Scared Bunny

It is amazing where you find wisdom.

Yesterday Inked was on again. I have been watching because I was going to get my tat in that parlor when I was in Vegas. That has made it a little more entertaining, even though the show and the people on it are generally pretty stupid. I mean really stupid. Trying to conduct a drug deal in a casino ain’t that smart. The only place you are more likely to be on camera than a casino is my bedroom.

But there was wisdom last night nonetheless.

There was a lady getting a tattoo. They have a lot of those if you can believe it. It seems that people getting tats is common in a tattoo parlor. Anyway, she brought a raging bitch with her. She was a real shit about the tattoo looking good and kept insisting it had to look exactly like the picture and they wouldn’t pay if it didn’t.

There were 2 artists working. The older one basically ignored her. He said that he has been around too long to put up with anyone with that bad of an attitude. Plus, he felt that working with her, even on her friend, was just asking her to keep coming back. That just meant you had to deal with her shit for possibly years to come. Plus, you ran the risk of hearing her bitch over and over if she decided something was wrong. And she seemed like the type that would have told da’Vinci that the Last Supper could have used more blue.

The other artist was younger. He had no problem taking on the tat. It wasn’t just that he knew he was good enough to do the tat he had an ulterior motive. What he knew was that, while the lady would be looking over his shoulder the whole time, she wasn’t going to be able to say much because she couldn’t run the risk of distracting him. She also wouldn’t want to run the risk of pissing him off while he was permanently marking her friend. That meant that this woman who was clearly used to treating people like shit had little choice but to listen to him give her shit for the 30 minutes the tattoo took.

The thing is, they are both right. On one hand, I wouldn’t want to deal with her and I certainly wouldn’t want her to come back. So if your goal is a peaceful future and ending bullshit as quickly as possible, then why put up with her. It’s not worth the $150 for the tat, which you have to split with the owners. But, sometimes you just have to love the fact that you could give someone who deserves a verbal smackdown no holds barred shit for half an hour, knowing they can’t say a word. Plus, I would think his being so hard on her might keep her away.

Either way, I liked what they were saying. I totally agreed with both of them. It’s all about goals. My gut would have been to just tell her no thanks. Maybe say that you can never guarantee that a tat will look exactly like a picture (which I imagine is true) and basically get her to go harass someone else. But with more thought I would have done the tat and given her shit. I also would have done one thing the artist did: make sure the lady getting the tat knows her friend isn’t doing her any favors.
I also agree with both of them in their decision not to do the Elmer Fudd tat on the ass of the drunk guy.

Why do I mention this? I could give you some deep bullshit, but I’ll let you figure out the deeper meaning for yourself. Instead I will say that even asswipes that make reality shows sometimes stumble across something profound.

Maybe we will see if there is similar brilliance in strip clubs this weekend. Yes, I was invited to a specific club a friend likes, so we will be seeing what is up. I am just happy to get out of the house. I have been here way too much. I am going to see what kind of wisdom the strippers can impart. I have never actually gotten philosophical with one before.

I think that they probably have some great observations to share, provided they are sober. Having been to strip clubs, and having dated strippers, I know what these ladies see day in and day out. It could be an amazing learning experience. Unfortunately most of them are only observant enough to figure out where they can get the most cash. That’s too bad because they see people at their worst and stupidest.

I am not going to say they see men at their best. Just being there shows we are not at our best. And the “nice guys” that are generous to them aren’t nice, they’re stupid or up to something. While the stories of guys handing out money like orange tic tacs are generally overstated, there are guys who “help” the girls. Usually they are getting played. Sometimes they are trying to buy the girl. Regardless, I don’t see it as generosity. It’s not generous to give money expecting or hoping to get something in return.

But we will see what kind of wisdom they can share with us as they sit on our laps.

So, if I miss a night, I will make it up the next day. But I doubt I will be here to write at my normal late hour.

OK, based on current discussions Cuba is out. Apparently I am the only one willing to set aside by hatred for Castro to show my disgust with stupid ass laws. There was a suggestion made that we consider Columbia but then we all remembered I am lily white and don’t speak Spanish, so it may not be the safest place for me. That brings us back to Costa Rica.

Costa Rica has only one real drawback, and that is cost. I can get a room and airfare free to Vegas. Can’t do that with Costa Rica. Having to only pay for the food and entertainment portion makes Vegas very attractive. I have got to get my friend to find a way to go. Especially since he may have access to VIP passes for the adult entertainment convention or whatever the hell they are having. I am not sure exactly what good these VIP passes are, but I want one.

Regardless, I think the trip will be in the US. I have enough miles and first class upgrades for the US, and that is better than spending cash. Throw in the use of a condo for free and it looks even better. But everyone wants to leave the country. I don’t blame them because I do to, but I really like free. Free is good.

I had planned on browsing some personals ads for the purposes of making fun of them. I know that is mean but personal ads are like blogs. If you put your shit out there you are asking people to make fun of you. This is particularly true if you are going to post stupid pictures of yourself. But, unfortunately, there was shit to do with work today that kept me busy. I am kind of disappointed by that except for the whole “more money” thing.

That reminds me. I mentioned once that my boss likes to use fear to motivate. Well, he hasn’t changed, but he kind of slipped up. He mentioned that I am the only one actually producing any business. It’s a little hard to justify shutting the only productive office. Then today I found out his heir apparent has left the company. (Nothing like communication). The whole situation is fucked.

I know I don’t blog about work, but I swear that if my boss were a woman and not my boss we’d be dating. He’s just about crazy enough, and seems to create tension and drama for entertainment. He’s not really my type though.

Anyway, when I did look at some personals I noticed something. You can tell the people who just got out of bad relationships, and can usually tell what the problem was.

I saw ads that were heavily focused on honesty. I want honest too, but if you are paranoid about honesty, I kind of think you will assume I am lying to you. I also am guessing the last guy cheated on you.

I hate cheaters. I feel bad that you got cheated on. But I am not going to spend all my time proving I’m not cheating. It’s really fucking hard to prove you aren’t doing something. Am I supposed to be on camera 24/7 so you can see what I am doing? Do I need to call in every 10 minutes so you know what is going on? Either way, that shit ain’t gonna fly.
The thing is, if I read your ad and it seems like you wrote it to eliminate the last guy, that tells me you aren’t looking for the next guy at all. You have a problem with whatever the fuck happened with the last guy. You are trying to work through that by dating someone different. But, that won’t work.

Do you really think a guy is going to admit he’s a cheater when he replies to your ad? Do you expect him to acknowledge his drinking problem or drug habit? Listen, if a guy or chick is up to something, they are going to lie about it. You can put whatever the hell you want in your ad, and they will reply if they think the picture is hot. Like it or not, the content is secondary at best.

I know it sucks. I can tell that some women put a lot of work in to their ads. Some are pouring out their hearts. Some are being very creative. Some are at least trying to be creative, even if they fail miserably. No matter what effort they do or don’t put in to it won’t matter though. Personal ads are about looks.

But I will be reading the ads. I am looking for signs of insanity and drama. If I see traits that freak me out, I am not touching it. Even though I don’t want serious, some of these people are serious trouble no matter what. Who needs it?

Well, the trip to Vegas is at very least postponed. My friend can’t make it because of business. So we will be missing the adult entertainers. Too bad too. I just got a new digital camera to replace the one someone stole. I was going to get the extra large memory card and see how many porn starlets pics I could get. I think this could have been particularly valuable back at the nightclub, since that place is wild on a normal night.

Now I have to make alternate plans. I could go to Vegas alone, but that’s not as much fun. You have to have someone who knows the stories, especially the ones that you just can’t tell, and that you had to be there to get. You also need someone that you can play off of, with both of you pushing each other. Plus, you can act as each other’s wingmen. This guy is good for that provided the woman doesn’t fall for him first. Unfortunately that happens though. His magnetism is immense. But I was more than willing to go after the girls’ friends. They tend to travel in packs in Vegas.

So now we have to look elsewhere. I need to find other potential traveling partners and potentially another destination because the person or persons I travel with may not be Vegas people. That’s OK as long as they aren’t Iowa people. I am sure there are some nice people in Iowa but I am looking for a little more fun than Iowa could offer. Corn is great, but picking it is not the same as gambling, drinking and dancing with porn stars.

I have no idea what the candidate cities are yet, but I am hoping they include Amsterdam and somewhere in Costa Rica. Mexico has some potential too. I could also arrange an illegal trip to Cuba just because I hate the dumb ass embargo and I think I can buy a car for about $12. What I would really buy is a lot of cigars that I can sell here real easy. Maybe I could even finance the trip that way. Those fuckers are expensive here. Get a few boxes, sneak them back… I could do that in Mexico but you run the risk of fakes. I don’t see that as a risk in Cuba itself.

