Scared Bunny

Son. I have a confession. I am writing this shortly before your 8th birthday. Over the course of the next decade your mother and I are going to tell you a shitload of lies. OK, I can’t speak for her since we aren’t together, but I will tell you right now I am going to lie to you. Let me explain.

See, there are certain things we don’t want you to do. Because of that we are going to tell you these lies. And when you get older you will realize we were full of shit. But when you get even older you will realize why we did it. You will especially understand when you have kids.

First, the big one. Sex is not a bad thing.

OK, your mom was raised to think it was, and maybe she got over that eventually, but it’s really not. We tell you to wait because we don’t want you to get some chick pregnant or to get some sort of disease. See, we know that it’s tough to be a parent when you’re both like 15 or so. We also know that it’s really shitty to have scabs on your dick. And, obviously, we don’t want you to die or get something that will make your life less than fun. But saying all that is really fucking complicated. Plus a simpler message is an easier sell. So we are going to tell you to wait. Your mom will probably say until marriage. I’ll probably say until you’re mature enough to handle it and be responsible. Of course I will always make it seem like that time isn’t here yet.

Now, if you listen to us, I am going to tell you you will look back at the chicks you could have slept with when you were younger and regret it. It’s not that they will be the love of your life, but you will realize that sex is like really fun, and all the shit we said reduced the amount of sex you will have. Heck, your mom may even tell you that you need to be a gentleman, so you won’t try to get some when you really want to. But I’ll tell you that they kind of expect you to try, so when you do it they won’t be as mad as you expect. Of course you always respect them, but a lot of them are just as interested as you are.

When you get older then your mom may keep telling you to wait until marriage. That’s OK. The good news is I’ll finally stop bullshitting you when you are on your own.

Then there is this whole drug thing. OK, don’t do heroin, meth coke or any of that shit. But the occasional use of pot is not going to ruin your life. I have actually done it. It wasn’t that big a deal. One night I was virtually comatose, but that was about it. I didn’t get addicted. I didn’t start trying harder shit. I didn’t become any more of an idiot than I already was. Hell, I know some very successful people who use pot regularly. I also know some losers who use it a lot. The secret is that it’s the people, not the pot. Losers find a way to be losers. If they don’t use pot it’s alcohol or gambling or Twinkies or something. And people who have their shit together can keep it together and still smoke a little. For the record I don’t use it myself (seriously) but that’s just a choice, and I don’t think it makes me better than anyone else.

Oh, and alcohol… well, you know I drink. In fact, I drank a lot before I could drive. So when I told you about moderation, I probably failed to mention that I didn’t learn the meaning of the word for a long time. In fact, I can still drink beer all night and get home with no problem. I never do that shit around you of course, but you may be surprised to know I drive better after a few because then I actually do follow the rules of the road. That speeding you are used to? Never happens after a few beers. Basically you just need to remember not to drink if it is going to fuck you up in some way. You shouldn’t drive drunk (even though I have). You shouldn’t lose your senses. You shouldn’t drink if it affects you the next day. But, chances are you will do all of those at some point, and chances are that you got away with it. Just remember what you are risking for yourself and others every time you take a drink. Chances are that will keep you and everyone else safe.

But, I will tell you that getting too drunk will make you sick as a dog. That part was true. You’ve probably seen that already. Yeah, it sucks. But don’t say I didn’t warn you.

We probably also told you to always tell the truth. Well, I am already admitting we lied, so you know that was bullshit. Basically you need to tell the truth unless it’s going to hurt someone. Your mom is big on the truth. Of course she also lied a lot, so you figure it out. Just don’t think lying will get you out of trouble and you’ll be fine. When you lie assume you will get caught. That way, if you do, you won’t have really fucked yourself over and turned one problem in to two. By the way, you will lie to your kids about some things, but mostly because it’s really mean to tell them the truth sometimes.

I am sure there are more, and I don’t just mean that whole Santa Claus thing. I really am sorry we lied. OK, that was another one.

If I forgot any, remind me.

I really should be in bed. I am getting a head cold or sinus infection or something, so I am starting to feel like shit. I even took some medicine hoping it would help me feel better. Not sure if it did, but it did manage to make me both drowsy and edgy at the same time, which really sucks. These are the kind of nights when you really want that special someone next to you. It is awful being alone when you need to be in bed but bed doesn’t feel right.

Unfortunately for me, current circumstances mean that I am alone in my bed at night. My girlfriend has to sleep at her house, and I have to sleep at mine. Now, I know some of you think I should have my dog sleep next to me, but most of you are just really sick. OK, maybe that wasn’t what you meant. But my dog smells like a dog and is shedding like hell, so he will not be getting on my bed. Plus, I really need someone I can hold while I sleep, and I do not want to hold the dog.

So instead I am up, ripping CD’s to load my new iPod and writing. I actually just finished writing to my girlfriend (yes, I write to her every night even though we talk on the phone constantly). But I am still in a writing mood. Not a lot on my mind, but my fingers need to be typing and my brain needs to string words together. I am actually kind of amazed that the words are in some sort of coherent order given the fact that the meds really did make me drowsy. In fact, the keyboard is even a little blurry.

Maybe I should try to sleep and see what happens. It’s not like this makes any sense.

OK, this is going to be brief.

