Scared Bunny

Son. I have a confession. I am writing this shortly before your 8th birthday. Over the course of the next decade your mother and I are going to tell you a shitload of lies. OK, I can’t speak for her since we aren’t together, but I will tell you right now I am going to lie to you. Let me explain.

See, there are certain things we don’t want you to do. Because of that we are going to tell you these lies. And when you get older you will realize we were full of shit. But when you get even older you will realize why we did it. You will especially understand when you have kids.

First, the big one. Sex is not a bad thing.

OK, your mom was raised to think it was, and maybe she got over that eventually, but it’s really not. We tell you to wait because we don’t want you to get some chick pregnant or to get some sort of disease. See, we know that it’s tough to be a parent when you’re both like 15 or so. We also know that it’s really shitty to have scabs on your dick. And, obviously, we don’t want you to die or get something that will make your life less than fun. But saying all that is really fucking complicated. Plus a simpler message is an easier sell. So we are going to tell you to wait. Your mom will probably say until marriage. I’ll probably say until you’re mature enough to handle it and be responsible. Of course I will always make it seem like that time isn’t here yet.

Now, if you listen to us, I am going to tell you you will look back at the chicks you could have slept with when you were younger and regret it. It’s not that they will be the love of your life, but you will realize that sex is like really fun, and all the shit we said reduced the amount of sex you will have. Heck, your mom may even tell you that you need to be a gentleman, so you won’t try to get some when you really want to. But I’ll tell you that they kind of expect you to try, so when you do it they won’t be as mad as you expect. Of course you always respect them, but a lot of them are just as interested as you are.

When you get older then your mom may keep telling you to wait until marriage. That’s OK. The good news is I’ll finally stop bullshitting you when you are on your own.

Then there is this whole drug thing. OK, don’t do heroin, meth coke or any of that shit. But the occasional use of pot is not going to ruin your life. I have actually done it. It wasn’t that big a deal. One night I was virtually comatose, but that was about it. I didn’t get addicted. I didn’t start trying harder shit. I didn’t become any more of an idiot than I already was. Hell, I know some very successful people who use pot regularly. I also know some losers who use it a lot. The secret is that it’s the people, not the pot. Losers find a way to be losers. If they don’t use pot it’s alcohol or gambling or Twinkies or something. And people who have their shit together can keep it together and still smoke a little. For the record I don’t use it myself (seriously) but that’s just a choice, and I don’t think it makes me better than anyone else.

Oh, and alcohol… well, you know I drink. In fact, I drank a lot before I could drive. So when I told you about moderation, I probably failed to mention that I didn’t learn the meaning of the word for a long time. In fact, I can still drink beer all night and get home with no problem. I never do that shit around you of course, but you may be surprised to know I drive better after a few because then I actually do follow the rules of the road. That speeding you are used to? Never happens after a few beers. Basically you just need to remember not to drink if it is going to fuck you up in some way. You shouldn’t drive drunk (even though I have). You shouldn’t lose your senses. You shouldn’t drink if it affects you the next day. But, chances are you will do all of those at some point, and chances are that you got away with it. Just remember what you are risking for yourself and others every time you take a drink. Chances are that will keep you and everyone else safe.

But, I will tell you that getting too drunk will make you sick as a dog. That part was true. You’ve probably seen that already. Yeah, it sucks. But don’t say I didn’t warn you.

We probably also told you to always tell the truth. Well, I am already admitting we lied, so you know that was bullshit. Basically you need to tell the truth unless it’s going to hurt someone. Your mom is big on the truth. Of course she also lied a lot, so you figure it out. Just don’t think lying will get you out of trouble and you’ll be fine. When you lie assume you will get caught. That way, if you do, you won’t have really fucked yourself over and turned one problem in to two. By the way, you will lie to your kids about some things, but mostly because it’s really mean to tell them the truth sometimes.

I am sure there are more, and I don’t just mean that whole Santa Claus thing. I really am sorry we lied. OK, that was another one.

If I forgot any, remind me.