Maybe I'll meet Imus or Kramer or someone
Thursday, April 12, 2007
I wish my life was like the celebrity life.
If you read this blog you know I am going through some tough shit right now. And you also know that basically it’s my fault. I never got my anxiety dealt with and now my wife and kids are dealing with it. I have almost completely lost Tricia’s trust, and I am going to be spending all my energy to regain that trust. I will be the responsible, sensitive and understanding man she deserves. I have reworked how I handle my finances so she will know we are taken care of and we will be taken care of. I am really doing a lot she can’t see, and a lot inside my head and heart nobody will ever see but me. It may be too late, but I am not going to just give up.
But if I were a celebrity this would be easy. All I would have to do is say I am sorry for what I did and then check myself in to some kind of rehab facility. It’s not like I couldn’t benefit from a stay at one of those spas posing as a hospital. Daily therapy and medical visits would sure get me through the steps to heal faster than once a week therapy and doctor visits maybe every other month. Docs who give you whatever you ask for have to be easier than a doc who is being very careful what he prescribes you and slowly adjusts dosages and medications. Not having to work would sure be nice and alleviate some stress. And everyone would just have to forgive me and treat me like nothing happened.
I mean, that’s how it works, right? If you go to therapy you’re instantly redeemed in everyone’s eyes. Hell, if you really do have a problem you are a hero for getting it taken care of, get to write a book about it and become a regular on Oprah. This shit is just insane to me. I look at these fakes who say and do things they shouldn’t, and they game the system with a fake rehab stay and go on like nothing ever happened. Meanwhile, those of us with real lives who really do see we have problems work our asses off on them and accept willingly that the people we hurt may not forgive us or ever trust us again.
This makes a mockery of what I did before and what I am trying to do now. I didn’t mess up because I have a drug or alcohol problem. I do not need to be detoxed. What I need is to first own up to what I did, second see why my problem exists in the first place, third accept that not addressing it for 36+ years is my own damn fault and last, fix the damn problem. You know I had a friend tell me that if things got too tough to handle I didn’t need to tell the docs I wanted to kill myself. What I needed to do was get totally shitfaced drunk and walk in to the ER and tell them I am an alcoholic. Once in I could get the medical treatment I have been waiting for (for those counting, 24 hours till I see my doc as I write this).
It’s just dumb. Call it drug or alcohol abuse and suddenly people are understanding and sympathetic. The system will embrace you with open arms and, if you have insurance, you won’t have to wait at all to get what you need. But if you have anxiety, or depression or anything like that, you only become a priority if you try to kill yourself or someone else.
Don’t tell me alcoholics or addicts who don’t get help are killing themselves because anyone who has severe anxiety is killing themselves too. The human heart is not meant to race 24/7. You are supposed to be able to eat a well balanced diet daily without your stomach being so tied up in knots that you can’t make yourself eat.
It pisses me off that for people to take this shit seriously you have to attempt to kill yourself. All this other crap and you just say you have a problem and you’re a hero and you’ve “taken the first step towards recovery”. With panic and anxiety you have a problem and the general reaction is “so?” I have been told to “get over it” so many times in my life it’s not even funny. Ever hear someone tell a heroin addict “just stop taking heroin and you’ll be fine”?
I swear I am about to just say it is an alcohol problem and then maybe people will give a shit.
If you read this blog you know I am going through some tough shit right now. And you also know that basically it’s my fault. I never got my anxiety dealt with and now my wife and kids are dealing with it. I have almost completely lost Tricia’s trust, and I am going to be spending all my energy to regain that trust. I will be the responsible, sensitive and understanding man she deserves. I have reworked how I handle my finances so she will know we are taken care of and we will be taken care of. I am really doing a lot she can’t see, and a lot inside my head and heart nobody will ever see but me. It may be too late, but I am not going to just give up.
But if I were a celebrity this would be easy. All I would have to do is say I am sorry for what I did and then check myself in to some kind of rehab facility. It’s not like I couldn’t benefit from a stay at one of those spas posing as a hospital. Daily therapy and medical visits would sure get me through the steps to heal faster than once a week therapy and doctor visits maybe every other month. Docs who give you whatever you ask for have to be easier than a doc who is being very careful what he prescribes you and slowly adjusts dosages and medications. Not having to work would sure be nice and alleviate some stress. And everyone would just have to forgive me and treat me like nothing happened.
I mean, that’s how it works, right? If you go to therapy you’re instantly redeemed in everyone’s eyes. Hell, if you really do have a problem you are a hero for getting it taken care of, get to write a book about it and become a regular on Oprah. This shit is just insane to me. I look at these fakes who say and do things they shouldn’t, and they game the system with a fake rehab stay and go on like nothing ever happened. Meanwhile, those of us with real lives who really do see we have problems work our asses off on them and accept willingly that the people we hurt may not forgive us or ever trust us again.
This makes a mockery of what I did before and what I am trying to do now. I didn’t mess up because I have a drug or alcohol problem. I do not need to be detoxed. What I need is to first own up to what I did, second see why my problem exists in the first place, third accept that not addressing it for 36+ years is my own damn fault and last, fix the damn problem. You know I had a friend tell me that if things got too tough to handle I didn’t need to tell the docs I wanted to kill myself. What I needed to do was get totally shitfaced drunk and walk in to the ER and tell them I am an alcoholic. Once in I could get the medical treatment I have been waiting for (for those counting, 24 hours till I see my doc as I write this).
It’s just dumb. Call it drug or alcohol abuse and suddenly people are understanding and sympathetic. The system will embrace you with open arms and, if you have insurance, you won’t have to wait at all to get what you need. But if you have anxiety, or depression or anything like that, you only become a priority if you try to kill yourself or someone else.
Don’t tell me alcoholics or addicts who don’t get help are killing themselves because anyone who has severe anxiety is killing themselves too. The human heart is not meant to race 24/7. You are supposed to be able to eat a well balanced diet daily without your stomach being so tied up in knots that you can’t make yourself eat.
It pisses me off that for people to take this shit seriously you have to attempt to kill yourself. All this other crap and you just say you have a problem and you’re a hero and you’ve “taken the first step towards recovery”. With panic and anxiety you have a problem and the general reaction is “so?” I have been told to “get over it” so many times in my life it’s not even funny. Ever hear someone tell a heroin addict “just stop taking heroin and you’ll be fine”?
I swear I am about to just say it is an alcohol problem and then maybe people will give a shit.
posted by R. U. Serious at 4/12/2007 02:52:00 PM
I'm R. U. Serious
From United States
I have nothing to say. I plead the 5th.
1 Comments:
Part of the reason you're having so much trouble gettng the help you need is because every dipshit who has a bad day has self-diagnosed themselves as depressed, anxious, whatever. There are very few who are actually ill, the rest are just too weak to deal with life. I feel for you, hang in there.
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