Scared Bunny

In thinking about where to meet women, I actually decided to try a certain online site. Basically I chose this site, which shall remained unnamed, because it is very easy for me to browse, it has a lot of selection and I don’t really think most of the women there are looking for their next husband. That it perfect for me because I am not looking for a marriage. In fact, I have more or less decided I’ll never get married unless I end up one of those rich old farts that have an extremely young wife. I think having a heart attack due to the extreme age difference would be a good way to go.

But in doing this, I have noticed there are certain things that are included in the ads that really shouldn’t be. There are all sorts of reasons not to include some things. I don’t just mean the obvious things. We all assume, for example, that the word “voluptuous” means the writer is overweight. But these are things where there are obvious, or not so obvious reasons not to say certain things.

The first, and most obvious, that I encountered (more than once as a matter of fact) was listing “water sports” under interests. OK, I will tell you that this was not a sex site, so that leaves that one up to interpretation. Obviously the people probably mean things like swimming, water-skiing, boating and maybe a nice jet ski. But, come on, do you really not think the average guy is at least going to think about the less mainstream meaning? Ladies, don’t include a keyword that could mean you like being pissed on or possibly pissing on your partner. Seriously, assume guys will think of the vulgar meaning. It’s our nature.

On a similar note, don’t include the word “Greek”. If you are from Greece, perhaps you could say that. But if you just use the word “Greek” there are 3 separate interpretations. The first would be the obvious: you are either from Greece or have Greek parents. The second is that you are involved in frats and/or sororities. The last is that you like anal sex. (If you like anal sex you can email me directly.) Even if the guy assumes the sorority thing that may not go over well if you aren’t actually in college anymore. Most people really don’t give a shit after you leave school. And many will actually laugh if it is still a major part of who you think you are after college. And, of course, if he assumes the sex part, you can expect the reply will include a dick shot.

Also, it’s not exactly a great idea to list as interest celebrity guys. I once dated a woman in her 30’s who not only had a Mike Modano poster in her bedroom, she insisted that any man she married would have to let her keep it up. Just a hint: I’m not going to compete with your fantasy life. If I had pinups on my wall, you really think anyone worth dating wouldn’t have a problem with that? If you have that much of a fixation on some celebrity, grow the fuck up. I can name several celebrities I’d like to bang, but there are 2 keys. First, there are several. There is no fixation. Second, I don’t consider any of them important enough to list as an “interest”. I stopped doing that when I was about 16.

Also, please don’t mention any of the following: pearls, diamonds, rubies, pearls, gold and jewelry. OK, maybe you are not meaning to sound like you want me to buy you this shit, but that is exactly what it sounds like. You haven’t even met the guy and your first impression is of a gold-digger. Do you expect the guy to show up on the first date with any of these things? If so, you are pretty fucking greedy. If he did show up with it I would hope you would consider it more than just a little creepy. See, flowers are one thing. Precious metals and gems are a bit much for a first date.

And, I understand you may be studying “forensic science”. You may even be in the field. But listing just that as an interest, without explaining that it is due to your job or school is really creepy. It makes it sound like your free time is spent looking at pictures of decapitated coeds or something. If you really want to sound like you are trying to work your way up to becoming a serial killer, be my guest. But when I see this listed as an interest I half expect to find out the girl tortures small animals in her free time.

Cherries…well…are you a virgin? If so, do you want to put that in your ad? If not, why the fuck would I care that you like cherries?

And I really don’t know what the hell is meant by “plenty of fish”, but it kind of scared me.

Of course I’m not going to let any of that bother me. Those things really only matter if you are looking for a serious relationship, and that is not the case. So, I really don’t care what you meant by Greek, although I have my hopes. The water sports thing needs to be addressed, but I will just assume it was innocent. The celebrities? Dream all you like. And nobody is getting any jewelry, so I hope you don’t expect it. I may be a little worried about the “forensic science thing” because I’d like to keep my head attached to my body. The virgin thing could be an issue because I am not going to be anyone’s first.

I am staying away from the “plenty of fish” thing regardless.

You know, life is much easier when you don’t give a fuck.

OK, so should I write more or just go to bed. It is 11:30 and my son did wear my ass out today. Of course, I can’t go to bed because I have sheets in the dryer, so maybe I will add something. Now, get your minds out of the fucking sewer. I do wash my sheets weekly. It’s nothing nasty. I happened to have bought a new mattress cover and figured it was a good time to wash the sheets. You people are sick.

I know I don’t usually blog about my plans, but in this case I will. See, tomorrow my son and I are going to the zoo. We like going, but this time I am on a mission. The last time he went was with my parents. As they strolled around the zoo they came upon the orangutans. One of the beasts started to do a headstand, to the delight of my son and all the kids there from the summer day camp. They were all a little less thrilled when the orangutan started to piss. And they were freaked when he managed to position himself to catch the piss in his mouth.

I hope to catch this on film to prove it is true.

Wish me luck,