Scared Bunny

I think I have weathered the storm. I made it through the day without calling the ex for a piece of ass. I admit totally that that was all I was looking for. I would have let her know that too. But I made it through the day without picking up the phone and asking if I could get my dick wet.

It wasn’t really that much of an accomplishment though, because my son was here and there was no way I would have had her come over while he was here. Can’t pull the old “Why don’t you go out and play while daddy breaks off a piece of ass.”

Not sure that the next time I get weak I will have my son around. School starts this week, so I will be alone more. The good news is that that means I am more likely to do something stupid, meaning more lively real life entries. The bad news is that I probably don’t need any excitement. My old heart just can’t take it.

And then I read that the Scientologists were trying to recruit Oprah. At first I didn’t give a fuck because, even though I would get 80% of her shit, I don’t want that bitch in my cult. She’d just try to take it over, and I think that Stedman is some kind of psycho killer guy. I don’t think they’re really a couple at all. I think she uses him to kill her opposition. I can see no other way she got where she is. Plus, I always wondered what happened to Phil Donahue. I think Stedman killed him and then Oprah ate his heart to consume his power.

So Oprah is out because I don’t like her. I don’t trust her. I don’t want to have to deal with Stedman trying to kill me so Oprah can eat my heart. But I wasn’t upset because Oprah was going to get snapped up by the Scientologists. I wasn’t concerned that they would start to use her show to expand their cult, making it harder for me to recruit. I wasn’t even worried that her joining Scientology would result in more videos of couch jumping by Tom Cruise, and interviews with an extremely creepy John Travolta.

No, what had me worried was the extent that the Scientologists are willing to go to to get these celebrity members. First, Travolta gave the pompous windbag a $700,000 Bentley. Then Tom Cruise bought a mansion in Oprah’s neighborhood to make it easier to recruit her. I can see it now. Tom is always stopping by to borrow sugar and does some of that Scientology voodoo magic on her until she finally gives in and the next thing you know she is in the center with a couple of V-8 cans while they ask her questions about her childhood and the massive quantities of Whoppers and Big Macs she ate in her early career.

How can anyone be expected to compete with that? I know I need to get some celebrities in the fold, but I can’t go head to head with that kind of firepower. In retrospect maybe going after actors wasn’t the best idea. The Scientologists seem to have Hollywood pretty well wrapped up. There have been some high profile misses, like every actress under 25 except Katie Holmes turning down Tom, but it seems like they have gotten most of the talent that is open to considering a dumbass religion based on the rants of some fucked up jackass. That’s pretty much what I offer too, so that pond may be fished out.

Instead, I want to target the music industry. There are some deeply disturbed individuals in the music industry. They always seem to be drunk and/or stoned, so they are easily manipulated. Plus, they are used to having no idea how much money they make and finishing their career with nothing to show for it except a crack habit and a nasty testicle infection. They won’t miss the money they contribute to the cult at all. Plus, while there aren’t a lot of women in the music industry outside Country and R&B, the guys seem to have huge numbers of women following them and willing to do anything they say. That more than compensates for the limited female prospects. Plus, it should keep us well supplied with women for those that do choose to have more than one wife. We may not have to do the swapping thing much at all.

For those looking to line up recruits, we have some guidelines though. First off, anyone in the following genres has to be approved by me before recruitment:
- Country
- Hip Hop
- Folk
- Anything not sung in English
- Hair Metal
Actually, maybe you need to just have anyone approved first. I really don’t want anyone in the cult with shitty music, a cowboy hat or allegiance to a gang. Beyond that I just don’t want anyone whose concert I wouldn’t want backstage passes to, unless they are some hot chick, have an obscene amount of money or have so many followers that we can use their fans to gain a voting majority in a state the size of Virginia. I am kind of going on the assumption that anyone like that that joins I will have to listen to, and if their music sucks they will have to be worth it.

Of course, if their music sucks I will be doing everything I can to either change their music or ruin their career as soon as I have milked them for all they are worth.

As an aside, I swear that some cult leader somewhere already did that to Garth Brooks. There is no other explanation for his Chris Gaines experiment that I can think of. I suppose it is possible he had gone on a mescaline binge and that was the end product, but I think the Enquirer would have noticed something like that, and they didn’t say a word.

I also think I need to let everyone know that I am strongly in favor of the use of steroids. I know that the whole world is telling us how bad they are, but I can’t agree with that. Personally, I don’t give a fuck what someone does to try to be better at sports or to look better. It’s their body, so if they want to mess with steroids, that’s fine with me.

Yeah, I know it does some nasty shit. I know it shortens lifespans. But it seems to me that they decided they’d rather have a shorter life with a better body. Can’t say I blame them. I know it shrinks the balls, but they aren’t my balls so I don’t give a fuck. I know it makes guys go bald, but I figure that makes my full head of hair look even better, so that’s a good thing. I know it causes acne, but, again, I look better compared to them.

To me, I want to see freakishly strong people when I watch sports. I want them to be able to do things that only science makes possible. I want to start seeing 110 mph fastballs being hit for 600-foot homeruns. I want to see 2 football players collide with such force that Drudge reports seismic activity with a big red siren thing. I want to see runners that can race against horses and win.

These people already fuck up their bodies. You think it’s a coincidence that NFL players live on average to the age of 56? I say let them do whatever the fuck they want as long as it results in more entertaining television for me.

And I don’t give a fuck that kids follow their lead. That’s just evolution in process. If parents are raising kids that will do anything they hear some athlete did, then that’s not my problem. In fact, it’s good that they start as kids because their nads will shrink before they have a chance to have more stupid kids. We can actually improve the gene pool.

In short, I am in favor of a free needle exchange not only for heroin addicts, but also for freakishly muscular people.