I would really like to go to Iceland, but I don’t see that happening. I really don’t have that much cash to toss away. Iceland is my dream trip though. It is supposed to be a beautiful country, and has some insanely hot women. Plus Oprah once did a piece on sexual attitudes of other countries. What I learned was that, by American standards, Icelandic women are easy. I consider that a good thing if you are just visiting. I really don’t want to marry a woman who has slept with every guy she’s dated. That works because I really don’t want to get married right now.

I also wouldn’t mind visiting Venezuela. This is a county that had a stranglehold on Miss Universe for years. Add in the fact they are majorly pissed at the US and it is an interesting time to visit. Hell, they are convinced we are about to invade them. I am guessing the dollar stretches there because gas is about 12 cents a gallon, and they give it out like it’s no better than their piss. I am also betting they are cozy enough with Castro for the cigars. But I think it’s more expensive than Cuba would be, and not as forbidden.

So there are the known choices…now I just have to make the shit happen.

In other news it seems that the problem with playing hard to get is that you set yourself up as a prize. As I feared, once I was captured there wasn’t any reason to keep up the chase. While great for the whole avoiding a relationship thing, it sucks if you wanted another couple of dates. OK, it wasn’t a date really, but I did want a little more of it. I doubt that is going to happen, so I may actually have to put in some effort.

That will mean actually looking at the personal ads because I won’t be going out. As I expected I’ll have my son again this weekend, and it looks like next weekend too. I love having him and would rather do that than date anyway. But I am going to have to find a way to get semi-regular ass. I am not going to be celibate dammit. Not getting any blows. Having sex is better than not having sex.

I really haven’t enjoyed the personals though. It’s not that there aren’t attractive women, because there are. But it’s just not fun. None of the ads have been outrageous so they don’t make me laugh. They are all the same. It’s always about meeting Mr. Right, basically being a party girl or clearly the aftermath of one or more bad relationships which will be visited on the next guy. It would be better if there were at least something I can work with. I haven’t even seen any of the outrageous pictures except the standard glamour shots, which, while horrid, are not noteworthy.

Maybe I just need a night at a strip club. Not going to meet anyone there, but it would be a nice change of pace from the domicile. It seems my house is very quiet. The dog has taken to barking at people outside and then hiding, but that isn’t the same really. Plus, I kind of miss that stripper smell. If you are a guy you know what I mean. Strippers always smell of lotion and perfume. I swear they all use the same brands, because they have a unique smell. Now some also smell like smoke, which sucks. Those I tend to throw back.

Well, it is late. I am becoming nocturnal and that won’t work. So I leave you now.

Jesus, what I will do to save money. The nice folks at GEICO offered me a $90 discount on my insurance if I took a driver safety course online, so I did. That is 6 hours of my life I will never get back. Of course, spending 6 hours and $25 to save $90 every 6 months makes financial sense, but that is a long time to basically tell me to pay attention, not get mad and don’t drink and drive. You would think they would at least include advice on safely receiving roadhead or something. For you ladies that would be how to give roadhead, but I think you’re not supposed to do that while you are driving. So, I urge all of you not to suck dick in a moving car unless you are a passenger. I do encourage you ladies to suck dick in a moving car though, provided it’s mine, of course.

I was told to go shake my booty in front of some hot women this weekend. I doubt that will be happening. I think I’ll have my son again. Even if I didn’t I have to admit that I can’t dance. I have no skill at dancing and I know it. Apparently I only have rhythm when naked. As most clubs do not allow that on the dance floor, and those that do tend to be the kind I prefer to avoid, that has caused me many problems. Usually it takes a woman who has had enough to drink that she doesn’t notice how badly I dance, or a dance floor so crowded that it is hard to notice.

I must really suck. None of my girlfriends ever really tried to teach me to dance. They have said they would, but they won’t do it. I take that as a sign I am hopeless. That is OK when you have a girlfriend, but it sucks balls when you are single. Women believe that how well you dance is a good predictor of how good you are in bed. Maybe it is and my ex’s were all liars. Actually, we know my ex’s were liars, so we can just assume they lied about that too.

Even worse, even if it was a woman who didn’t make that assumption or just didn’t care, I dance so badly it is an embarrassment. I don’t have those seizure like moments you see on TV. And I don’t have the attention grabbing movements where I try to look like a good dancer but fail miserably. I just don’t move much.

I never know what to do with my hands and arms when I dance. And my feet suddenly seem to lose their desire to move.

I want to be one of those guys that basically gets to stand there while some hot chick does the dancing around me. Maybe a few girls for that matter. That requires a level of coolness I dream of achieving. I have seen those guys, and I wish I could find the secret to their coolness. It’s not about looks because lots of them aren’t that attractive. I thought it was money, but some of them are just kids without shit.

I’d ask them how to pull it off but that just seems kind of creepy. There is just no good way to pull off asking a guy how to be cool with chick. They make movies that really suck about shit like that. If my life is going to be a bad movie, I am not going to be the goofy sidekick to Will Smith.

If my life is a movie I will obviously be an idiot in the story, because I have been an idiot. But I will at least be an idiot that was getting laid. (You have to take the small victories wherever you can get them). I don’t want to be stuck in a role that makes it seem like I couldn’t get any without help, even if it was all crazy women.

That reminds me. I have this huge gossip on a huge star, and I can’t share it. It is driving me nuts! There are actually 2 stars involved, and they are big names. I so want to trash their reputations because they expose us to shitty television and are incredibly annoying in my opinion. This story would totally trash their reputations. Of course nobody would know, and I doubt the person that could prove it for me would back me up for professional reasons, but DAMN this sucks. All I need is a defamation lawsuit, and these guys can afford the lawyers from hell. Wait, all lawyers are from hell.

Unfortunately I’m not as brave as Jazz. Of course, she is a lawyer so maybe she knows the secret to dishing without losing your house. That and she doesn’t have a house. I’d ask her advice but I bet she’d charge me for it, being a lawyer and all. I have the money, but trashing these two isn’t worth paying anything. I would sell the story but I would need cooperation from another source and I’ll never get that. Even if I did they would want all the money, and that would make baby Jesus cry.

Well, this is brief, but I have shit to do. So this is all you get. Deal.

I have to admit something. I actually watched part of “Martha Behind Bars”. I really enjoy watching Martha Stewart suffer even if it is just in a movie. Frankly I think that her sentence was very light. Of course I actually think she was sent to the wrong place. Instead of a prison I think that woman is in need of a mental institution. There is just something wrong with that woman. I know she has made a shitload of money, but that doesn’t really mean she’s right in the head.

It is hard to really explain what is wrong with her. I am not talking about her reputation for being a raging bitch. While she may be a big enough bitch that it has become criminal, that isn’t why I think she should be locked up. It is this insane obsession with creating a word that is just unreal. I know people that like her say she is a perfectionist, but she really isn’t. You would feel comfortable shitting in a prefect bathroom. In a Martha bathroom you’d be scared to touch anything. You would enjoy cooking in a perfect kitchen. In a Martha kitchen you would never cook because you wouldn’t want to mess it up. We won’t even discuss the fact that her idea of a home is basically a slightly more cheerful funeral home. There is something wrong with a woman that does a commercial where she uses cut-up credit cards to retile her swimming pool, and you actually believe she might do something like that.

The real reason that she needs locked up, though, is for the protection of her disciples. I have met many of them, and they are truly scary. They are at least as devoted as Oprah’s fans, which is saying a lot since at least Oprah never went to prison. They are devoted to trying to live this life Martha portrays. But they can’t. None of them have the right kind of crazy. To have Martha crazy you have to see yourself as the Christ, not as the disciple. You have to be willing to yell at the people that don’t do it your way, not only yell at the people who insult your messiah. Eventually the people around these women (maybe some men but I never met any) are going to get fed up with them and will strike back. It could be dangerous. I think we need to lock Martha up before that happens. Of course there is also the possibility that one of the husbands will decide to end it at the source, meaning Martha would be in danger.

Normally I would say that protective custody or maybe witness protection would be in order, but I really think there is some kind of pathology here. I’d say the best indication of that is the fact that Martha chose to sell her brand of house wares exclusively at K-Mart. You have to be really fucking delusional to think that K-Mart shoppers are going to create a Martha Stewart home. And the fact there are people that bought the shit thinking it would help them achieve Martha’s lifestyle just proves how crazy they all are. Since we don’t have K-Mart here anymore I can’t actually investigate, but I have been in a K-Mart before. It is about as far as you can get from a Martha Stewart lifestyle as you can get without having to step over corpses rotting in the sun, and I get the feeling that even that distinction couldn’t be made at some K-Marts.

If Mark Burnett were smart he never would have hired Martha for The Apprentice. What we really want to see is Martha in prison. We want to see for ourselves how she acts when she isn’t the one barking orders. We want to see what she does when the sheets aren’t 1200 thread count. We also want to watch her eat Spam. It’s no fun watching the show when she is in control of her image. Mark should have made an offer to the government. Pay them what he is paying her, and they make her cooperate. Maybe even get cameras in her house during house arrest as part of her sentence. That would have made for compelling television. I’d even buy the DVD.

