Scared Bunny

I was disappointed in the trip to the zoo. While it was great to spend the day with my son, even if it was about 100 out, I didn’t get the picture I wanted. On top of that my son showed me which monkey it was and it wasn’t even an orangutan. It was, in fact, a Gibbon. While I still find the feat impressive, it seems more impressive done by an orangutan. They’re bigger and uglier. It just seems more fitting. So I still have yet to see a monkey, or any creature for that matter, do a handstand and piss in his own mouth.

I am not denying that such a thing is disgusting. It’s not like I have a desire to do this. In fact, if my son even tried it I’d ground his ass for a year. But, unlike many, I am not going to pretend this isn’t something that would take great skill. All you have to do is visit a public restroom and you can see how hard it is for many to hit a target while holding on and standing on your hind legs.

I challenge anyone to go in to a bathroom, do a handstand and piss in a urinal. I bet that is harder than hell. If you do it, I have 2 words of advice. First, wear gloves, because bathroom floors are just nasty. Second, don’t do it in a bathroom with an attendant. I imagine he’d kick you in the face while you are upside down. I know I would.

Personally the only piss related challenge I am considering is trying to piss on a plasma screen placed above a urinal. It’s not that I don’t like plasma screens because I do. And it’s not like I don’t like to watch TV while I piss, because I would love a TV in the bathroom at home. But it just seems so fucking stupid to put a $2000 TV above a public toilet that I feel it is my duty to express just how stupid it is. What better way than pissing on it. I am just not sure my piss gets that kind of altitude.

In other news, I actually heard some words of wisdom that really hit home for me on the Pugs and Kelly show. Even more surprising, it was Pugs that said it. I always agree with Kelly, which is about right. As you know, except for the whole sex with guys thing, I am gay.

For those of you not from Dallas, P & K have a midday show on Live 105.3 FM. It’s an all talk station. This isn’t your Rush Limbaugh talk though. Here you have Howard Stern in the mornings and Russ Martin (a local legend) in the afternoon. And then there is P & K. Basically their show is 2 divorced people in their 30’s talking about their lives and taking calls and emails.

This week Pugs was talking about how he had been playing hard to get (not his words) and how it was working for him. A caller pointed out that he had made himself a challenge, which was good because the woman (or in his case women) will chase him because he becomes a challenge. On top of that, it actually can help you get women you might not normally get because of the whole challenge aspect. Unfortunately for Pugs, though, the caller said that once the woman gets you, she wouldn’t want to keep you. Her theory, and Pugs agrees is that if you set getting you as the goal, once they have you they have what they want. In other words, you get the woman to assume the male “hunter” role.

Pugs was a little bummed by this because he says he’s a relationship guy. But I am thinking that this is a good tactic. Not only does it get the woman to do the work, it helps you stay single in the long run. And, even better, you can do it with a clean conscience. If they decide they just want to add you as a trophy and then move on, you can’t exactly be accused of using them. I like that.

There are 2 questions though.

First, how do you make yourself into a conquest? Is it enough to basically just ignore the woman? Are there specific things you need to say or do? Are there things you shouldn’t say or do? As you can see, I am totally clueless about the whole thing.

The other question is whether or not you are supposed to act disappointed when nothing more comes of it. In my case the key word would be “act” because I really just don’t see any emotional connection coming any time soon. My whole life has been spent looking for relationships, but the time I was the happiest I was single. Not necessarily celibate, but single. I had a shitload of fun until I started getting involved in relationships again.

The thing that got to me was that I had actually done this without even intending to. I wasn’t really playing hard to get, I just wasn’t really up for a date, especially a first date. I didn’t have the energy for it. I was concerned she would want more of a relationship than I did. And, to top it all off, I was broke.

But we finally did get together. It went well. But I think she achieved her goal, so now there’s nothing left for her. It’s weird, but I think that’s probably a good thing. Heaven knows it is easier than breaking up with someone. It is also quite a bit cheaper. To top it off, I get to go to bed and get some sleep. Which I plan on doing right now. Well, first I will take a piss and see what kind of height I can get on it.