Scared Bunny

OK, my last post was confusing.

I wrote it after a very specific conversation, and I should know better. The fact is, It made it sound like things are settled and they aren't. Far from it. I wish they were, but they just aren't.

I have told all of you a simple truth. I need help. And for those who care, i start therapy Monday. I have no idea how that will go though because some therapists suck. I had just wanted a specific therapy but the doctor wants to see if it is what she thinks I need.

I also go back to my other doctor Friday of next week. I have been to embarassed to admit what is wrong with my medication, but here goes. Once I started my new job my anxiety kicked in full force. It was and is very hard for me to transition from working at home to working in an office. Plus I am not at all used to having people who work with me that are competing for the same business I am after.

That anxiety feeling is ALWAYS with me. I have lied about that because everyone thinks that it comes from something they did or are doing. It's not. It is a constant. My meds were OK when I was a hermit. Now they aren't. So I need them reworked. Mostly I need something for the physical feelings of fear. Those feelings are driving me nuts even when I am happy as hell. They just pop up and they stay until they feel like leaving. Nothing usually triggers them, and not much seems to alleviate them. It just takes the edge off to take medication. I need more than that.

Anyway, here are the facts. I need to stop acting like this. It's not right and nobody deserves to have to put up with it. I can't act like I am always under attack and am always at risk. I understand what I do. I understand most of why I do it. I just don't know how to stop. That is why I am getting help.

I love Tricia. But when I love I just expect to lose. That's not fair to her or the kids. I stopped even trying to love for a while because I just assumed I would get hurt. And I thought that I had learned during that time. I was wrong. And that mistake is not something I can excuse for myself.

So there you have it. I am fucked up. I hope I won't always be.