I would have had one request though…no cameras in the shower.

Maybe we’ll get lucky and she’ll go to jail again. I know I said she should be hospitalized, and she should, but we’re not supposed to watch crazy people and laugh. I know we all do, but we’re supposed to pretend we don’t. I would like to watch Martha going toe to toe with schizophrenics and a woman that believes she is George Burns though.

I know this has nothing to do with what I normally write about, but we’ll just chalk it up to another crazy chick story.

That reminds me…I forgot a crazy chick. I never dated this one, but it was clear that this was one tripped out babe.

Back when I was actively looking for a woman online there was this really hot girl whose ad I saw several times. She was one that was so hot that I was honestly afraid to approach her. I really just assumed that she was out of my league. I wasn’t up for rejection, so I never said anything.

One day she was online and I got a wild hair up my ass and decided to give it a shot. Surprisingly, she was interested. That should have worried me, but it didn’t.

Then she told me that I needed to know that she was pregnant. That wasn’t a great thing but I had dated a pregnant woman before, so I was OK with it. I asked her how far along she was…it was 8 months.

Now, when you have an extremely hot picture of yourself, and a long personal ad, one would think that the ad would represent her current situation. Even if it’s not updated recently, you wouldn’t expect an ad to go out for over 8 months without the person at some point deciding she should mention she is pregnant. Then she dropped another bombshell. She lived with the baby’s father.

Right there I have to say that she was out for me as a candidate. While I know she and he had all sorts of excuses for why they were together, the whole situation is a mess and asking for trouble. That is just not something I think I can handle. Maybe it is totally innocent, but it is asking for trouble. If you live with a guy you fucked, you have to expect that is not going to be comfortable for any guy in the future. Out of curiosity though, I asked how long they had been broken up. Time for another bombshell.

They had broken up the night before. Now, I know some of you are thinking that it is kind of fast to have an ad up the next day, especially when you are having the guy’s kid and you still live together. But that wasn’t the case. She had the ad up for months before that. I had seen it many times. It never mentioned a boyfriend, let alone a live-in boyfriend. So here we have a woman who has been running a personal ad despite the fact she lives with a guy whose baby she is going to have, and whom she is still dating. That, to me, is a whole new level of insanity. And despite her being smoking hot, even I couldn’t go there.

I will say I am amazed at how honest she was though.

I can tell when I’ve been late in posting. The traffic to the blog increases with people that are only here for a few seconds. Today was late because I honestly have no idea what I am going to write about. My mind has just not gone anywhere interesting today. It has been a day with no serious mental effort on any subject whatsoever. In other words, it has been a hell of a relaxing day. Given that, 2 days ago, we were expecting massive rain and tropical storm force rains today, having a relaxing day was a nice surprise. Unfortunately I wasn’t watering because of the expected rain. I also have to weed whack, mow and pull weeds. What fun.

Why am I telling you that? Because it was on my mind. I told you…I have no idea what I am going to write about.

I have a question for you. What, exactly, is the difference between posting in your blog to go and give people shit and creating a group on a different site solely for that purpose? To me, the effect is the same, so it’s a little hard to take the high ground and claim you are somehow superior. In fact, I can’t decide if it is more pathetic to start a group for something so stupid, or to join one someone else has started. Creating it is sad and childish, kind of like the clubs created by grade school kids just so they can exclude other little kids they don’t like. But at least creating one shows some kind of initiative and a sick, almost pathological, leadership. Joining one because you are asked to, and following the instructions of said “leader” is not only pathetic, it shows someone who is of such low intelligence that one must wonder how they manage to even complete the registration process for the club.

You see a lot of shit like that in blogs. I have no problem with people being critical of what others write. And when you write about your personal life, that criticism will end up being a criticism of your behaviors. That, to me, is totally acceptable. Put your life out there and you must expect criticism.

But I swear that some blog cliques are worse than anything ever portrayed in a high school themed comedy. It’s pretty sad when people in their 40’s and 40’s are acting worse than a parody of brain-dead adolescents.

It doesn’t surprise me though because the Internet brings out the worst. People have balls online they would never have in person. That is why every guy online talks about all the asses he’s kicked and all the asses he’s fucked. The average male blogger would have you believe he has a 12 inch dick that would have been excellent for porn except the average porn film is simply not long enough to show him completing the sex act. He would have you believe that he is capable of destroying you physically without breaking a sweat using only his left elbow. And people write things to and about others they would never have the courage to say in real life.

And once people get used to being big shit online, the one place they have ever been big shit, they seem to like to throw their weight around.

Before I go on, I mean weight in a figurative sense. First, I have no idea if they are fat people. Well, some of them I know are fat because they post pictures of themselves. Some of them are skinny, unless those pics aren’t really them, which is possible because since so many of them lie about who they are and what they do there is no reason to believe the pics they post are real.

Further, even in the figurative sense, they tend to really overestimate their importance. Just because a few people of similar mental defects are willing to follow your lead and fawn all over your blog doesn’t mean you are important. If you ever doubt that, try turning your blog in to a pay site and see how many people will pay 9.95 a month to read the shit you write. I read some fun shit online, but I don’t pay for any of it. And getting some nut to go post shitty messages semi-anonymously on a stranger’s blog is not really some sign of power. Call me when you get them to kill for you.

Anyway, I understand that for some people the attention you can get online is intoxicating. If you have always felt ignored it makes you feel important. But you aren’t. Hate to burst your bubble but the people who would be affected by you quitting your posts are generally not the one’s you want to be impressing. Yes there are normal people that might miss it, but they will get over that quickly and their lives really won’t be changed. The few, if any, that will feel a true sense of loss, aren’t exactly the mainstream. In fact, from what I have seen, they are the one’s keeping the pharmaceutical companies working hard to develop newer and better psychotropic medications.

The sad thing is we aren’t talking about people helping out friends. We are talking about people acting like cyberthugs. And, even sadder, they aren’t even good at it. They send their annoying, sometimes threatening emails. They fill forums and comments with inane insults and charges that generally make the object of their devotion seem even more foolish than they would have otherwise.

Surprisingly many of these people are able to actually convey the impression of sanity outside of cyberspace. I mean this only in terms of those that do not truly know them, of course, because those that know them well are aware of the insanity within the false shell of normality. But you get these people online and they cannot control themselves. They act without any restraint or dignity. They follow the idea that, for some unknown reason, the normally accepted rules of civility do not apply if the words are conveyed via modem.

Unfortunately the emotional impact of this behavior is real, even if the relationships are not. And as these people act out their insane delusions online, their overall mental and emotional state deteriorates. Eventually it impacts how they act in everyday situations. They lose the ability to at least pretend to be healthy, and people notice the change. In extreme cases they lose their jobs, friends and family. It would be hilarious if it weren’t so sad. And they will always blame others for their problems. In this case it will be others from cyberspace, even if they have never actually met or conversed with the person.

Man…I had no idea what to write and now I have ranted for 2 pages. Must be the crack.

I wish I could tell you I was wrong about the birthday party, but I can’t. If there were any single moms in our group I didn’t notice them. In fact, and I hate to say this, the general appearance of the group was not good. There was one really hot mom, but I’ve seen her many times and, alas, she is married. This damn conscience is really making shit hard.

There were some attractive women at a different party though. I almost asked my son to go sing to that kid instead of his friend. But I behaved. Besides, the hot women in that party were all married too. I assume they were anyway because they all had wedding rings. I suppose they could have been following the advice men get that a wedding ring makes them more appealing, but I kind of doubt that. I never really tried that approach personally, but they swear it works. Personally I think any woman that will fuck you thinking you are married isn’t worth even banging. Besides, who knows what kind of nasty ass diseases they might have.

One observation from the night need be made. It is important that women get some idea what is or isn’t appropriate based on their age and the circumstances. As a rule, an adult woman probably shouldn’t be going with the naughty schoolgirl look; complete with high heeled knee high boots, to the birthday party of a 7-year old boy. This is particularly true if we are talking about a woman who has recently passed the age at which dressing like that in public has gone from sexy to somewhat sad.

I understand that women who are married to younger guys may feel younger, and I applaud that feeling, but dressing like you are a kid actually makes you look older. It was almost as bad as that guy from high school that had been out of school for several years but still partied with high school kids and wore his letterman jacket. He was cool to have around because he could buy beer, but he was also the source of some great jokes when he wasn’t around. Well, this woman is probably an amazing piece of ass for the kid she was with, but trying to look like they are the same age really just made them both look stupid. And when you are talking about a scrawny white guy trying to dress like a black gang member in a prison movie, he really doesn’t need any help looking stupid.

Don’t get me wrong. Were she single and I was given the chance I would have hit it. Hell, I would have put that number on speed dial under B, but I would have been embarrassed to introduce her to friends dressed like that. I honestly think they would have assumed we were on the way to a costume party or something. I would have told them we were regardless. That would have even made a great excuse to go home and tap that ass early!

