Scared Bunny

One reason I am having trouble writing right now is something that is hard to explain. I feel like everything on my life, with the exception of work, is on hold.

If you read this crap regularly, you know I am in therapy. Without bogging down with details of my childhood and my psychological profile, my therapist believes that certain core beliefs that are established at a very young age were seriously warped by what was going on around me at the time. I have to say it makes a lot of sense. It would explain why I am so prone to anxiety, why I view the world as a hostile place, why I have played the victim so many times and even why I am so contradictory when it comes to sexual behavior.

The problem is that now I have to learn a lot of things that most of you probably don’t even consider things that are learned. I have to admit I usually don’t even respect therapists, but this is one that does have my respect and trust. Right now she has just had to teach me how not to be anxious all the time, which is a struggle at times. Even that sentence triggered some anxiety. Then she can work on helping me develop the beliefs I need for healthy relationships and a more normal life.

I feel like I can’t do so many things until that is completed though. I am apprehensive about relationships of all sorts. I don’t want to make any major decisions while I am still in the learning process because learning the types of things established at 3 or 4 has me feeling like an emotional child. I just don’t trust my own judgment, which probably is a good thing given some of the decisions I have made.

Plus there is the fact Tricia and I exist in some sort of limbo. We are not together, yet not apart. I have not yet filed for the divorce because we do both have feelings for each other and it just doesn’t feel right to file. I am not going to tie her down though. I love her enough to let her go if that is what she wants or needs. At the same time, if she is not ready for the divorce yet I am certainly not going to file.

It’s as if I am single and married at the same time, and it just feels weird. With my first divorce I never felt “married” during the process. I realized I was a single person regardless of my legal status. We were not going to be getting back together, and I didn’t want us to get back together. I was not in a good place emotionally, but I was confident of where I stood and where we stood. This situation is very different. This time what is happening and has happened is not what either of us wants.

I even feel in limbo when it comes to where I live. If I am going to be single, I need to live in a smaller place, closer to work. But if I am married I will want to stay where the house is big, the schools are good and will just deal with the drive.

I am not going to force a decision though. I need to do what is right for Trica, the kids and I. And if that means I am in a state of limbo for a while while I learn, so be it. In the mean time I just have to sit by and learn how to accept uncertainty. I guess it’s a learning experience.

But it sucks that learning experiences have to be so hard.

Labels: confusion, life, limbo, uncertainty relationships