First, I jumped the gun. I should not have referred to the one woman that matters as an ex, because, well, she'’s not. We had an argument but we have worked it out. When you are an insecure paranoid asshole, you can be hard to deal with at times. But we got past it and, I think, have agreed how to deal with things. I will have to get some of my shit under control if I want to keep her, and, well, I do want to keep her as long as she'’ll have me.

Second, let me explain something. If I can’t be totally honest I can'’t write. But I am not going to keep a blog that is a secret from the person I care about. That wouldn'’t be fair. If I am going to put our shit out there, I owe it to her to let her know. Actually in this case I think a lot of what I can't say now will be something I can say later. I just have to protect her somewhat. If I say what I am thinking then certain other problems will crop up. I can’t do that to her.

And, Meka, I do love to write. I need to write. I may not be able to write about some things. Maybe I need to start a book or something. I wonder if anyone would buy a book I wrote. I'd even write a book about the crazy exes if people would read it. Mostly because I want to be rich and famous.

Sorry, could have just put this in the forum.

I think I may have to just end this blog.

The reality of this blog is that a big reason I started it was to let out what is on my heart, and I just can’t do that here. Too many people that know me read this blog and, even more, respond and react to what I write. I have to censor myself. I can’t be honest and open. Without that, what is the point? Sure, I could just keep telling the stories, but that bores the hell out of me. Except for how those experiences have shaped who I am, both positively and negatively, I don’t give a shit.

None of my exes matter to me. Only one woman matters to me. Well, I guess she is an ex, so one of them matters. In fact, the only time I think of any of them is when I am trying to understand why I am the way I am, or to explain to someone what events have shaped me.

I have had far too many exes, and with all of them come regrets. In some ways this blog was created to lighten the burden of those regrets. It was also a way for me to make something positive, if somewhat cynical, out of the mess I had allowed my life to be. I wanted to believe that something besides insecurity and paranoia could come out of all those experiences.

But there really isn’t any way for this blog to accomplish any of that anymore. I can’t be candid because if I do I will have to deal with people from the past that, for whatever reason, will not remain in the past. And there are those in the present that I would never subject to the kind of ridicule this blog is known for. I care for them far too deeply.

Ultimately I have realized that the problem is I can either be honest in the blog and dishonest to the people in my life, or I can be dishonest to myself and censor what I write and think. Frankly, neither is a good option.

My emotions run very deep. It was that depth that allowed me to write most of what was shared here. But that same depth means that what I am thinking at the time I write can be very hard on those I love. They don’t want what is going on between us written about, so I don’t write about it. But when I have exorcised the past, that leaves the present.

I am not saying I won’t keep writing here, but I also am not sure what I would write. I know the original intent and theme really can’t work anymore.

Tell me what you think.

People have been kind of wondering why I don’t write more. I need to explain.

First, I am in a relationship. I am not going to do anything to sabotage it. I don’t think she’s crazy, so that right there would mean she wouldn’t qualify for the blog anyway. Now there are people I could write about, and I probably will eventually. But if I did it right now it would cause drama in our relationship, and that would be bad. Now, eventually I will be able to make fun of some of the people. A lot of them really deserve it. We actually do make fun of them in private.

But the issue is a very important one. If you have a blog, and people know about it, you have to be careful. When I wrote about exes it wasn’t that risky. Only a couple of them knew about the blog and I always used enough discretion to not make it obvious who they were. Heck, I had certain stories where more than one person asked if I was writing about them. That told me I was doing OK with protecting their anonymity, even in those cases where they didn’t deserve it.

But you can’t very well write about the people close to you and pretend it’s anonymous. I mean if I were to write about how great my girlfriend is in bed, people would know whom I meant. In this case the issue is that is I mentioned the people with the really interesting stories also know about my blog. If I wrote here what I think and what is going on, that would just be rude. And while being rude doesn’t usually stop me, it does when it means those people will then fuck with my girlfriend.

So, I know what you are saying: “Why don’t you tell us about your strip club adventures?” I don’t have any. The truth is, I don’t visit strip clubs when I am in a relationship. I could. Heck, the woman I am seeing says she wouldn’t mind. But the fact is, stripping is part of the sex trade, and I just don’t like to be involved in anything sexual with anyone besides the person I am with. I may not be a guy who gets head from strippers, but it still doesn’t seem right to me, so I don’t do it. I don’t fault guys that do because I know it is just my internal feelings.

And the fact is I really am just not that interested in writing stories right now. When I do write it is to my girlfriend. I try to write something for her every night. Right now we can’t spend as much time together as we’d like. Writing to her is a lot like holding her. It is probably as close as I can get to her when she isn’t here. It means a lot to me to be able to share with her, and I’d rather use my energy doing that. I could write something for this blog every day, but it would be painfully dull.

Besides, I do not really want to think about exes, and those are the stories people like. The only stories about exes I think about are to try to explain why I think the way I do. And they are just parts of the past that I share with her, not the focus. This blog is popular when I am talking about some freak I dated. I don’t want to think about that any more than I have to. I really am not the least bit interested in thinking about anything I did in the past. What I am doing now means much more to me.

So I don’t know what I am going to write here, or how often. Eventually I will be able to tell a couple of stories, but not soon. So check back. I may just start talking about relationships in general. Of course, if I do, don’t assume any problems I describe are something I am experiencing, because I really doubt it will be anything like that. If we have a problem, we actually talk about it. And, amazingly, I don’t get hit when I do it. Amazing, huh?

Tell me about your bacon addiction in the forums.