There is some good news from the trip though. I wasn’t forced to eat and Chuck E, Cheese pizza. That alone is a reason for celebration.

I do wish I could tell you some interesting story from the dating wars, but there hasn’t been anything. I did browse that single’s site and there wasn’t anything of interesting. There are still way too many ads that make reference to the lady being a queen or a princess and mention of kissing frogs. There are more mentions of Mr. Right than you can count. Almost every woman says she is looking for “the one”.

There were some oddities though. First, at least 4 women who matched my ad either made reference to arrest or being police officers. That is a little scary. I have had all the police contact I want to have. I may have gotten out of it without so much as a parking ticket, but it was not worth it. Maybe I am just more paranoid about it than I used to be when it comes to police. Maybe I just notice it more. May be this is a new trend in online dating. Maybe I have just located many of the AWOL New Orleans police officers. Regardless, I doubt we will be talking to those women.

I also noticed that many women had more than one ad. I know they aren’t supposed to, but they did. They used the same pics, so that isn’t why they did it. But the fact that their degree of matching tells me what they are up to. One woman had 3 ads that I saw. One matched me almost perfectly. One was about 50/50. And the last was almost no match at all. What we seem to have there is Sybil’s personal ad…or maybe her daughter. I honestly don’t know what that woman is up to, but it’s pretty fucked up to have 3 ads with 3 completely different profiles. Of course it is also possible the software screwed up. I will have to check that further for research purposes.

I didn’t spend enough time to find any of the truly odd ads. I didn’t click on any so I am sure I missed some truly frightening ads and pictures. There weren’t even any Glamour Shots photos to make fun of. This will take more work than I expected. I don’t mind doing it, and if the rain does hit us this weekend maybe I will do that in the coming days. I guess if I am going to do this research and really make it work I may have to pay for a membership. That sucks because I really hate wasting that money. But it just doesn’t work if I don’t. I have seen what happens if a guy only talks to paid female members that contact him. It is truly scary.

I did want to point out one thing I have noticed. It has been a long time since I had an ad. I never kept one when I was involved with someone, and I had some rather long relationships. Despite that, I recognized many of the women. They are still using the same pictures, and still say they are looking for the same thing. This is truly the definition of insanity: continuing to do the same thing repeatedly expecting a different outcome. This is the same mentality that women who keep dating jerks much have.

If you keep going the same place, doing the same thing, you have to expect to attract the same kind of guy. I wish I could say I feel sorry for them, but I can’t. I know some of these girls and I think they just see it as a huge game. Others seem truly sad. Regardless, they are doing this to themselves. It is just like I don’t blame anyone else for what happened to me. I put myself in those positions over and over. Getting hurt was a given.

I am curious though if it is the place that was the issue when it came to the personals, or if it was me. I am not looking at it like I did then, and not doing what I did. So we’ll see what the end results are. I just hope I’m not fooling myself or we may have some truly wicked new stories.

I was going to mention…the show I discussed last night was Inked. The show is mindless, as one would expect, but it is at least entertaining at times. I mention it because if you watched, you saw that one of the receptionists also works as a shot girl at Beach, a dance club in Vegas. That is of interest because that is the bar we went to the night we were supposed to see White Stripes but I was in trouble for looking at other women while videotaping them for Heather. I urge you to watch the show because if you see what kind of bar it is, you will wonder exactly why she would want to go to a bar where guys pay to lick whipped cream off waitresses, if the issue was that I was behaving inappropriately towards other women. That would be a very good question, and one I could not answer.

No, I didn’t lick any whipped cream. I even made it a point to need to piss during the wet t-shirt contest. I did get in trouble for taking part in a beer bong race because the people that ran it happened to be female (as were almost all of the staff). We got past that though.

I do think I will see if I can go back. That would be particularly fun with all those porn stars in town. See, females outnumber males in porn like 10 to 1 or so it would seem if you watch the show Family Business. They have said that there just aren’t that many guys that can perform. I have to think that a bar full of hot chicks in a town with only a handful of normal guys would have to be fun. That is of course because I assume that anyone that is such a big fan of porn that that schedule their vacation for a porn convention has got to be a loser. Coincidence is one thing. Dedication to porn as a hobby is another entirely.

Not to mention the fact that the guys I will be going with are exactly what I need. These are guys that know how to have fun. That is actually an understatement. One is a master of Vegas and Puerto Penasco. The other is the king of Amsterdam and Costa Rica. In other words, I cannot imagine how it would be possible not to have fun. I am just hoping I can still keep up after all these years. (Not really…I know I can).

In other news, I am completely rethinking my anti-online dating site stance. It’s not that I think I was wrong about the crazies, drama, game players or liars. It is just that I really don’t care. It just seems different now because I am not wanting or expecting to meet anyone truly special that will steal my heart. Not caring makes things easier. And it will give me more ways to meet people than I have now. I am kind of tired of only talking to real estate professionals and investors for some reason. I guess chatting with them will amuse me.

You should be happy because they are guaranteed material. No, I will not be letting anyone know about the blog. I can tell you that I have had so many chats with crazy women that I know they will be fun. But if they knew about the blog I would have to be good and not talk about them. This way I can say things and they will remain totally anonymous. In other words, I won’t be linking their ads either.

I will, however, be linking any ads that are worth writing about. Heaven knows they are out there. I saw a couple that had promise but wasn’t paying enough attention. The ADD had me distracted. There were some glamour shots (God I wish I could end the insanity). There were shots of women with the ex (hint, other guys are not a good way to lure the new guy). There were the shots with kids. (I am all for being honest about your kids, but do you want their pic on a site where a prick shot is considered a greeting?). What I did not see was my all time favorite: the chick in her wedding dress.

That is the one thing I really don’t get. I know that people always say a woman looks the most beautiful on her wedding day, but what the hell kind of message are you sending: “This could be yours!” I don’t want the marriage thought at all right now, unless I happen to find Charlize Theron’s ad. Think about this. If a woman has wedding dress pics there are three possibilities.

1. The wedding was recent. OK…so the pics are recent…which means the divorce was recent. So she has recent divorce drama and a tendency to jump in to and out of serious relationships.


2. The wedding was not recent, so the pics likely in no way represent what she looks like now


3. She has never been married yet, for some unknown reason, not only has pictures of herself in a wedding dress, that is the image she wants you to have.

Maybe they are the only professional pics she has. I understand that, but I hate professional pics. Give me the right lighting and airbrushing and I can make anyone look great. Hell, have you ever seen what Cameron Diaz looks like without her make-up?

I am all for putting your best foot forward, but there are certain things that just scream crazy chick. In fact, I consider it a sign that I have a shred of sanity that I haven’t ever replied to one of the wedding dress pics. Hell, one girl got a firm no because her pic looked like it was her homecoming dress which meant either the pic was real old or she has yet to let go of high school. It is, of course, possible it was a bridesmaid dress, but that wouldn’t be much better really. Especially with her in the dress but reclining on her bed. I felt dirty looking at that one for some reason.

To be honest it was pretty clear the pic was recent because the girl certainly didn’t look 17. I showed it to others though and they all agreed it seemed like a woman in her 30’s trying to look like she was still in high school. I am all for sex play and schoolgirl outfits, but this just seemed wrong for some reason. I think maybe she has some mental illness where she doesn’t know she’s not still in high school. Hell, maybe she is still in high school. If I date a high school student she would be over 18, but not THAT much over 18. The possibility of her graduating the same year as her own kid just seems wrong even if it is a frequent source of after school specials.

So I will be taking the plunge just for you. That and because I’m bored.

On TV they always show men meeting hot chicks because of their kids. I sometimes wish I had the lack of scruples to take advantage of my son. I have one of those kids that are insanely cute, smart, well behaved and sweet. He would be gold for that. And I know some of you doubt me because I am biased, but there are readers that have seen my son, so they can verify the cute, and he just somehow draws people in. They’ve also heard me talk about how he acts, and they’ll verify the well behaved and sweet. And his comments mentioned yesterday should pretty well confirm the smart part. He would be better than a dog as a chick magnet. This is particularly true when it comes to my dog because, while he is a good looking dog, he is so timid you can’t even get him to go for a walk except in our back yard.

Even if I could do it, though, the thing they always show where you meet your kid’s friend’s mom and romance ensues would never happen. I swear the kid has no friends with single moms. None of the kids in the neighborhood he plays with have single moms. Well, there is one kid, but they are never home. Too bad too because she really is hot. Probably wouldn’t matter though because the women in the neighborhood universally hate me. It seems I committed an unforgivable sin when I kept the house. This came after telling my wife she had to move out as we were going through the divorce for very legitimate reasons that need not be mentioned here. Ya’ll really seem to like taking the woman’s side in a divorce regardless of the story. In this case it was easy for them because I haven’t told anyone here what happened. I could, but I know they would repeat it and eventually the little shit across the street would say something to my son. Instead he gets told how I am a jerk, which I don’t mind as much.

