I am so scared
Monday, April 09, 2007
Well, today is the day I start therapy, and I am scared to death.
I woke up this morning scared. I was literally afraid to get out of bed. In my mind, as soon as I got up bad things would start happening. It didn’t matter what aspect of my life I considered, I assumed something bad would happen. I just knew that I would have trouble at work, I would have trouble with Tricia, I would feel scared all day and get even more anxious because things would be going on around me and that would stress me out. I knew my medication would not help me relax and I would just be reminded I have 4 more days to cope with a treatment that doesn’t work. I even knew that Tricia would see my anxiety and take it personally, and it would reinforce her fears.
But the fact is none of that is rational. It may be logical, but it’s not rational. I read that online. It seems my employer has a resource where I can do some cognitive behavioral therapy online. I have wanted to check in to that but couldn’t find one. I was so scared today though that I actually was looking on their web site for a number to call to try to get something, anything, to calm my nerves. But there it was. The tool I wanted to see has been there for me. I am not saying it was a godsend. The fact is all it can do is remind me that there are solutions and give me some examples of what they are. It can’t talk me down when I am stressed or show me what I am doing wrong. Basically it can give me a preview of what I can do.
At first, though, I felt better. It really reinforced what I have been trying to explain to myself and other people. Basically, I have an irrational thought brought on by some sort of stimuli. That thought grows, I get anxious and, if it gets bad enough I have an anxiety attack. And, like it or not, I cannot just stop doing it. It would be like teaching me to throw left handed. I can learn it, but it will take time and work. 36 years of doing things one way isn’t something you can just stop doing because people want you to. Not when the thoughts are automatic. And, while everyone seems to think I can just not think these things, I can’t.
That is a big part of what scares me. Everyone wants to see results and they want to see them now. Until they see them they won’t trust me and a lot of people will not be supportive. But I can’t just flip a switch. If I could I would have done it a long time ago. Hell, think about someone addicted to something. Their cravings are something they have while they get over their addiction. Nobody expects them to just stop having the cravings because they have decided to stop. The thoughts are not something I can just stop. Every therapist I have seen or read from says that. And, honestly, the body’s reaction to those thoughts is something else I cannot control because it is a learned response. I can control my actions. I have to accept that. But I know my being afraid makes people uncomfortable and I know they can sense my fear. I feel like, because I am afraid, people assume I will mess up again. And if they assume it it’s just as bad as if I actually do it. I get treated the same way.
I’m scared because the way people are going to react to me is completely beyond my control. I can only do what is right, and have no control over whether or not that even matters to them. It feels like most people have their minds made up already. The self-pitying part of me just wants a little slack. But the rational me knows that they are just reacting to how I have conditioned them. Expect John to screw up because that is what he does. Making it worse, here is one of the most common thought patterns people like me have
“I must be loved by everyone and everyone must approve of everything I do.”
Frankly I would just take not being hated and distrusted right now, but that isn’t an option for me.
Fuck, I am not supposed to get down on myself. It doesn’t help. But when people around me have problems that I contributed to, and I don’t have a solution, I feel like a pathetic piece of shit.
I woke up this morning scared. I was literally afraid to get out of bed. In my mind, as soon as I got up bad things would start happening. It didn’t matter what aspect of my life I considered, I assumed something bad would happen. I just knew that I would have trouble at work, I would have trouble with Tricia, I would feel scared all day and get even more anxious because things would be going on around me and that would stress me out. I knew my medication would not help me relax and I would just be reminded I have 4 more days to cope with a treatment that doesn’t work. I even knew that Tricia would see my anxiety and take it personally, and it would reinforce her fears.
But the fact is none of that is rational. It may be logical, but it’s not rational. I read that online. It seems my employer has a resource where I can do some cognitive behavioral therapy online. I have wanted to check in to that but couldn’t find one. I was so scared today though that I actually was looking on their web site for a number to call to try to get something, anything, to calm my nerves. But there it was. The tool I wanted to see has been there for me. I am not saying it was a godsend. The fact is all it can do is remind me that there are solutions and give me some examples of what they are. It can’t talk me down when I am stressed or show me what I am doing wrong. Basically it can give me a preview of what I can do.
At first, though, I felt better. It really reinforced what I have been trying to explain to myself and other people. Basically, I have an irrational thought brought on by some sort of stimuli. That thought grows, I get anxious and, if it gets bad enough I have an anxiety attack. And, like it or not, I cannot just stop doing it. It would be like teaching me to throw left handed. I can learn it, but it will take time and work. 36 years of doing things one way isn’t something you can just stop doing because people want you to. Not when the thoughts are automatic. And, while everyone seems to think I can just not think these things, I can’t.
That is a big part of what scares me. Everyone wants to see results and they want to see them now. Until they see them they won’t trust me and a lot of people will not be supportive. But I can’t just flip a switch. If I could I would have done it a long time ago. Hell, think about someone addicted to something. Their cravings are something they have while they get over their addiction. Nobody expects them to just stop having the cravings because they have decided to stop. The thoughts are not something I can just stop. Every therapist I have seen or read from says that. And, honestly, the body’s reaction to those thoughts is something else I cannot control because it is a learned response. I can control my actions. I have to accept that. But I know my being afraid makes people uncomfortable and I know they can sense my fear. I feel like, because I am afraid, people assume I will mess up again. And if they assume it it’s just as bad as if I actually do it. I get treated the same way.
I’m scared because the way people are going to react to me is completely beyond my control. I can only do what is right, and have no control over whether or not that even matters to them. It feels like most people have their minds made up already. The self-pitying part of me just wants a little slack. But the rational me knows that they are just reacting to how I have conditioned them. Expect John to screw up because that is what he does. Making it worse, here is one of the most common thought patterns people like me have
“I must be loved by everyone and everyone must approve of everything I do.”
Frankly I would just take not being hated and distrusted right now, but that isn’t an option for me.
Fuck, I am not supposed to get down on myself. It doesn’t help. But when people around me have problems that I contributed to, and I don’t have a solution, I feel like a pathetic piece of shit.
posted by R. U. Serious at 4/09/2007 03:28:00 PM
I'm R. U. Serious
From United States
I have nothing to say. I plead the 5th.
1 Comments:
Ya know I think it's a good sign that you already think you know what the problem is.
Do you have enough control when you're experiencing your anxiety to narrate it to yourself as its happening? If you can tell yourself what you're going to do/feel next before it happens, maybe you can eventually find a way to control it??? I'm no Dr. Phil, just trying to help.
Post a Comment
Links to this post:
Create a Link
<< Home