Scared Bunny

OK, I am not referring to myself with this title, though it fits. Instead, I am referring to a drink I invented last night. I decided that if a Jaegerbomb was a good thing, perhaps replacing the Jaeger with Red Bull would be a good idea. And so we did.

All I can say is that this was a bad idea.

When asked the name of my new concoction, I said "Stupid", and, thus, "The Stupid" has been born. If you have the urge 2 try one, two tips. First, DO NOT USE A FULL SHOT of 151. I cannot stress this enough. Second, do not drink this on an empty stomach.

This is all.

I dreamed I was missing, you were so scared
But no one would listen, 'cause no one else cared
After my dreaming, I woke with this fear
What am I leaving when I'm done here?

So if you're asking me, I want you to know

When my time comes, forget the wrong that I've done
Help me leave behind some reasons to be missed
Don't resent me, and when you're feeling empty
Keep me in your memory, leave out all the rest

Leave out all the rest, don't be afraid
I've taken my beating, I've shared what I made
I'm strong on the surface, not all the way through
I've never been perfect, but neither have you

So if you're asking me, I want you to know

When my time comes, forget the wrong that I've done
Help me leave behind some reasons to be missed
Don't resent me, and when you're feeling empty
Keep me in your memory, leave out all the rest
Leave out all the rest

Forgetting all the hurt inside you've learned to hide so well
Pretending someone else can come and save me from myself
I can't be who you are

When my time comes, forget the wrong that I've done
Help me leave behind some reasons to be missed
Don't resent me, and when you're feeling empty
Keep me in your memory, leave out all the rest
Leave out all the rest

Forgetting all the hurt inside you've learned to hide so well
Pretending someone else can come and save me from myself
I can't be who you are

I can't be who you are

Labels: linkin park, lyrics

Watch the first half of the movie Sleepers, and imagine much of it happening not in a juvenile detention facility, but in the home.

Maybe you'll get it.

This may be the funniest blog post in history.

Lots of times I get comments to this blog that readers never see. It's not that I delete them. Except for spam and a couple of very vicious posts, I leave the comments even if they are negative. Everyone is welcome to their opinion, and if someone is going to put themselves out the way I do, with a lot of my negative experiences discussed, I have to expect negative responses.

But most of the time the poster thinks better of what they have to say and deletes it as soon as it's posted. Of course I still get an email telling me what was said. I would say I am told who said it, but they are always anonymous. Again, I don't fault people for deciding to delete what they say either. That is their right. (Although I am disabling anonymous comments because I have someone that is intentionally abusive and I think people should own up to what they say).

One comment was very negative. It basically said I will always be alone because I am "full of fail". Sadly they deleted it because I would have left that comment because, not only are people welcome to their opinion, they are right. I am full of fail. Granted most of what I write focuses on the negative things because, let's be honest, a post about how wonderful things are is boring. People may not like what I write, and that's OK. But I don't want a blog that is basically "today I ...".

I have failed in every relationship I have had. Even when the other person wronged me, as has happened, I failed by choosing the wrong person and allowing them to hurt me. I admit freely that I am probably incapable of a healthy relationship. I don't know how to do it and, to be blunt, I have not been around enough to see what they take. I am stuck living with issues beyond just what I have posted here. I have a childhood I have tried very hard to deal with, but have failed miserably. I have been in and out of therapy to try to find someone who can help me. I have been on more medications than I can remember.

When I want to work on my past, I end up with present crises which overwhelm me. When I am trying to deal with my present I am not touching on root issues that keep me from growing. I dwell on people and events that are not part of my present reality, and that drags me down to the depths of depression and fear. I never learned how to put things behind me, and I lack the control of my mind to keep unhealthy thoughts in check.

Maybe I don't know how to be happy and content.

The reality is I am full of fail. And until I learn how to get past my past I will be alone.

Labels: alone, depression, failure, life, mental health