As an aside, I swear that kid is destined to be a serial killer. In about an hour’s time I think I heard him mention 5 different ways he would kill people. He is always getting mad. Of course he is learning that my house is not a fucking democracy so his free speech rights don’t extend past the front door. But when you have an 8-year old mentioning crushing skulls, stabbing heads and shit like that, something is wrong. I would say something to his parents but his mom hates me. I doubt she’d listen. I also doubt her husband would want to know about the lesbian women that his wife is always hanging out with only when her son or husband are out. I dunno. Maybe he would. Personally I think he might be relieved if he could somehow get a 3-way out of the deal because otherwise there is no way he can be sexually attracted to her. Maybe if he could get this other chick in the room he could get some joy that has to be missing now.

Anyway, I was thinking about all these single mom things because Friday would, in theory, be the perfect chance to meet one of these mythical moms, because I have been blessed with the opportunity to visit Chuck E. Cheese with my son for a classmate’s birthday party. So you would think that the chance would be there to chat up some MILF while the kids play. But I can tell you now that shit ain’t gonna happen. I have been to events like this before, and with the exception of one other parent, there have never been any single people. It seems that having your kid in a Christian school, while good for his education, discipline and safety, is not a place you can find divorced women. I wouldn’t change his school for a reason like that, but, damn, I could use a break here.

Of course people assume that his going to a church school would mean a chance to meet women at the church. But that ain’t gonna happen either. See, his mom works at and attends the church. I really don’t have a desire to go to a church under those circumstances. I actually have no desire to attend church at all because I hate waking up early on a Sunday. I actually hate waking up early any day, but we’re only bitching about church here and not the fact that things happen in this world prior to noon. I also don’t like pews. I swear that church seats are made intentionally uncomfortable because they know the shit is so boring that they have to use tricks to keep you awake. I also don’t like hymns. Oh, and dressing up sucks.

Yes, I know I am not looking at church right. We can add my attitude to the reasons not to go. If it helps I was asked to do a radio commercial for my church in high school and was asked in an interview why I liked going to church. I said to meet girls. They didn’t like that answer much (but it was true). So, you see, this is a long-held attitude problem.

So, if you wonder why I now have money and still no romance stories, there you have it. This has all coincided with having my son, and I don’t go out when I have him. So I am left with very limited contacts with women. I do see some women when I pick him up and drop him off, but I swear the women are all married. So even though I could talk to them, it wouldn’t be worth mentioning unless one of them has Tourette’s syndrome, which could be hella funny, but has yet to actually happen. In fact, the only person I ever met with Tourette’s was nothing like the movies. But a woman blurting out fuck repeatedly for no reason at a Christian school would be funny.

I also heard the most idiotic story tonight on TV (it’s late and I need the noise to stay awake). A woman was dating a man who was possessive and paranoid. So, naturally, she married him. Her logic was that marrying him would prove she was loyal and he didn’t need to be worried. That is just stupid. First, guys don’t change for the better just because you marry them. They may change for the worse, but never for the better. I was once told that women marry men thinking they can change them, and men marry women expecting them to never change…and both end up disappointed. So they get married, and he acts the same way. Her reaction then is to get his name tattooed on her ass because “no man would touch me with his name on my ass”.

OK, time for a lesson. Yes, we will fuck a woman with a brand on her. I am not sure that I have ever done it, but a tattoo of a name isn’t going to be enough to stop me. A wedding ring will stop me in my tracks. A tat won’t. An engagement ring would stop me. Tat…nope. Big guy holding your hand…no sex. Tat of his name with no clue who he is…I’ll tap it. Is the point being made?


OK, if the tat is on a tit I may not hit it. That is a huge urn-off and just screams trashy.

Second, if marriage won’t change a guy, why would a tat? The guy doesn’t trust you. Maybe he has a reason. Maybe he’s nuts. Regardless, that is the way shit is. You aren’t going to change that. You could have yourself horribly disfigured and while he would dump you, he wouldn’t trust you. That is just the facts of life.

Really…we’re not that hard to understand. Even our worst examples.

You have to love kids. Here I have written all these pages telling stories about my relationship, and my son managed to summarize two of the longest in a matter of seconds.

While they were playing this afternoon my son and his friends got around to discussing why he was here for so long. When he explained his mom was on her honeymoon because she got married, there were all sorts of questions. Surprisingly, most of them were for me. These kids aren’t from divorced families so even though they’re older than my son, they really don’t understand divorce, and forget about remarriage.

The first question was whether or not this meant I was single. I had to explain that not only am I single I actually have been for a while. Then they wanted to know if I was “scoping out other chicks”, and I said that right now I’m not. But that is when my son chimed in that there had been 2 women I was thinking about marrying, but I couldn’t.

The first one (Heather) I couldn’t marry because she was mean. And the second (my most recent ex) had to go because she had stolen money from my son. That’s pretty fucking simple, but it is true. And he absolutely nailed not only the problem with Heather, but also the singular event that pushed me past the point where I wouldn’t take anymore. I was near the limit when it came to what could be done to me. But when it came to fucking with my child, that was too much.

I was reminded of the movie “A River Runs Through It” where the main thing the preacher taught his kid was writing. His technique was to have him write something, the father made corrections, gave it back to the kid and said “Again. Half as long.” He kept doing that until he felt that he had told exactly what was necessary and nothing more. That is exactly how my son handled it.

Of course if I did that you would have a lot less to read. With how shitty recent entries have been that might have been good.

Yeah, I know things have sucked lately. I am not feeling it. I have things I want to write about but I am not sure if I should. Some of the drama from the past could come back. I have no way of knowing if certain people read this shit and if I tell their stories they freak out. It is kind of funny 6to me that they do because, first, if they didn’t freak out nobody would know it was them. I am careful about that. Second, these same people see no problem with sharing their stories with people. But somehow if I write it it’s a big deal. They use my name. I don’t use theirs. I own up to my part, they exaggerate my actions (and in one case flat out lie) and pretend they did nothing.

I just really don’t feel like dealing with their drama. I ran in to a small taste of it and realize how done I am with them and it. It’s not worth it. Somehow drama manages to be both boring and stressful. I have enough boredom and stress without bringing their shit back in.
I will say that my patience with some people has worn thin. If their games didn’t keep coming back to me, I wouldn’t care. But they do. And, of course, they do things knowing they will get to me. Everyone knows people that will spread anything they see or hear, so when you intentionally involve those people, you do it because you want to cause more drama. It amazes me how people not only feel the need to talk shit about others, they feel the need to make sure the other person knows about it. Why continue to try to provoke someone that has agreed to just leave you alone? Especially when that person really has nothing to fear from you but you are harboring secrets.

That is what people don’t understand. I have nothing to fear from anyone. They can’t really do anything but annoy me. I just have decided the annoyances aren’t worth it. It’s about not going back to those places and situations that aren’t healthy. The problems and issues are inside me. It is about how I react and how I let things affect me. Rather than let myself feel like shit, I just avoid the situation. There’s nothing there for me.

Does make me wonder why I am still keeping some secrets though.

OK, enough of that. I was given some interesting news. It seems that the weekend we plan on being in Vegas happens to be the same weekend as an adult entertainment convention of some kind. That has both caused problems and opportunities. It does have a lot of rooms booked up, which blows. But, it seems we may be given some VIP passes. While I am not a fan of porn, that does seem more than a little intriguing. I have met all types of people, but no real porn stars. I have met a few people who did some porn, but nobody famous. Plus, I am told these things are full of wannabe porn actresses. While I am not interested in an actual porn actress, a woman looking to get in to porn could be fun for a weekend.

That said, I won’t ever be videotaping anything. That seems stupid as hell to me. You just know eventually someone else is going to see that shit. How many times have you heard people that work in retail saying a VCR was returned to the store with porn in it? Same goes for repair places. And then there are the guys at video stores. I am sure that DVD’s reduce that, but there are still movers, carpet cleaners, maids…

I actually don’t want to know what I look like. I believe that few people actually look good having sex. I base this on just my own perceptions and no real research, but sex faces don’t seem to look like they do in movies. And the movies are different too. Maybe I’m doing it wrong but it just seems different. It is fun, but does not seem photogenic.

Maybe I just need ass make-up.

Want to know what is really fun? It’s fun when you are sitting in your house and, about 9AM the electricity goes out. What makes it even better is when you call the electric company and find out that the online payment you made, while it was taken from your checking account wasn’t actually applied to your electric bill, which is why you have no power. Then as it gets to be about 100 outside it gets to be a little warm inside. On one hand, not having lights does keep those 100 watt suckers from warming things up even further, but the lack of ceiling fans and air conditioners does tend to more than offset that little perk. And having phones, computers, internet, fax lines and printers that all require electricity, as well as all being vital to doing your job, makes things pretty rough for the day.

