Scared Bunny

Man. Propose having sex with one skanky crazy cheating thieving ex girlfriend and people get pissed.

I know I deserved it. Hell, I have totally villanized this girl and, honestly, I have been restrained. I haven’t told everything I could have, but you can only tell so many stories before it gets old. Well, maybe not old, but it’s not as much fun.

So here is what happened. I pretty much decided I couldn’t get involved with her again. I know there is no way I could ever trust her again, and I really have no reason to. But there were some unresolved issues there, and I had to get some answers, so I did talk to her. This wasn’t done in any way where there could be a real problem though. I don’t want her to have my home number. I don’t want her at my house. I don’t want to know where she lives. I am not even willing to take a chance of some sort of really twisted trap. (Why on earth should I have to worry about something like a trap? That is just insane. But the danger is real.)

Another thing to realize is that I knew there would be another meeting. Eventually we would see each other. Most likely she would end up on my front doorstep. Yes, I know I don’t have to answer. But I also know she has in the past knocked doors down. Plus there are windows to break. In other words, I decided that this had to be handled and it had to be somewhere else.

So I agreed to meet her someplace neutral. A safe place where getting truly involved wouldn’t be an issue. Hell, I don’t even want her to know what I drive! I wanted to see how I react. I know how I always react with her, and if I felt like that it was a better deterrent than anything else. I used to have a physical reaction. I would get nauseous. It was a physical manifestation of fear. Feeling that is more of a deterrent than any words or memories.

And when I saw her, there it was. Immediately I lost my appetite. Right then, although I was scared, I also felt safe because I knew that I could not handle that feeling again. I just couldn’t live that life again. And, even stranger, I didn’t find her attractive. Granted she was not wearing make-up and was dressed way down, but when I see her I don’t see a hot woman. I see her flaws. It’s like the things that I hated about her are manifested on her face and body. She didn’t look at all different, but what I saw was different. I am sure all those flaws were there before, and I even remembered them, but now they matter.

So we sat there and had a long fucking talk. And, while she thinks she has changed, she hasn’t. She says she has quit drinking, and maybe she has. She says she has grown up. She says a lot, but all I saw was the same shit, and this time it just doesn’t do it for me.

First, there were flashes of that famous temper. We talked about something that got her thinking about a woman I knew in the past (that she never met) that she always considered a total skank. And just that thought got her fired up and angry. She kept under control for the most part, but it was there. Later the conversation got to strippers and strip clubs. And there she was again, angry that such things exist and that people actually go to them. Of course, she was a stripper for 2 months.

Then there is the constant drama that surrounds her. For the third time since we met her ex is about to lose his house. I saved him once because of their daughter. Hell, for all I know she wanted me to save him again. Because while she always talks like she doesn’t put up with his shit, he will always be there. They have a kid, and because of that he will always have a way to get to her. And he is obsessed with her. While we were together she called him to see when she would be getting her daughter, and she lied about whom she was with (which is fine with me). She said Rebecca and, just as he always did, he wanted to know who Rebecca was. What the hell difference does it make? It’s not like they are a couple (supposedly anyway.)But, most of all, there was the issue of money. She needed cab fare to get home. She needed me to buy her food. She even needed cash for her daughter’s dinner tonight. Here she is supposedly changed, but she still sees me as a source of cash when she needs it. I lied and said I was broke, so beyond picking up the tab, she didn’t get jack shit. I dunno, but if I wanted to prove to someone I had changed and deserved a second chance I wouldn’t be asking for money.

Now, my personal favorite part of the whole thing was when it got to a discussion of checking out girls. What I was telling her was about how, when I look at a lot of women, I am not seeing them as hot. I am seeing how she has had some really bad plastic surgery (common in Dallas). Or sometimes I see how the woman seems to think the best approach is to dress like an extra from the streetwalker scenes in Pretty Woman. But people see you noticing someone and assume it’s an attraction thing.

Her reply was that she didn’t recall me ever checking out other women. Well, the fact is I never did. With her I didn’t look at anyone. I got real good at walking while staring at the floor. But I reminded her that she got insanely jealous of other women several times, and made a huge scene many times in public because she believed I was checking out other women when I wasn’t. She didn’t remember that. In fact, she eventually remembered me looking at another woman only once. It was very odd to get commended for being a good guy by a woman that was constantly accusing me of doing the one thing she swears is the worst thing a guy can do.

There is so much more that was discussed, but the fact is, it doesn’t really matter. She still wants some kind of relationship. I still don’t trust her. I am still unwilling to deal with her ex. She still sees me as an ATM. The only change is that the attraction really isn’t there.

So where do we go from here? She isn’t going to just go away. I expect what will happen is that she will keep chasing me until she finds another guy. My job is to keep as much separation as possible until I can move. Because of my job she will always be able to contact me if she feels like it, but I can at least protect my address and home number for the most part. The crazy ones never stay gone forever. I have had 2 in the last week.

I have cursed myself.