Can I piss in peace?
Friday, April 28, 2006
But tonight is different. This is one of those nights where I just have to write. It’s not that there is a story or anything. Hell, to be honest, nothing really happened. But suddenly I had this huge mood swing. I really think it’s something that has been building in me.
For the past few weeks I have been having a ton of dreams where I was married to my ex. It’s been very strange because I can’t really say that I miss my ex wife. Our marriage was a bad match. I had the far more serious problems, but we weren’t meant to be. In fact, the only good thing about our match is that our genes somehow combined to create an incredible kid. I am not even sure how it worked, but he got the best of both of us.
I can tell, though, that this whole dream thing means something needs to be dealt with, and I am not really sure what. I am not even sure it really has to do with my ex-wife exactly. It seems like it does, but heaven knows that dreams can be pretty fucked up. I do know what I am getting out of the dreams, and it bugs me to think about being married to her.
But those types of things have faded away. Whatever I was dreaming about when I woke up tends to be on my mind and then kind of fades away. I remember it but don’t dwell on it. And then tonight I had something that hit me harder than the dreams. This time it did depress me, and I do have something on my mind.
I was bored and really just waiting to be sure my son was really asleep. (He sometimes has bad dreams early in the night, so I like to make sure those have passed before I hit the sack myself.) To while away the time I turned on Ladder 49. I really don’t like firefighter movies much, but it has a good rep and I never bothered to see it before. Firemen dying didn’t bug me. Burns didn’t bug me. But the wedding scene, that bugged me.
When I saw that I thought about my wedding, and thought of a couple of minor regrets about the ceremony. That’s not a big deal, but seeing these 2 people young and so obviously in love, that tore me up. Now I am depressed, and it is all related to a sappy fucking scene in an overrated movie.
I am going to have to figure this shit out. I am not going to just let it sit inside me working its way out and affecting how I act. I also don’t want to have something that can trash my mood so quickly and easily. I am way too busy right now for this shit. And, what sucks, is that it seems like this kind of mood swing hits me about this time every year. That means I need to figure out what event is the root of it all.
Honestly I am just tired of dealing with shit. I just want it to be over. I have dealt with an awful lot in the last few years, and am really ready to be done dealing and to start living. The past is just that, the past. Not like I can change any of it. I may be able to understand it better now, but is understanding really worth anything? It still wouldn’t change anything.
So now I have something from the past fucking with my present and keeping me from getting on with my future.
I just don’t know.
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depression, anxiety, marriage, divorce, past, psychology, weddings, depression, anxiety, marriage, divorce, past, psychology, weddings