So if you are wondering what I did, that should pretty much explain it. I spent as much time working on the laptop as the battery allowed, burned out the cell battery making as many calls as I could, and then I took a nap until it was time to get my son. This does not make for an exciting day, but it is a good test of your patience. And I was kind of surprised. Somehow I managed not to really get mad. What was the point? The people on the phone didn’t fuck up, and they weren’t the one’s who would be turning the power back on either.

The shitty part is that all it takes to turn it back on is to remove a little wire “lock”. It is so tempting to just say, “fuck it” and get out the wire cutter. But I resisted and, as you can see, I have power again. Strangely, the nap makes me feel even more tired than I normally do. That’s one big reason I try not to take naps.

So, what shall we talk about? I have to be honest that I have nothing on the romance front. Not a damn thing even crossed my mind when it came to dating. Being male I did think about sex, but only in the most general sense. There is this waitress downtown that is of particular interest when it comes to sex, but I know I’ll never even ask her out. This woman has got to get hit on 50 times a day just at work. She kind of has her choice of guys.

Not even any progress on the vacation front. My friend and I still want to go to Vegas but he can’t get away from his company for that many days during the week, so we have to reschedule. Kinda sucks since we had been given a 2 sweet 2-bedroom condo for the week if we could have gone, just over a block from the strip. It is a really nice place and we will hopefully need the 2 bedrooms. So now we are back to the drawing board.

In short, things are dull right now, and I am just not feeling creative. I do appreciate the advice from the female readers though. Hell, if I ever get a chance I intend to try it. That won’t be coming this week (so expect wither boring or weird entries) because I have my son while his mom is on her Honeymoon. That means lots of PS2 as long as it stays around 100 here. Of course, we are also supposed to get the remains of Hurricane Rita this weekend, so even that will probably keep us in. Do you want to hear about his new Madagascar game? I didn’t think so.

I will say that I am amazed that people expect me to be upset about her getting remarried. As long as the guy treats my son well and he’s in a healthy environment, why should I care? There is this bizarre idea that people always want their ex back. Not even close. Divorce sucks, but being married to the wrong person sucks more and, in my case, sucked for about 9 years longer. We had about as much in common as I would have with Billy Graham were he to come by. Not that I’d marry Billy Graham because not only is he a guy, he is way too old for me. Plus there would be a nasty court battle over the estate with his kids and that would just be too stressful for me.

I know it is strange for me to say I am surprised people would think I want my ex back. The difference here is that this assumption is being made despite the fact she and I are not close. With the exception of our son we really don’t have much to talk about. The only times we are at the same place are when it is one of his events. It’s not exactly the same as being friends with an ex. If you do that usually one of you have some ideas maybe they shouldn’t. We are friendly, but we aren’t friends. And I have no desire to be friends. I’m pretty sure she feels the same way.

Besides, while my ex is a little crazy, the rest of the women in her family are off the charts nuts. I would rather shave my balls with a rust switchblade stolen from a homeless heroin addict than deal with them any more than I have to right now. They dropped my son off after the wedding and didn’t even walk him to the door. Gotta love somebody that petty. I can see how saying hello to me would be so terrifying. (Yeah, that I am a little bitter about.) Putting up with crazy women to get some is one thing. But when the crazy women aren’t the one’s you are getting it from; you really have to ask yourself if it’s worth it. Besides, in this case there are 3 of them plus the ex.

This does raise an interesting point. I have noticed that old men with mean wives tend to be deaf. My ex’s grandfather is one of the nicest guys I have ever known. And even though he is very wealthy, and his wife has a comfortable life as a result of his hard work, she treats the guy like shit. Of course, she treats everyone like shit, but you would think there would be some gratitude. He doesn’t fight back though. Instead he just doesn’t listen. The whole family is convinced he’s deaf. I think he has developed a technique to shut off his hearing. Hey, it works for him. It’s not as good as my planned Alzheimer’s plan, but it’s not bad. He seems happy as hell. Normally I would attribute that to a great sex life, but not only do I doubt they have any sex life, just the thought now has me puking up the chocolate chip cookies I just baked.

Now see what you made me do?

I could write a whole other blog on dealing with crazy/shitty in-laws. Not all of it would be funny though. I may include a few stories here though. All I can say is that you take a mean/domineering woman, who has a daughter that attempts suicide repeatedly for decades for attention, throw in a solid dose of denial (nah…they weren’t suicide attempts, it’s just that every doctor has been wrong about what was going on) and, for fun, add a spoiled rotten younger daughter with attitude. And we haven’t even touched on dad…

What fun we would have.

I was disappointed in the trip to the zoo. While it was great to spend the day with my son, even if it was about 100 out, I didn’t get the picture I wanted. On top of that my son showed me which monkey it was and it wasn’t even an orangutan. It was, in fact, a Gibbon. While I still find the feat impressive, it seems more impressive done by an orangutan. They’re bigger and uglier. It just seems more fitting. So I still have yet to see a monkey, or any creature for that matter, do a handstand and piss in his own mouth.

I am not denying that such a thing is disgusting. It’s not like I have a desire to do this. In fact, if my son even tried it I’d ground his ass for a year. But, unlike many, I am not going to pretend this isn’t something that would take great skill. All you have to do is visit a public restroom and you can see how hard it is for many to hit a target while holding on and standing on your hind legs.

I challenge anyone to go in to a bathroom, do a handstand and piss in a urinal. I bet that is harder than hell. If you do it, I have 2 words of advice. First, wear gloves, because bathroom floors are just nasty. Second, don’t do it in a bathroom with an attendant. I imagine he’d kick you in the face while you are upside down. I know I would.

Personally the only piss related challenge I am considering is trying to piss on a plasma screen placed above a urinal. It’s not that I don’t like plasma screens because I do. And it’s not like I don’t like to watch TV while I piss, because I would love a TV in the bathroom at home. But it just seems so fucking stupid to put a $2000 TV above a public toilet that I feel it is my duty to express just how stupid it is. What better way than pissing on it. I am just not sure my piss gets that kind of altitude.

In other news, I actually heard some words of wisdom that really hit home for me on the Pugs and Kelly show. Even more surprising, it was Pugs that said it. I always agree with Kelly, which is about right. As you know, except for the whole sex with guys thing, I am gay.

For those of you not from Dallas, P & K have a midday show on Live 105.3 FM. It’s an all talk station. This isn’t your Rush Limbaugh talk though. Here you have Howard Stern in the mornings and Russ Martin (a local legend) in the afternoon. And then there is P & K. Basically their show is 2 divorced people in their 30’s talking about their lives and taking calls and emails.

This week Pugs was talking about how he had been playing hard to get (not his words) and how it was working for him. A caller pointed out that he had made himself a challenge, which was good because the woman (or in his case women) will chase him because he becomes a challenge. On top of that, it actually can help you get women you might not normally get because of the whole challenge aspect. Unfortunately for Pugs, though, the caller said that once the woman gets you, she wouldn’t want to keep you. Her theory, and Pugs agrees is that if you set getting you as the goal, once they have you they have what they want. In other words, you get the woman to assume the male “hunter” role.

Pugs was a little bummed by this because he says he’s a relationship guy. But I am thinking that this is a good tactic. Not only does it get the woman to do the work, it helps you stay single in the long run. And, even better, you can do it with a clean conscience. If they decide they just want to add you as a trophy and then move on, you can’t exactly be accused of using them. I like that.

There are 2 questions though.

First, how do you make yourself into a conquest? Is it enough to basically just ignore the woman? Are there specific things you need to say or do? Are there things you shouldn’t say or do? As you can see, I am totally clueless about the whole thing.

The other question is whether or not you are supposed to act disappointed when nothing more comes of it. In my case the key word would be “act” because I really just don’t see any emotional connection coming any time soon. My whole life has been spent looking for relationships, but the time I was the happiest I was single. Not necessarily celibate, but single. I had a shitload of fun until I started getting involved in relationships again.

The thing that got to me was that I had actually done this without even intending to. I wasn’t really playing hard to get, I just wasn’t really up for a date, especially a first date. I didn’t have the energy for it. I was concerned she would want more of a relationship than I did. And, to top it all off, I was broke.

But we finally did get together. It went well. But I think she achieved her goal, so now there’s nothing left for her. It’s weird, but I think that’s probably a good thing. Heaven knows it is easier than breaking up with someone. It is also quite a bit cheaper. To top it off, I get to go to bed and get some sleep. Which I plan on doing right now. Well, first I will take a piss and see what kind of height I can get on it.

In thinking about where to meet women, I actually decided to try a certain online site. Basically I chose this site, which shall remained unnamed, because it is very easy for me to browse, it has a lot of selection and I don’t really think most of the women there are looking for their next husband. That it perfect for me because I am not looking for a marriage. In fact, I have more or less decided I’ll never get married unless I end up one of those rich old farts that have an extremely young wife. I think having a heart attack due to the extreme age difference would be a good way to go.

