what happened in therapy.
Anyway, after we established I had no self-esteem and that I had traded anger as a defense mechanism for a life of fear, she talked to me about my marriage. She tried to get me to see how what I say and do makes Tricia feel. I am not going to say I was in her mind, because you really can't be. But I do se how all I have done hurts and frustrates her.
Basically what I got out of it is that, right now, I am not a good husband, because to be a good husband you have to have enough self respect and self esteem. Without it you will just wait for things to go wrong because that is what happens to people who are worthless.
She also tried to get me to learn to replace negative fantasies with positive ones, but that is some hard shit to do. Right now I am just trying to stop the negative thoughts. That alone isn't easy, and I swear if I do some of those things people watching me will think I'm nuts. But the people who know me already think I'm nuts, so I guess it doesn't matter.
The other piece of news came today when I decided to call he and get her thoughts on my meeting with my psychiatrist on Friday. I feel like I need to be more medicated.Hell, I'd take numb if it meant not having physical feelings of fear for no good reason.
Like almost every therapist I have met, she is not big on drugs. She thinks that masking the pain makes the work harder. However, in my case, she said I was so "emotionally fragile" that I needed to get more agrressive medication from my doc.
While that sounds like a plan, it kinda scares me that an anti-drug therapist thinks I need more drugs. I guess I just trust the experts.
posted by R. U. Serious at 4/11/2007 07:16:00 PM
I'm R. U. Serious
From United States
I have nothing to say. I plead the 5th.
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
Links to this post:
Create a Link
<< Home