But in doing this, I have noticed there are certain things that are included in the ads that really shouldn’t be. There are all sorts of reasons not to include some things. I don’t just mean the obvious things. We all assume, for example, that the word “voluptuous” means the writer is overweight. But these are things where there are obvious, or not so obvious reasons not to say certain things.

The first, and most obvious, that I encountered (more than once as a matter of fact) was listing “water sports” under interests. OK, I will tell you that this was not a sex site, so that leaves that one up to interpretation. Obviously the people probably mean things like swimming, water-skiing, boating and maybe a nice jet ski. But, come on, do you really not think the average guy is at least going to think about the less mainstream meaning? Ladies, don’t include a keyword that could mean you like being pissed on or possibly pissing on your partner. Seriously, assume guys will think of the vulgar meaning. It’s our nature.

On a similar note, don’t include the word “Greek”. If you are from Greece, perhaps you could say that. But if you just use the word “Greek” there are 3 separate interpretations. The first would be the obvious: you are either from Greece or have Greek parents. The second is that you are involved in frats and/or sororities. The last is that you like anal sex. (If you like anal sex you can email me directly.) Even if the guy assumes the sorority thing that may not go over well if you aren’t actually in college anymore. Most people really don’t give a shit after you leave school. And many will actually laugh if it is still a major part of who you think you are after college. And, of course, if he assumes the sex part, you can expect the reply will include a dick shot.

Also, it’s not exactly a great idea to list as interest celebrity guys. I once dated a woman in her 30’s who not only had a Mike Modano poster in her bedroom, she insisted that any man she married would have to let her keep it up. Just a hint: I’m not going to compete with your fantasy life. If I had pinups on my wall, you really think anyone worth dating wouldn’t have a problem with that? If you have that much of a fixation on some celebrity, grow the fuck up. I can name several celebrities I’d like to bang, but there are 2 keys. First, there are several. There is no fixation. Second, I don’t consider any of them important enough to list as an “interest”. I stopped doing that when I was about 16.

Also, please don’t mention any of the following: pearls, diamonds, rubies, pearls, gold and jewelry. OK, maybe you are not meaning to sound like you want me to buy you this shit, but that is exactly what it sounds like. You haven’t even met the guy and your first impression is of a gold-digger. Do you expect the guy to show up on the first date with any of these things? If so, you are pretty fucking greedy. If he did show up with it I would hope you would consider it more than just a little creepy. See, flowers are one thing. Precious metals and gems are a bit much for a first date.

And, I understand you may be studying “forensic science”. You may even be in the field. But listing just that as an interest, without explaining that it is due to your job or school is really creepy. It makes it sound like your free time is spent looking at pictures of decapitated coeds or something. If you really want to sound like you are trying to work your way up to becoming a serial killer, be my guest. But when I see this listed as an interest I half expect to find out the girl tortures small animals in her free time.

Cherries…well…are you a virgin? If so, do you want to put that in your ad? If not, why the fuck would I care that you like cherries?

And I really don’t know what the hell is meant by “plenty of fish”, but it kind of scared me.

Of course I’m not going to let any of that bother me. Those things really only matter if you are looking for a serious relationship, and that is not the case. So, I really don’t care what you meant by Greek, although I have my hopes. The water sports thing needs to be addressed, but I will just assume it was innocent. The celebrities? Dream all you like. And nobody is getting any jewelry, so I hope you don’t expect it. I may be a little worried about the “forensic science thing” because I’d like to keep my head attached to my body. The virgin thing could be an issue because I am not going to be anyone’s first.

I am staying away from the “plenty of fish” thing regardless.

You know, life is much easier when you don’t give a fuck.

OK, so should I write more or just go to bed. It is 11:30 and my son did wear my ass out today. Of course, I can’t go to bed because I have sheets in the dryer, so maybe I will add something. Now, get your minds out of the fucking sewer. I do wash my sheets weekly. It’s nothing nasty. I happened to have bought a new mattress cover and figured it was a good time to wash the sheets. You people are sick.

I know I don’t usually blog about my plans, but in this case I will. See, tomorrow my son and I are going to the zoo. We like going, but this time I am on a mission. The last time he went was with my parents. As they strolled around the zoo they came upon the orangutans. One of the beasts started to do a headstand, to the delight of my son and all the kids there from the summer day camp. They were all a little less thrilled when the orangutan started to piss. And they were freaked when he managed to position himself to catch the piss in his mouth.

I hope to catch this on film to prove it is true.

Wish me luck,

If you read yesterday, and actually were able to make it through (I wasn’t, to be honest) you may remember that I went to Pep Boys. See, I needed a couple of tires because I was kind of forced across some large concrete lane dividers that ended up blowing out 2 tires and damaging the other 2. Now that I have cash I had the money to get the other 2 fixed instead of checking them every time I went somewhere and putting in air due to the slow leak.

Of course this is not a huge project, but under certain circumstances it can take a while. And, I will be honest, Pep Boys is not that much fun. They do have a TV, but I don’t speak Spanish and that was on half the channels. The other half was soap operas and, as I also don’t speak Dumbfuck, I couldn’t watch those either. With no reading material (bad planning on my part) I was forced to look around the store about 20 times.

In my wandering I came across this product:


I was really surprised to see this because I was not at all aware that aircraft had become such a problem that people needed a product specifically to remove them from their cars. In fact I have never spoken to someone who had a plane attach itself to their car. I suppose it is possible they were just too ashamed to talk about it. The Aircraft Remover was kind of tucked away discretely on a side aisle. Perhaps they put it there so people can get it without attracting any attention. Hell, for all I know it has been around for years but was kept behind the counter and you had to ask for it, kind of like condoms and razor blades.

I also fail to see how this little can would remove an airplane from your car. I don’t see it removing even a little Piper Cub, and that can has a big ass plane on it. How does it work? Wouldn’t a plane that size really fuck up your car? Why would you even want to remove the plane from the car since I think the airline is going to have to buy you a new one unless you were out racing on the runway or something? If my car has a large plane attached, I’m not buying this shit. I am going to call the first lawyer that I see on TV and get me one of those big ass cash settlements. Hell, I’ll even do the commercials for the guy: “When United parked their 747 on my Lexus, Billy Bob Wallace got me $3.4 million”.

The sad thing is there were 2 hot chicks that worked at this Pep Boys who really weren’t very busy, and any of these questions would have made an excellent opening line. Of course I was far too chickenshit to actually approach either of them. I am sure that they would have found my Aircraft Remover observations very clever and I would have been irresistible to them had I simply had the courage to approach them. Maybe I will get run off the road again and then I can get up the courage to use this great opening to talk to one of the girls.

That wasn’t the only total lack of courage that I had. Another Hottie came in to the restaurant where I ate dinner with my son, and sat at the table right behind us. But because of a combination of my cowardice and the fact we both had children with us I couldn’t make a move. I always feel like I am using my son as a prop if I talk to a woman while I have him with me, so I don’t do it. I have had a couple of women talk to me while he was there, but I have never approached them.

I swear it is a miracle I ever got laid in the first place

I know I say I have no game, but it’s not really just that. What I really don’t have is any balls. I go through spurts where I don’t give a shit about getting rejected and can approach total strangers. Granted this tends to happen mostly in bars after several drinks, but it does happen. It’s easier there because women expect to get hit on and I have at least enough of a buzz that I can be a little funny and, if it doesn’t work, I can just say the booze made me goofy and her bitchy. Of course the typical bar doesn’t offer you the opportunity to use things like the Aircraft Remover line.

Maybe they should put strange things in bars that really don’t belong there just so guys have stupid shit to talk to women about. Or maybe they could make up some new bizarre drink names and post them around the bar. I am sure it would be great to walk up to a woman and ask her if she happens to know what is in a Flaming Lemur or if they prefer gin or vodka in their Water Balloon Cannon. I bet those lines would go over real well. It would have to beat asking the woman if she’d like a Screaming Orgasm. With such ready-made lines I am sure my game would improve immensely (which should give you a clue how little game I actually have).

It wouldn’t be a good idea to actually put cans of that Aircraft Remover in a bar though. Guys tend to do stupid shit when they are drunk under the mistaken impression that it will impress women. That is, of course, the cause of 1/3 of all bar fights. (¼ are caused by arguments over sports with the remainder actually caused because some guy’s date starts talking shit to the biggest dude in the bar after he steps on her purse.) If you have a liquid of some sort in a bar, drunk guys will drink it. As long as these liquids are primarily things like tequila, Bacardi 151 and Tabasco, it’s fine. But that can of Aircraft Remover clearly says something about poison. It’s a bad idea for any bar to actually put out cans of poison as long as we have all these lawyers around. Heaven knows they will end up getting sued. I wouldn’t care except that means fewer bars, which I oppose.

This may come as some surprise, but I’m not OK and you’re not OK. Well, I don’t mean you personally, although the fact you are reading this blog is not a good sign. I just mean that the shit they always say about us all being OK is a crock. Most people could use a group like the one on Starved in some areas. I think being reminded you are fucked up would help most people. I know we are told to be supportive of each other, but I am so fucking sick of people whose answer to every situation is “It will be OK”.

Guess what. Sometimes it won’t just be OK in time. Sometimes you have to do some work for it to be OK. Time does not heal all wounds. And some people are just fucked up beyond all repair. If you want to argue that God can perform miracles, don’t bother. I am not here to argue theology. You believe that, and that’s fine. But just because miracles may happen doesn’t mean we should count on them

I have done a shitload of soul searching about my relationships and myself. That is a big reason why I have decided that I am going to take a long break from relationships. Hell, maybe I am just not a person who should be in relationships. There are people like that. If that is me then I’m good with that.

Lately I see a lot of people moving on before they are ready, and that’s not going to work. It never does. I know someone getting remarried that really never addressed the reasons her marriage ended in the first place. I wish her luck, but her choice of spouse doesn’t bode well. In many ways she is duplicating the same mistake she made the first time. There are some superficial differences with this guy, most of them not for the better, but she’s still looking for daddy.

Yes, I know her dad had an unnaturally close relationship to her sister, and that she has been chasing her daddy’s love. I know she feels like she was forced to take care of her family too early because of her mother’s health problems, and she’s angry about that. But do you really want to marry a man to be the guy in charge of your life? That’s not going to get you back the childhood you feel you were robbed of. And when you push that on a guy he will either resist you or become domineering. No sane man wants to be your father. So either the guy will bail, or he’s not sane. Trust me, I know insane.

But, hey, if she wants to go through it all again, who am I to say she shouldn’t?

I know, that is some serious shit to start with, but I was annoyed tonight when the people from Starved got kicked out of that group that says ”It’s Not OK”, and that got me thinking, which is a bad thing. I am not saying that specific group was good, but I like that saying. Sometimes when you do something it’s not OK. I hate fuckers telling you it’s OK all the time when it’s not. On the show you had a cop shaking down delivery guys for food he would later puke up. Guess what: that’s not OK.

What is going to help you more? You want a “friend” that tells you that while what you have done is inappropriate it will all be OK? Or do you want some raging bitch threatening to report you if you don’t get your shit together? Now, neither will actually get you to do the right thing until you are ready to deal with your fucked up shit, but one of the 2 is more likely to get you to actually get ready. And the friend that sits there listening and patting you on the back every time you fuck up probably isn’t doing you a favor.

Of course, I would have smacked one or more of the assholes in that support group. There is a difference between “tough love” and S&M.

Man, it is getting late and I have only written about half what I normally write. I was just so fucking busy today that it took me forever to start writing. Spending money after getting paid finally will do that.

That reminds me of a couple of rants.

First, when I am buying clothes, if you just happen to be the first of 5 people to ask, “Are you finding everything OK?” and my affirmative response is the end of our interaction, don’t get all shitty when I check out and someone else rings it up. You didn’t “lose a sale” because it wasn’t your sale. You didn’t sell jack shit. I didn’t ask for or receive any help from you. The fact that your store pretends that what you do is sales is not my problem. I just want to take the fucking shirts and leave. I have other shit to do besides wander around finding you. This is particularly true if I am the only fucking customer in the department. If you were so fucking concerned with my shopping experience, where the hell were you when I was ready to check out. Not anywhere close enough to notice I was doing it.

Second, when a cashier calls you over and asks you when you will be done with lunch because you are the best person for the job I just brought in, that is a compliment. I understand you want to finish your lunch, and that’s fine. But the fact you and this cashier don’t get along is not a good reason to actually extend you lunch. Guess what. The guy you stuck it to wasn’t the cashier. He doesn’t give a fuck how long I wait. He gets paid the same either way. He’s not going to get a tip. But I kind of needed that work done. That’s why I was there. And the shit wasn’t cheap. The extra 15 minutes at lunch and the 15 where you wandered off in the middle of the job to smoke? That was my time, not the cashier’s. I saw the looks you gave him. I know you hate the fucker. But why did I have to watch the fucking Montel Williams show while you showed the fucker who was the man?

If you people in retail hate your coworkers, settle it without involving me, the customer. If you have to involve me, at least have the decency to have a good brawl. In fact, that is the preferred way to solve it. Not only would the brawl be entertaining, if it means I don’t have to watch Montel during the time neither of you is actually doing any work. Normally you have to pay $49.95 for that kind of entertainment. Granted I did spend a lot more than that, but I consider those other items kind of promotional materials. You know how they sell t-shirts and shit like that at events? Same concept, except the shirts were a lot cooler and actually only fit my son.

Hell, if I were a manager in retail I would hire staff willing to sign releases and fight each other periodically when things got slow. I think the customers would like that. I know I would shop there if the fights were good. I don’t see that hiring fighters is much different than hiring bi-lingual staff. And a bi-lingual fighter could probably earn good money. Certain stores and departments would have better results from this. I also think that, unlike female boxing, women could really do better than the guys. Some places you’d want to see the guys go at it, but for the most part it would be all about the girls.

On an unrelated note: whoever does the hiring at Pep Boys for front-end chick is clearly an ass man. And he has good taste. Of course he’s gonna get sued eventually, but in the mean time I know where I’m getting my windshield wipers.

You want to know what I think is the biggest sign that Angelina Jolie is insanely hot? Even with Billy Bob Thornton stink on her the majority of the country, male and female, wants to nail her. That is saying a lot. When you know what guys a chick has been with you can’t help but occasionally think about it. And any visual that includes Billy Bob Thornton naked is truly disturbing. Just writing this paragraph I had to stop twice for fear of losing my lunch on the keyboard.

It’s hard when you actually know who a chick has been with. If you’re insecure, like I am, you think about the guys that had to have been better than you. When you get past the insecurity if there is some nasty guy in there you start to wonder what that says about you. I mean, what does it say about you if you are in the same group as “that guy”. Then you’re insecure again. On top of it, now you are wondering what is wrong with the girl. Let’s be honest, “he was nice” only goes so far.

I just had to say that.

Now, I must clear some misconceptions. No, I am not swearing off sex for a year, just relationships. I’m fucked up, not stupid. The tattoo really has to either go in a circle or be vertical. The circle works if I go around the existing Chinese symbol on my arm. Vertical works because Chinese is written top to bottom and not side to side.  Being vertical and 11 characters long kind of limits the places it will fit. Basically we have leg, spine and I guess like one side of my chest. In my job I can’t show ink and regularly wear short sleeves, so arms are out. The other option would be a tat of something else, but nothing comes to mind.

I think that should clear up all confusion. At least it covers any confusion I want cleared up.

So, I have been looking at where I am going to meet non-crazy women and it occurred to me. There is no hope. It’s not that all women are crazy, although I have guys who just now said, “Yes they are you lying motherfucker” as they read that. It is that I draw crazy women. I have looked at every place I have ever met women and it was STILL the crazy one’s that were drawn to me. If they just meet me through what I write, the one’s that show interest tend to be nuts.

I have met women online. Being that I work online it makes sense. People meet people where they work all the time. Now, I sincerely believe that people you meet online are more likely to be crazy. That’s not quite fair. They aren’t all crazy. Some of them are just in to games. People seem to like to get a collection of people that have expressed an interest in them from their ad. You have to love, for example, people that express an interest, keep you in their contacts, but never respond or say a word to you. Why do they want to have you in this gallery?

Online makes it much easier to play games. Some games anyway. Online you can say and be anyone. Hell, I could be a 70-year-old Korean woman with a fake leg. Of course that would not be very conducive to playing games. I am not familiar with any web sites that cater to that demographic, and, no, I don’t want to know about any.

So it should be better if you meet in the real world, right? Well, the worst I ever met I met at a swimming pool with the kids, so that should say something there. In my life I have met women at churches, at school, at regular jobs, at bars, from friends…

So, I have made a momentous decision. I don’t give a fuck if they are crazy. I know that sounds stupid as hell, but as long as they don’t know my home address and I don’t keep seeing the same person frequently for extended periods it won’t matter, right? Of course, my home number is unlisted, but in my industry we kind of know how to find people so I probably should assume they can find me if they want to. So all I need then is well-positioned firearms discretely hidden around the house I guess.

It’s really not all that bad. For the most part craziness takes time to manifest. The crazies have the ability to at least pretend to be normal. In fact they are generally very sweet at first. Too sweet. So, if that holds true, going out with them for brief periods is actually good because you get to enjoy the “too nice to be real” part. The trick is keeping them from getting attached. Believe it or not, that shouldn’t be too hard.

See, they are looking for the next guy that will be their sole target of torment. I have seen it in the past, but I didn’t really have a clear idea of what I was doing. In fact I was considering getting serious with those people. But if you delay, they find someone els